Thanks for your comments. I must say i wrote this peice a few years ago now and hopefully my grammar etc, etc, etc, had improved!
I’d not thought of taking it further, and may, now you have suggested it!
Short Story / the dove and the jackal version 2
Sammie took himself the piano seat and began stroking the keys, making the piano cry. The notes flowed like tears. Man it was beautiful.
From where i was sitting i could see charlotte making her way over to Max at the bar, she couldn’t see me, I’m not sure she ever did, if she had, even just for a second, then maybe, but never mind, too late now. Max sits there elbows resting on the bar, shoulders up by his ears like a drunken wolf staring eyes half opened at his reflection, then he watches her enter the frame. To him that piece of skirt, Charlie is making a nuisance of herself again, to me i see a dove offering itself to a jackal. She wraps her beautiful wings around his jagged shoulders, his head turns from the mirror and his eyes move toward her chest as he contemplates using her. He lifts his glass to his mouth and jerks back his whisky grinning and ugly.
The piano and me seem to share the sorrow of the moment, i lament statically although you wouldn’t know i gave a dam. Whilst the piano still cries, like a picture of my insides, but neither of us are heard in the toxic mist of this sacrifice.
He grins and slides his hand up her thigh and she grins back, it’s the face he wants to see, the dirty bitch he wants, so the dove hides her fragile spirit in spit and lust to be held by an abuser, the only reflection she can take is that which confirms her sense that she is less than a dove, and he is what she deserves. So the invisible; me and Sammie and the piano, those that would in her eyes be foolish to think more of her, sit and listen to our own warm hearts,- bit players in a crime scene.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
avedis reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Story, style and flow – excellent. Technically, quite a few weaknesses.
I’ve no idea on formatting with Urbus – I just shove in lot’s of line breaks.
That last line “crime scene”, nearly but not quite captures it – partly because it is not over, corruption is still taking place. No suggestions, but think on it.
Those technicalities, mainly punctuation that would bring more power to the sentences;
This sentence “From where…too late now.” It’s OK as one sentence, a mind dump fits, but a colon would work wonders. ->”From where..the bar; she couldn’t..late now.”
Same with the next, plus one break. “Max sits..the frame.” -> “Max sits..bar; shoulders..wolf, staring..reflection. Then he watches her enter the frame.”
“piece of skirt, Charlie is making” ->”piece of skirt, Charlie, is making” and “again, to me” ->”again. To me”
These two suggested sentence breaks add more strength to the second sentences. (“Then he…” and “To me…”)
“from the mirror and his eyes ” ->”from the mirror, and his eyes “
“his whisky grinning ” ->”his whiskey, grinning ” (The whiskey wasn’t grinning).
“of the moment, i lament statically ” ->”of the moment. i(I) lament statically,.. “
“cries, like a” ->”cries; like a” (A semi-colon introduces a related list)
“she grins back, it’s the…” ->”she grins back. It’s the ” (The new sentence needs to be on it’s own, fresh to list the ensuing statement).
Not trying to be pedantic, I like this.
- add/view comments (1)
mexicat90 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I love the way that this is written. That is, I love the imagery you use and the way you explain things.
However, as you may guess, judging from your note at the top, grammar is a bit of a problem here. Maybe just keep editing and have people look at it one-on-one to help out with little things like that.
And maybe even expand the story. Give us a plot. The descriptions are great, but I want more of a story.
Personally, anyway.
Rhapsody reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 228 word review has not been unlocked.
benhammbrat reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Ultimately it’s a good idea, but there were somw drawbacks. I didn’t get the sentence “Sammie took himself the piano seat” you may want to put a to between himself and the. You have some capitalization errors, too. I don’t know if you meant to spell some of your words differently, (i.e. dam instead of damn) but overall it is a good idea. Keep writing!
SRanson reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
There are a couple of things going on here which are confusing.
First, I like the stream of consciousness, but you still need to work on the punctuation to give the reader more of a sense of how you mean it to be read. I was guessing a film noir kind of detective’s inner voice type of narration. I hope that was what you were going for.
Second, the second pragraph is so abrupt that I had to reread it. There’s this smooth voice flowing along and then you throw in “the dirty bitch he want” seems to come out of no where. I’m confused on what you are going for there.
The whole “dove” reference is off. Are you going for Peace? Why not just say “it’s the naughty girl he wants, not the innocent persona she tries to hide her fragile spirit behind.” That way, you’re not insulting women readers and still getting your point accross. Maybe even devil v. angel would work.
