Thank you for a good, in-depth review. Some of your concerns I have thought about before but was unable to find a better alternative continuation.
Poetry / My Prescience
Standing in the shadow of Death,
My heart races, I feel a shortness of breath.
My head bowed and my fists clenched tightly.
I feel fear, knowing judgement will not come lightly.
Ruby red eyes fix on my cold blue stare,
Measure me up, lay my soul bare.
A chilling voice, a chuckle of thunder,
He knows my defenses and tears them asunder.
I feel the despair lying locked in a frozen tear,
As He says, “Be still child, your time is here.”
Paralysis breaks, I strike at him and shriek NEVER!!
Death sweeps in; grabs my arms and whispers, FOREVER.
Then he shoves me, hurls me to the ground,
When I look up Reapers by the thousand are gathered round.
Chanting, moaning some litany I can’t understand,
One in the middle kneeling by me, taking my hand.
I can’t struggle, can’t move; can’t even shout.
My will sapped and my defiance torn out.
Death brings his face near to me,
His Ruby eyes glowing imperiously.
Now the chanting becomes perfectly clear,
And I hear what I always knew I’d hear.
Judgement! For the way you lived your life.
Judgement! For the way you treated your wife.
Judgement! For the actions you’ve taken.
Judgement! For everything you’ve ever forsaken.
Death parts his lips and presses them to mine.
My last thought…I never had enough time.
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NavyGirl reviewed Version 1 -
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beccapikle reviewed Version 1 -
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Hmm. This is okay. Some parts of it are awkwardly worded, for example, the word “litany” in the fifteenth line doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Your rhyme scheme seems a little forced, you might want to give up on the whole rhyming couplet idea. But that’s just me. All in all, the piece has some potential. The line “Death sweeps in; grabs my arms and whispers, FOREVER.” really stood out to me as one of your best. Keep up the work.
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sirM reviewed Version 1 -
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Your revisitation of a traditional story-line is dangerous, if only because at first it seems like it couldn’t be fresh. Metaphors like “shadow of death” and images like “reapers” have been so overused that they have limited impact in a modern poem. I think your theme has a small problem too. The lines leading up to your conclusion seem to tell us that the speaker may have been a thoughtless person, especially in lines like “the way you treated your wife/...actions you’ve taken.” Your ending, in contrast, seems composed of words that would come from a person who tried very hard throughout life to life consciously. Despite these elements, I think your poem does succeed at dramatizing the speaker’s final epiphony. I particularly like the rhymes and capitals in the “NEVER/FOREVER” rhyme. Given your talents here, perhaps developing the dramatization and elevating the phrasing might be in order.
Wicks reviewed Version 1 -
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Good idea but I think, in my opinion, the rhyming style is quite basic. Work on the style and keep the content.
Typecast reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem is ACTUALLY worth a read. There is a clear beginning, middle, and end. I couldn’t find anything wrong with it. You have a firm grasp on the lore, and it shows that you have a passionate opinion on life and death.
whitey reviewed Version 1 -
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i really enjoyed your poem and found completely diabolical in a dante sense. For awhile in the beginning i wasn’t sure what was happening but then i understood and admired the visuals that became very visible in my own head after reading it. good work and tallyho!
whitey
ps i also found the ending to be ironically devious!
mradjuidjts reviewed Version 1 -
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The last lines really make this a trite effort. As if maybe the rest of the simplistic rhymes didn’t.
Oh yeah, did you just french kiss death?
“I never had enough time”
That is a lousy way to end it, everyone has enough time.
kyrieleison reviewed Version 1 -
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While the theme is good, if a little bit of a cliche, there are little gripes that I have with the whole piece.
Firstly, rhyming couplets don’t seem to be your friend here; you might want to use a more laconic rhyme as the subject of your poem doesn’thave the usual brightness that couplets often lend themselves to.
I like that there is a story told throughout the piece, but wish that you had included staza breaks to set the more important pieces off from the rest; i.e. the lines beginning with “Judgement”.
All in all, it’s a good piece, although I would prefer a it different rhyme scheme and a stronger meter.
Good work.
its1in1m reviewed Version 1 -
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This is very clear and dynamic.
I like how the poem is so focused on the moments, so immediate! The writing loses some of that edge when it shifts from ‘I’ to ‘you’ at about line 19, the first line beginning with ‘Judgement’: the expressions that Death uses are general; the lines could benefit so much from the detailed handling you gave to the scene up until that point.
A couple of standard formulas like -
“head bowed and my fists clenched tightly” (line 3) AND “will sapped” (15) – can be changed to be as interesting as “chuckle of thunder.(line 7).”
Nice effort.
Patrick Calhoun
its1in1m@yahoo.com
Holly_London reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow!
Ruby red eyes fix on my cold blue stare,
Measure me up, lay my soul bare.
What an accurate description of what judgment of any kind feels like.
When I look up Reapers by the thousand are gathered round.
Chanting, moaning some litany I can’t understand
I love the picture you paint here. It’s so dark and frightening you create a scene that I can easily see without being to wordy something I personally find hard to do.
The entire ending is great. The writing makes a strong statement that makes me not only want to change the way I live, but try and rectify all the wrong I have done to the ones I care most about. Its intense and frightening
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