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Poetry / GETTING OFF
GETTING OFF
I
I am a denotation
Of a detonation
Button
Waiting to implode,
Envelope us all in tragedy;
Repaying in drama whatever I’m owed.
Is she liking this?
But of course,
Since we all long for purpose.
It is only the instability,
The danger to you I encompass,
That causes me distress.
II
Selfish
in sleep and sex,
we gasp into pillows;
all the people,
all global concerns,
ceasing to exist.
We must sicken at how
each moment that allows
us, briefly, to be ourselves,
reveals our own company
undesirable.
This must be why
we are daily resigned
to things as hollow
and mundane as wages
interfering with indulgence,
displacing our supposed ‘bliss’.
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JBHAFFORD reviewed Version 4 -
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Getting Off is impassioned and adrenalizing. However, the stanza,
“We must sicken at how
each moment that allows
us, briefly, to be ourselves,
reveals our own company
undesirable,”
disrupts the flow of the poem.
I suggest studying “hidden rhyme.” I find this meter of hidden rhyme helps me greatly, even in free-verse which I’m getting away from. Free-verse is fine for practice and free-writing, but I don’t think it is considered professional.
Anyways, good job.
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BrandyWine reviewed Version 3 -
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There are always things in this life that Interfere with our bliss. When I read this piece I felt a Relief of something that needed to be said a long time ago. I enjoyed reading it.
jenhollers reviewed Version 3 -
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Oh my GOD I love this!!! I’ve read a lot of crap work and was getting tired of reviewing it but this is really refreshing. It could use a little tweaking but it’s seems pretty close to a final product.
I especially like the second part of the work. ”Selfish in sleep and sex,
we gasp into pillows;” this imagery is so simple yet so complex and portrayed in a really beautiful way… Also, “something as mundane and hollow as a salary…” Is a universally understood and appreciated concept and is expressed well..
I’m still left at a loss as to what the poem is referring to… You are osviously complaining about work and perhaps one of the downfalls of mankind but..are you wanting to bomb your company? Where does the girl referred to once and then never covered again come in? It’s a little disjointed there but that part is good and shouldn’t be lost- mainly because “Since we all long for purpose.” is a great line…
March 17, 2007
Deleted User
Review of Version 3 -
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|) I got the feeling that, we as people long for those moments of trail. In a way it might distract us from other things.
||) I can see only a tiny bit on how it might relate to the first one, but I am not even sure if it is supposed to.
I honestly do not know how to comment on these. I like them. I love the first lines of the second one..
“Selfish
in sleep and sex,
we gasp into pillows”
Very curious and poetic.
sirM reviewed Version 3 -
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I like the jazzy cadence in the opening lines most. It evokes the sexual energy and movement that a reader might expect from a poem entitled “GETTING OFF.” Your second section contains a well-phrased rift in its second stanza. The idea works so well as an ending that I am inclined to think you should finish there, the last stanza being less interesting, less philosophical, and almost ascerbically political. Before I finish, I want to say that the word “button” at first struck me as an allusion to a woman’s clitoris. If so, it works well with the fun question “is she liking this?” It works less well with the speaker’s babble about “trajedy” and “whatever I am owed” and “danger.” I leave these words scratching my head. Why not leave this poem to its central subject, getting off, and sex? The finish to the second stanza of section two ties it all up nicely. You can create another poem about these other topics. They are not worked out well right now in this poem anyway.
Squigglesy reviewed Version 3 -
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I don’t understand why you’ve linked the two words ‘denotation’ and ‘detonation’ other than to create a tongue-twister; the similarity of the two words doesn’t relate to any theme that I can see in the poem and appears to be frills for the sake of them.
aaronlomax reviewed Version 3 -
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maybe try why else would we daily tolerate, something….
and kill the question mark. even though you started the stanza with WHY…it doesn’t matter. end on a period. the second part is much stronger than the 1st, but the 1st doesn’t need any work. it is what it is. the second stanza does its job in sewing up all the loose ends and bringing the reader to your point. a damn good point at that. i enjoyed. good job. keep working.
oh and splitting it up into parts using “II” isn’t appealing to me…..unless it’s meant to be a 2 part epic poem. i didnt think this was the case here.
excuse my grammar and capitalization. i’m lazy in my reviewing….and life in general…’cept for writing. :)
March 01, 2007
Deleted User
Review of Version 2 -
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Overall I thought it was pretty good- though nothing spectacular. I think the imagery was a bit lacking due to some wilty words, but some noteable passages, for me, were ”...we gasp into the pillows”—that was nice, pretty imagery. Really liked the little line about drama. Cute. Pretty good, but could be spicier, could be better.
aaronlomax reviewed Version 2 -
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the last stanza, while very good(the point of it) is still worded very awkardly. work on the flow of that last stanza a little more. i’m not talking about mother goose rhymin, but just a little more flow on the last stanza. word it differently. the 1st version’s last stanza was better, but it needed to be re-worded. you almost got it. keep at it. let me know when you revise.
dropdedman reviewed Version 1 -
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“to permit things hollow
as wages interfering” I think you need the as there. ‘as hollow/ as wages’ and ‘interfering’ needs to become ‘to interfere’.
in general, i find that you stretch grammatical rules, but with no impact on rhythm that i can perceive. There is a ‘word debt’ from line to line:
I am a denotation
Of a detonation
(a) Button (which you are trying to stretch from line 1)
Waiting to implode,
(to) Envelope us all in tragedy; (this to is stretched from the previous line)
(I am) Repaying in drama whatever I’m owed. (the semicolon necessitates it). These ‘implied’ words cause blockages in ease of comprehension, but I don’t see the end result fitting in an aural or imagic pattern that would justify this.
I like denotation/detonation; and of course your lines on ‘indulgence allows us to truly be ourselves’. ‘we gasp into pillows’ is powerful. evidently, the abiding theme of ‘getting off’, linking sexual guilt with civilizational guilt is the power-core of this piece.
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