Good luck.
whitey reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I like this short-story and am amused at the protagonist’s own inner monologue, relating how much he feels charlie is obviously too good for Max and just doesn’t realize it yet.But at the same time while i like the description and message in the writing i feel the protagonist own leering, contemplative view-point looking on from afar, judging them, to be a little hypocritical on this charcters part because obiviously she left this guy and deemed him unfit before and there must bemore to this story, which i’d like to read. I feel if the writer is going for this nice guys finish last scenario, this beginning doesn’t portray the protagonist as being a really stable alternative to MAx at least from the readers standpoint and a little hard to trust from his own jaded commments surrounding the entire scene.
whitey
campb26593 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This piece is very erotic and boldly jealous. Francois de la Rochefoucauld is quoted as saying “Jealousy is more self-love than love.” If I could offer one suggestion for improvement, it would be the narrator’s acknowledgement that he cared less for Charlie than for the imago within him which she merely mimics in physical form.
djb297 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Good visuals and characterization. I’m afraid there are still half a dozen places where commas are still needed towards the end. That’s the biggest problem and causes readers to pause to consider the sentence as a whole. There also may be a better word than “crime” in the last sentence.
Allex_Spires reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Sammie took himself the piano seat
[“Seat” should be “stool” or “bench”]
and began stroking the keys, making the piano cry.
[Repeating the word “piano in the hook sentence is annoying repetition, replacing the word with a synonym, such as “instrument” will solve thios problem]
The notes flowed like tears.
[This is a subjective description and does not express any new information or clarify old information. For all I know he’s the worst pianist in the world]
Man it was beautiful.
[Prove it. You can say that a grocery bag caught in an updraft is beautiful, but how is it beautiful unless I can experience it to verify this fact?]
From where [I] was sitting[, I] could see©harlotte making her way over to Max[,] at the bar, she couldn’t see me, I’m not sure she ever did, if she had, even just for a second, then maybe, but never mind, too late now.
[This is a run-on sentence that contains no information. Where is the bar? Who is Max? What does Narrator want with Charlotte? Maybe he hates her. Who is Narrator talking to? You have this designed like a one sided conversation when it should be Narrator’s personal thoughts. Nobody thinks as though they are talikng to someone]
Max sits there[,] elbows resting on the bar, shoulders up by his ears like a drunken wolf staring[;] eyes half opened at his reflection[. T]hen he watches her enter the frame.
[How does he watch her? does he drop his shoulders and turn his head? does he just shift his eyes in the bar mirror, and if he does, how can Narrator tell? Where is Narrator as opposed to the piano or the bar?]
To him[,] that piece of skirt, Charlie[,] is making a nuisance of herself again[. T]o me[: I] see a dove offering itself to a jackal.
[How? You just said that he doesn’t want her. That may as well be a whip offering its services to a dead horse byu the first half of your description]
She wraps her beautiful wings around his jagged shoulders, his head turns from the mirror and his eyes move toward her chest as he contemplates using her.
[He has to drop his shoulders to turn his head. The description suggests that she is behind him so Either he turned his head like an owl or he moved his whole body]
He lifts his glass to his mouth and jerks back his whisky[,] grinning and ugly.
[What’s ugly about it? Uglu is subjective and must be verified for the reader to comprehend]
The piano and [I] seem to share the sorrow of the moment,
[How?]
a dam[n].
Whilst the piano still cries,
[An in the meantime, I have no idea what a crying piano sounds like. You have to give me some piece of comparisson]
like a picture of my insides, but neither of us are heard in the toxic mist of this sacrifice.
[I understand, crying on the inside, if neither are heard, then how does Narrator hear the Piano and how can Narrator verify that nobody else listened to the piano? We still don’t have a location]
He grins and slides his hand up her thigh and she grins back, it’s the face he wants to see, the dirty bitch he wants, so the dove hides her fragile spirit in spit and lust to be held by an abuser, the only reflection she can take is that which confirms her sense that she is less than a dove, and he is what she deserves.
[This is a run-on sentence that contains no subject. Is this Sammie at the piano? It could be by your description and transition]
So the invisible; me and Sammie and the piano, those [who] would[,] in her eyes[,] be foolish to think more of her, sit and listen to our own warm hearts,- bit players in a crime scene.
[What does this last sentence mean?]
NeoDaDevil reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
wow that’s really an interesting post…..really makes you think how vulnerable humans really are to their more connving counterparts.
Showing 1 - 10 of 21
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
11 Reviews 9 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: 7 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 10 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
Versions
| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |