Short Story / So We Write...

I thought this was an interesting premise – writers writing because they have no other way to digest what they encounter in life.

I also loved the rhythm of some of your sentences -

‘standing on the porch of a tagger’s canvas filled with the half-dead who dream of living while creating their own purgatory’ .... great sounds in this and other sentences.

I disliked the melancholy feel of the piece – I found it slightly self-indulgent in places.

Well, my friend, where do we start?  The title, the statement made in the ‘Notes to Reviewer’,  the last line of the ‘story’ all make a statement.  People write for different reasons; to be understood, to understand ones’ self, fame, glory, to be heard.

Buried deep beneath this string of words lies important and poignant sentiments, even a creativity.  All this was lost. 90% of your sentences were so poorly constructed that the piece was rendered nearly unreadable.

Write this again.  Use more periods.  Drop almost every “and”.  Do not string words together simply because they sound ‘cool’.  Decide why it is you write.

For me some parts of the story were difficult for me to read. You have so much metaphors and so many similes that it makes this piece somewhat abstract. I commend you for writing a very complex concept, the different phrases of one’s life, the observations of a writer on society.
My favorite part of your story is ” Eyes that are portholes on a sunken ship torpedoed in its prime, an ancient, luxurious ship whose deck felt the feet of many revelers and the sun of many seas. We know that if those eyes could speak we would gladly watch the unfolding play – we would rejoice in the ocean of memory in escape of our pond of reflection. We know they would speak, those eyes, but they can’t. They have become nothing but bars in the prison of expression. Nothing in, nothing out, and a tear dries on our sleeve – the tear she could not shed for herself”
To me it absolutely stunning! It reads almost like a poem. The imagery here is so profound. I also really love the spaces in between the paragraphs. Those sentences help to ground the reader back to the main character. The ” So we write” is the perfect ending to this story and adds a bit of whimsical humor to the overall sad contemplative voice of the story.

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June 18, 2009

by CmputrAce

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
15	57.1% (7 votes)	10.3%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
53	M	Friendswood, TX	October 07

Thank you very much for your review. It’s time for me to get back to writing.

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  This is a true and well-put description. It’s absolutely real and undeniable. Some don’t see it and others do, and so this might not be the best review in the eyes of the ones who most definitely look and don’t see. I applaud this creation, as you know exactly what you’re talking about. You challenged yourself and wrote something that, as writers, many people can relate to flawlessly. You challed us and got into our minds.

  I also applaud your choice of words. I’d be one incredulous sister if someone could ever put it in a better use of vocabulary than you did. And so what can I say to someone who has undoubtedly reached way beyond the boundaries and pulled out the very soul of what it is all about? What do I say to someone who creates a document so admirable and true and altogether heart-stopping and leaves you breathless, yet connects and gives you hope that somewhere out there, someone knows how you feel?

  And now it has come to the simple “Thanks,” that I give to you. I appreciate and cherish the words you shared with the public, the words that I needed, that many will need.

  ^.- Lu2l

This one really rung true in a bunch of different ways.  I’m not quite sure how the “foxholes” metaphor was supposed to work… I’d watch out for the run-on sentence at the very end of the toddler paragraph, if you broke it up it would be a lot clearer.  Overall, I really loved this piece, with the symbolism and original thoughts.  

Nice reflective piece.  This is nitpicking, but this seems more like a diary entry, blog, or even a reflective essay than a story.  But I could be wrong.  Doesn’t matter anyway.

The language is smooth so it flows nicely.  Even though it is written with a higher level vocabulary this does not interrupt the movement of the piece.  I like the transitions of child, to teen, to elder, but no adult?  

Interesting that word zombies… I like how you used it.

Thank you for writing this.

Good luck!

Wow!!! I won’t waste your points on too many words here by repeating your words..your uses and expressions in some places appear almost like opposites..on sides of life/thoughts/expressions…it’s like you crawed inside many of my own thoughts throughout my life, while watching others. And here I thought sometimes that I was just weird or crazy…thanks for such a great job of expressing not only the “writing” but thoughts of/on life itself.

You capture the essence of being a writer very well. This has a nice poetic nature to it. I feel something else you could add is the a variation of what Woody Allen said in Annie Hall. We can create the world, the people in it and change the ending as we please. This is very good and so true.

WOW, very well done! You have captured life (at least for me) to the tee! What a beautiful way with words you have and how true you words ring out. i never saw it in that light before, well, I couldn’t put it into words the way you did. I loved the “We watch and listen and feel and cry. We laugh and drink and lie down to rest and count not sheep but lives we encountered today. We cannot sleep or rest or empty our minds…” Wonderful! And so true, the way everyone touches our lives and yet, most times, we don’t realize it but, it’s always there, in the back of our mind. Always making us who and what we are….I know, not really a review, just so powerful I haf to let you. Really well done!