In my poem, I tried to present facts for consideration but I realize that many people do not have the same point-of-reference. Perhaps I could expand my explanation. Thank you for making a coherent argument.
Poetry / Time is a multi-tasker
Line up two photographers side-by-side
Have them shoot a picture at the exact same
Minute, of the same subject, in the same light
And each will come out with a different picture.
That’s because we each may possess
The same camera, a different pair of eyes.
A crime takes place in a public place
Ask each witness what transpired
And you will get a multitude of answers
Can you guess why trials get so mired?
Time is a multi-tasker,
Truth is a liar.
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sexymamamontana reviewed Version 1 -
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Upon the first reading, I found this to be a bit abrupt in the style of wording. After some reflection, though, I find the abruptness appealing, and I’m supposing it was intentional. My favorite is the last line, “Truth is a liar.” You have cleverly stated what seems to be a simple truth about perception and perspctive, and you’ve done so with original thoughts. Nice work!
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Jack_Lovelle reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a great metaphorical idea but you haven’t given the subject much treatment. What here suggests time is a multi-tasker? This poem is describing differences of perspective which is a common human condition. You haven’t really explained what time has to do with it. If you were to rewrite with a focus on time and how it relates to the subject of crime and witnesses this would be a far more viable piece.
CA reviewed Version 1 -
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I know you’re trying to say something important here, but I left the poem a little puzzled and a little disappointed. The exposition at the end is probably what did it. Show me that time is a multi-tasker and how. Show me that truth is a liar and how.
dormetheus reviewed Version 1 -
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This still feels like a thought than a poem. It feels uncomfortable how directly you break the fourth wall, as though you had a perspective that you are “letting us in on.” That might not be the case, but the tone and implied 2nd person give it that feel.
So, why is this a poem? (something my professor always asked me)
Your theme, perception, needs to be demonstrated through a central conflict and series of images. All you’ve really done is talk about it. Look at your verbs and you’ll notice that they’re all be verbs, which create an uncomfortably static piece.
Be careful of nonspecific words. Any word or phrase that could be substituted with a more specific image should be changed.
for example: What are the photographers taking a picture of? What is the crime? What is the public place? What are the answers they give? Why do we need to bring trials into this piece?
easywriter57 reviewed Version 1 -
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“minute” isn’t capitalized nor is “and” or “the” in the next line, but after camera. Period after place; no capital for “and”; period after answers. Last line semicolon instead of comma and no capital on “truth”.
Other variables on the camera would be the same camera, the same film and the same developer. I tend to disagree with that first statement if they were all the same. Only the perspective (over a bit to the left, etc) would be different.
The title is catchy though. And, you are right, many things go on at the same time. It is memory that cheats us of telling the truth.
Deanne reviewed Version 1 -
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It has that timliness about it coupled with being specific to our times (the first instance of multi-tasking) which makes me think it could be snapped up by a publication.
It would have many more publications within its range if it had all rhyme rather than some, like those little poetry phamphlets that come as greeting cards or with solicitations from religions, missions, ecology clubs and the like. A lot of poetry writers hate that kind and you might, too , but if you cared to consider it, it’s easy enough to do in a few spare hours for a poem this short, and would open up to you many more ways of publishing it and making it a well-loved poem. Ex:
Line up two photographers side by side
have them shoot a picture at the exact same time
of the same subject, in the same light
and each will describe a different sight
Truth is what you ask for
but it’s different to each eye here.
A crime occurs in a crowded space.
when you ask each witness what took place
they’ll all say something different about what they just faced
no wonder court trials test one’s faith
time is a multi-tasker
truth is a liar.
I know it’s very lousy but I didn’t try to be good , not wanting to write your poem, just give you the idea I mean.
You’d now have the scheme a-a-a-a-b-c-,
d-d-d-d-b-c.
But that’s if you want the tidy little rhymy poem. If you don’t care for those, ignore me.
Do consider that the first 2-line verse is awkward due to the 2 extra syllables on line one; that “may” weakens your authoritative voice; and that realistically we don’t likely each possess the same camera although maybe your two photographers do but you don’t say “they” , but “we”.
“Takes place in a public place” ( place twice, 2 words apart) is also contrary to a memorable poetry piece.
The reason I think you should consider shooting for the perfect little ditty people can memorize is because the last two lines are powerful and unforgettable.
Having some lines rhyme and not others makes those that don’t, stick out like a bad blemish, stealing some excitement from its good idea.
But there’s nothing seriously wrong with this poem. Urbis guidelines require me to basically analyze what works and doesn’t and that’s all I could come up with. The format is good and the concept great. Just needs a little work on what I pointed out to ya in my last paragraph. I’ll qualify that. I think it does if your goal is publication.
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