Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Hope for Hope

There is an unnamed color that I love. It is between blue and white and fire. It is the color that spreads gently over the Catoctin Mountains just before dawn. Today, I named this color. I named it hope.

I imagine my daughter opening a crayon box with my new color inside, labeled neatly on the paper with its new name. I see the look in her trusting eyes that perfectly captures the essence of my color, hope personified. Something in me aches with the stark contrast of my burned spirit in light of her fresh new one. And yet the dreamer in me wonders if maybe there is a way to recapture that essence- a way to find my way back to me, the beginning and reality of me.

I live fear. It has defined me for as long as I can remember. I am afraid of everything and paralyzed because of it. I fear failure, and success. I fear betrayal. I fear people, life, work, myself. I fear what could happen, what did happen, what will happen. Oh, and even what could have happened but didn’t. I seek the status quo only, though in my heart I long for something far greater. Only, I don’t believe I can do anything better, and if I tried, the truth of my inadequacy would be exposed, and that is my ultimate fear.

Enough! I want to feel the magic again, that feeling when every cell is alive- life abundant. The last time I felt truly alive and full of hope was the summer after tenth grade—14 years ago. That was the summer when I made a decision to reinvent myself. Once I made the decision, it seemed to take no effort at all. Life just fell into place and I suddenly knew who I was, connected to the real me on my deepest level. I also remember when I stopped knowing, when I stopped dreaming and fear began to take hold. I haven’t been me since then.

Do I dare decide to live again, really live? What would that even look like? Is there even a me to find underneath my roles of wife, mother, church member, pet caregiver? I’m not sure anymore. But I know that the pain I have lived this year has called me to a deeper place where I can no longer live an empty life and be content. There has to be more! I feel it in my bones, a distant shadow of what life could be, yet it is elusive and just out of my grasp. I hope for hope.

03/13/2007

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Reviews

March 24, 2007

Deleted User

Review of Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

Sometimes we need to find hope even to be a good inspiration to others. I really like how in the beginning you describe hope as a new color. It gives a really good image, and of your daughter finding that color in the crayon box. Precious!

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March 24, 2007

Idrequired

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
310	80.0% (90 votes)	87.2%

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
49	F	United States	March 19

Idrequired reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

You must be reading my mind and a million other people.. I have had these same thoughts, but have never been able to express them in the way that you have. This has hit on my fears and released them for me in a poetic and real way. This is the line that brought every thing together (“and if I tried, the truth of my inadequacy would be exposed, and that is my ultimate fear.”) I don’t feel there is anything that needs to be changed in this piece of writing. You have written words for many.

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March 23, 2007

indigorax

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
125	94.6% (37 votes)	40.5%

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44	F	United Kingdom	May 24

indigorax reviewed Version 1 - Read 100%% of the Item

It seems mean to even consider “rating” something like this. It was quite despairingly beautiful. You’ve captured the moment of the Big Question and articulated it with an almost poetic grace.

I don’t think this is something to be reviewed, more to be pondered and absorbed. You’ve created something with the power to cause the reader (me) to stop, think, remember my own moment, revisit that place and be thankful that I did find more, while hoping that you find that out for yourself.