thank you.
Short Story / Elizabeth
Looking back, I realize I was really naïve. I believed the world would change for me. I thought I would be able to do anything. I know better now. I should have known then.
I ask that you reserve your judgments until I am done. I am fourteen, and the year is fourteen ninety eight. I had thought in the reign of Henry the VII that England would be civilized. I was born to a noble house. Having always had plenty of money, I never thought much of it. However I also never abused my wealth. That goes against my nature. I was simply who I was, Nothing more.
I had a small talent for herbcraft, though I found little patience for the formal training the doctors went through. The idea of using drills to bleed the “poison” out disgusted me greatly. After all it meant doing more harm to the sick. The church endorsed this so all fell right on that wagon. Thus it became the accepted way to deal with all illness.
My father begged me to hold my tongue about such matters. He said my flaming hair would garner accusations and my shrewish tongue would prove them. A lord’s daughter should not be so reckless. I suppose now I should have heard clearer what he said. You understand, of course, I knew it all then. I had no shame, all pride.
I started healing various ailments. Simple herbal remedies that brought comfort to the ailing and aged. If I had paid heed to the tongues that wag, I would have been prepared. I gave freely to the poor and the wretched. I spoke of acceptance to those who had sinned. For why would God not forgive, when it is what was promised? I was beautiful then, of this I have no doubt.
I ignored the witch hunters. I was no witch so I saw no need to pay them mind. The whispers around town were of torture and of evil things being done to the accused. The whispers spoke of jealousies and false accusations as well. None of this touched me. It should have.
The accusation was made a week ago. I assumed the wealth and power my father had would free me. Or the magistrate would dismiss on the clear fact that it was nonsense.
When the hunters came, I was unafraid. I had the truth on my side. I was I am afraid to say a bit more than proud. I stood up against the mob and the jeers. For what could hurt me, I had the truth and I had God. I would soon find out.
I was stripped of all my clothes and belongings. The magistrate and his helpers searched for a mark, one that could never exist. I did not cry then. The exam was long, and I was made to stand the entire time. Yet, even then I was unafraid. For the next two days I found myself left alone with my thoughts. I was given moldy bread and dirty water every evening. I found I ate and was thankful for it. It seemed as though the days got worse as each passed. I found torture to be too kind a description for the machinations I endured.
As the seventh day dawns, I find fear in my heart and prayers on my lips. I have never broken the covenant with God nor man, but find that my death approaches faster than I ever thought it would. My flaming hair hangs matted now, as bathing has not been allowed me. I hear whispers at night of a young man’s voice. I am sure the voice is a sign that my mind is cracking, or my will breaking. Either way, I cannot remain here.
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leous reviewed Version 7 -
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icedsapphire reviewed Version 7 -
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Audiobooks reviewed Version 7 -
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First of all I’m not sure what length of piece this is intended to be. It is more than a novel treatment, because a treatment (by my understanding) is a highly detailed synopsis. This looks more like the story itself.
The second question regards the eventual length of the piece. These first two chapters are fast-paced (which is good), but I almost got the feeling that they were moving too fast. At some point we are going to have to slow down and learn a little bit about Suzanne. I’m not saying that you are wrong to launch into the story quickly – it actually works very well – but I think we need a few extra little asides to give us a slightly better idea of Suzanne and her inheritance. At minimum give us a sense of location (East Coast, Mid-West, urban, rural) her social status (married, single, engaged, who is Joe?) and her job/skills (is she a professional, homemaker, presumably not academic as she is not good at research).
I do not mean that you have to tell us all of this in detail. That can wait till later. But you should hint at it. Unless there is some compelling reason not to.
Also you should give us some idea of the appearance, size, age and location of the house. Is it an old farm house on a rural area? An urban brownstone? is it rundown? Well kept? Just a few brief adjectives will help. I know some people say that a writer should use as few adjectives as possible. But this is a simplistic myth. Adjectives are necessary to set the scene. If you want to describe without using adjectives, there are ways to do this too. For example if the house is meant to be old you can evoke it while keeping up the pace of action by saying that “dust rose up” as she sprinted up the stairs. (That’s just an example.)
At times the language was grammatically awkward: ”Having inherited the house was going to be more interesting than she thought.” It’s owning the house that’s going to be interested. ”Having inherited” is the back story that you’re trying to segue into the sentence to speed things up, instead of putting it into a sentence of its own.
There was also a change of tense, that I think was a mistake: “Running her fingers through her red hair, she smiles and hurries to the phone. If you want to use the present tense, you can, but then be consistent. The rest (before and after) was in the past tense.
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RPierce reviewed Version 7 -
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littlegreenpills reviewed Version 7 -
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Lin reviewed Version 7 -
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The idea & your writing style is engaging.
‘Chapter Two
Suzanne stared blankly at the yellowing paper. Surprise too mild to describe the thoughts she was having,’
I was caught by surprise too. The story on ‘yellowing paper’ is in the hands of Suzanne, just like that. Perhaps you could write a pensketch about Elizabeth before starts reading Elizabeth’s ordeal. cheers, lin
oneshot92 reviewed Version 7 -
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Wonderful story telling. In the start of the letter, she mentions that she always had plenty of money.- I’m not sure I would use the term money here. It seems out of place.
Also, at the end, you use the term info. Other than in dialogue, I would write out the ful word, Information. It just reads better.
Other than that I think you have a eonderful piece of work here. Thank you for the oppertunity to review.
GoddessOfNight reviewed Version 7 -
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Something about this grabbed my attention. I would think this would not be the entire story, but I would like to read it if its not. I think you have much talent to share.
aprilrrobinson reviewed Version 7 -
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nice wording but short for a chapter try to add more and if this is a chapter are you going to contiue making chapters and beable to make 15, 20, or more chapters with this
starla77 reviewed Version 7 -
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The story is very interesting and you smartly end it at a point of climax, so that you get your readers want more.
I suggest to start the story describing the place, the time. You have to give a precise idea about where and when the action takes place. So you can star with: 1498, Prison of…
Spend also more words about the description of Elizabeth, and then go with the letter she writes. In this way you build a frame, a context to everything that comes later.
In any case, why should Elizabeth have left this letter? Where is the logic? She meant to escape the prison and this was supposed to remain secret. This is not clear, so maybe it’s better to explain.
The same is for chapiter 2. There is a big jump in time and if you don’t give more details about places and characters, who are now different, readers can be very confused. Where did Suzanne find Elizabeth’s letter? Who is Joe? you can’t say: “Remember the joke about the museum inheriting when I did?” if you don’t explain, because we don’t have a clue of what you are talking about. And who is Gram?
I’m curious to read the following chapiters, but please revise and be more specific.
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