the poem is supposed to impress you
all my poems are :)
Poetry / 2: GW 2
I love your rhapsodies of oil
your ingenuity. Your cunning.
So clever you tied the beasts
shoes together and stuck a
stick down his throat to beat
at the embers. So clever, in
the desert the babes burn in
hot sun. Hot son, you were
there when the first battle was
won, and never ended. Daddy
clicked time on your head when
you were hardly three and sold
you to the secret society. Poor
boy. Too many friends in a
cold world that has grown too big.
Cold war would’ve better suited
your fancy. Pin-striped nuclear
weapons aimed at names you
could pronounce (barely, but better).
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libby reviewed Version 2 -
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This was fantastic. Well written, descriptive, and a little insightful. I think you’ve got a shot at publication, if only because this is what I would want to read in something I paid money for. If the first line is from a different source, I think you could show this better than just adding a note (because how is that going to work when you do get published?)... What I would do is offset the line, and make it a quote, then just continue the poem. It would look something like:
“I love your rhapsodies of oil…”
your ingenuity. Your cunning.
Maybe insert an “and” at the start of the second line. Just an idea.
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catluckey reviewed Version 2 -
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This poem is a lot to swallow. It seems to hit on actual issues…then floats away and solidifies to something else from word to associated word. It’s hard to grasp and yet wants to be easily embrace. I understand it clearly then the meaning escapes.
Is that how this poem is supposed to impress me? To be honest, it’s curious, strange, different, and attractive at the same time…like an acquired taste. Bottom line…I love the way it teases and plays on my mind. I want to read it again and drown in its barely, but better.
With that explosion…I feel its impression. Thank you.
GoreyGirl reviewed Version 2 -
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I’m not schooled in the area, but have heard many poets use a piece of something else. They’ve sited the reference, so I think it’s good to go. In my opinion this has the potential to be presented to a poetry publisher.
I especially liked the image used with “Pin-striped nuclear weapons… but better)”. A great closing there. This read lyrically to me. I wanted to get on the piano and play a jazzy bit to back it up.
Sycophant reviewed Version 2 -
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There’s a well-defined message here that you relay with subtlety. My only complaint is that the line breaks and formatting feel arbitrary and forced. The arbitrary two-line groupings are the worst, they make it feel stilted when I read it.
BTW, I doubt many folks will be able to rate re “Approach from a legitimate poetry publisher”, will they? I can’t say I have much confidence in my rating.
TiffVicious reviewed Version 2 -
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Your point of view is SO STRONG, in all of your works your POV comes across clearly and with a lot of impact. This is such a gift to have because it is what is going to set you apart from other people.
ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the revision, and I’ll save any further subjective comments about politics and poetry. The restructuring gives it a rhythm it lacked before and this brings it a long way. I still love the image of his father tapping time on his head… just brilliant.
I didn’t choose my words carefully enough before in talking about the opening line. Citing your source of course relieves you from the charge of anything nasty in literary terms. I see it as a ‘no no’ because you are essentially leaving it up to someone else’s skill to achieve your purpose. There’s a defacto weakness in that. I admit that the way you’ve used her words are clever, but I think you’ve proven with this and your other work that you’ve got more than enough skill to do it better in your own voice. Sorry if I offended the first time.
cavella reviewed Version 2 -
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first of all, i love the message of the poem. brilliant. now on to my review, i’m not sure if i like or understand the reason behind the manner in which you arranged the stanzas. is there a particular reason or pattern and if so what is it because i am at a loss? i find the way you cut sentences in the middle and the spacing to be awkward and confusing. if there is a hidden meaning to this then i suppose it serves a purpose, maybe it has some ironic symbolism, but ask yourself: would i rather confuse my audience with the fragmented stanzas or get my point across. i really do appreciate the argument you are making and you do it in such a clever way with a very witty turn of phrase. my only concern is that it reads in such a way that the poem must be read over and over and over again in order to fit the pieces together. perhaps it is a stab at bush for his lack of eloquence and wandering arguments, but i think it might do more harm then good. all in all i think it is a great piece. bravo!
epsilonAKAeric reviewed Version 2 -
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i did enjoy this one. not just because i agree with it in that polical sense but because of the flow and rythm. the poem stays on point while being witty. and i guess you say the first line was “sampled?” if so it wasn’t necessary. you’re original material is far superior.
squarehopper reviewed Version 2 -
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A good political commentary poem. I am not sure about copyright laws, but I believe citing a source is not good enough if you take any piece of another person’s work without their expressed or written permission for a work to be made public and for profit. I would do more research to make sure, but I am almost positive this is the case, unless the work is over a certain age and the copyright was not renewed.
I feel the parenthentical phrase can be removed without harming your poem,it might actually strengthen it.
Good luck!
tia_logic reviewed Version 2 -
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I think using a line, (yes sited, of course) is fine. It’s an allusion, not plagerism.
comma after oil (line two)
stanza 2 L2 – stuck a stick .. Doesn’t work for me. I’d find a new word for ‘stuck’
I enjoy this. Clever.
Speaking of clever, I think you should nix the repetition of said word in the second/third stanzas. Just, you know, a different word for one.
Fresh outta opinions. I did like this, truly.
Love, love.
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