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Poetry / Searches End
It’s the strangeness of life,
How it’s filled with pain,
Filled with strife.
It’s the sharpness of contrast,
In what makes one person happy,
Makes another cry miserably.
Where in this does fall responsibility?
On birthrights circumstances,
Or belonging with choices,
And the attitude with which one dances.
Where is happiness to be discovered?
Some poor swear on wealth,
Thinking that in this does peace reside.
Some rich would forsake all,
If that happiness would provide.
More search endless places,
Finding clues and moments,
Never guessing that searches end,
Will find its way to their own faces.
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NavyGirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the way you wrote this poem, it’s rythmic and makes me think.I also like the way you chose your words to make the rhyme. I don’t have anything negative to way about this peice. It’s very well written. (Exucse my spelling, it’s been a long day)
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arthus reviewed Version 1 -
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The idea of this poetry is great. However, I believe you could be a little clearer in some of your lines by following the general flow of the poem better. Overall, a very good piece.
Wicks reviewed Version 1 -
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More search endless places is the best line in this. The rest has truth but seems disconnected. Some lines need clarifying such as the last will find its way to their own faces. Could be better but its not terrible. Work on it a little more.
killalbatross reviewed Version 1 -
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Good job on the poem. I enjoyed the questions asked throughout, how they all ponder on life and whether it is fate that makes us who we are. I didn’t understand the line:
“Where in this does fall responsibility?”
Its too wordy and it seems like it was thrown together to fit the rhyme scheme. Maybe ‘does’ should be taken out and fall should turn into ‘falls’.
whitey reviewed Version 1 -
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i give it a 6 because the statement i think this writer is trying to make is that we all need to be at peace with our own lives first before we can ever begin to understand someone elses and maybe too many people forget this these days. And although i agree with this statement the poem sounds to lofty and obtuse in explaining this meaning and needs to be more concise and to that central point instead of showing all the persepctives of too many dissparraging social beliefs?
whitey
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem has promise because you have good concepts and a good theme, but you rely too heavily upon abstract language. Examples of this are pain, strife, responsibility, happiness, peace, etc. It wouldn’t be so bad if you had more images for these abstractions to rely on. I suggest replacing the abstractions with concrete images that relate to the readers senses.
thepiercehome reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this piece! It seems as though it speaks very directly to my present situation, but in reading it again, I see where probably anyone would feel that way. I especially like how it seems to flow in a circle that comes back to the beginning, the feeling that the end result is the beginning and the beginning is the end.
You did a great job of conveying not just the thoughts, but the feelings behind them. I felt the winding search, the ache for meaning and truth.
Shelby reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall, I liked this poem. Some lines could use tightening like “Thinking that in this does peace reside.” I especially liked the end line. The way it was flowing the meaning came unexpectedly at the end. Good poem!
Moontan reviewed Version 1 -
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The message in this poem is very poignant. However there seems to be some awkardness in a few of the lines, possibly a side effect of making them fall into the rhyme scheme.
“Where in this does fall responsibility?” seems a little archaic in the syntax, making it awkward.
“birthrights circumstances” needs an apostrophe in birthright’s.
“If that happiness would provide” also sounds awkward; perhaps ‘If happiness it would provide’ might flow better.
And I think “searches end” was meant to be possessive, if so, it should have an apostrophe as well.
Otherwise, the content is so very true. Nice work.
Nights_End1 reviewed Version 1 -
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You show a true sense of what life is about. Death life joy, sadness, i love this peace i wouldnt mind having more things to read from you.
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