cheerz
Poetry / rain (Analysis)
yellow leaves drop
tall trees gently sway
the wind bites your face
and rain comes to stay
the road is a wet blue tongue
cars leave you stained
jackets soak wet
glasses fog again
sun is left behind
to wake the dead day
staring at the drops, which
on the window lay
the orange street light
shines in the night
scrambles from sight
and screams all it’s might
“hear me” it says to the dark
“why are all clouds here,
and what have you done with the moon?”
night hears and leaves it’s mark
“silence, you’ll wake the rain”
it waits above dark clouds
waiting to pound again
the moon is dead
suffering enough
finally surrendering
to all the tears it shed
no one knew it had water inside it
then the street light cried
and it started to rain
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JessicaBrynJ reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow. That was very very cool. I like the last stanza--you surprised me when you said “no one knew it had water inside it.” The only critisism i have it when you said that the road is a blue tongue--that sort of threw me off. I thought you were going to do more with that metaphor.
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tildesk reviewed Version 1 -
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very interesting. Nice flow.good work.
LuckyHabit reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the flow of it up until the last two lines something just made me not read smoothly there maybe give it a once over & reconsider somethings? Nice piece over all I enjoyed it good adjectives I could see & feel the weather.
JPWatt reviewed Version 1 -
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This is pretty cool, a good read, my favorite part was:
the orange street light
shines in the night
scrambles from sight
and screams all it’s might (small typo you forgot to add “with”)
great job!
AntonioChavez reviewed Version 1 -
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The rhyme scheme you are attempting is deceptively difficult to pull off. Making things simple work is a tough job and I’m not sure you accomplished it here. It seems almost juvenile but it’s obviously not written in the voice of a child and the rhythm and visual impact are both jarring (not in a good way) because of the offbeat lines.
The metaphors and images are cliche: Wind bites, light vs darkness, a dead moon. None of which are bad per se, but they are definitely commonplace in need of a new twist.
In any case, keep up the writing and g’luck.
lostthunder reviewed Version 1 -
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definitely a nice piece. its fairly clear, but thats not what makes it nice. its the fact that you personify the objects and make the reader feel what the object would be feeling. it kind of difficult to make personification work and flow, but you did a great job in my mind. thank you. LATER
SpunkRansom85 reviewed Version 1 -
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A very beautiful and discriptive poem, there was alot of thought put into this poem and the detail is wonderful. I loved it.
misskara reviewed Version 1 -
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i love the imagery. honestly never heard a road described as a tongue before – and it fits in perfectly with the theme. i honestly can’t even give you any advice on how to change it, i wouldn’t. :)
Fazzerelli reviewed Version 1 -
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Sorry, but I just didn’t like it. The rhyming was distracting and also gave it a jovial feel that the actual content was in complete opposition to. Also you use ‘your’ and ‘you’ in the first 2 sections, but I would say unnecessarily. If you mean ‘your face’ as in anyone’s them why not – bites faces, the ‘your’ led me to believe you were writing about someone. ‘You’ in the second verse refers to the road but at the beginning you refer to it in the 3rd person, better to say tarmac a wet blue tongue, cars leave it stained. In any case, why is the road a tongue? It makes no sense in the context of the rest of the poem. I’d see the title of this piece rather as Night or Dusk than Rain based on the content. And so on…
DarkHuntress reviewed Version 1 -
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I see a lot of talent here, but I found myself stumbling over a couple of lines that seemed awkward. For instance, I cannot fathom why the street light would scramble or scream, not simply because it is an inanimate object, but because it is the function of the light to create visibility in just such circumstances. I loved the idea of the moon having cried from above the storm clouds, but it might be nice to add why the moon would cry or have water inside of it. I also feel like the last stanza doesn’t fit with the poem overall in line count, rhythm, or rhyme. Otherwise, a very promising piece, and I would love to see it after a bit of polishing. Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your work.
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