That’s great! You picked out the exact sentence that made me write the whole thing! I did an exercise in which you are supposed to create a scene in 55 words with as much intrigue as possible: and the bit you picked out were my exact 55!!!
Short Story / The Other Womb
Expecting to see her lover, Elaine answered the door with a smile. “What did you forget this time…?” the sentence died on her lips. It wasn’t Lucas standing there. It was his wife, Marissa.
It was too late to hide her pregnant belly under a baggy t-shirt. Elaine swallowed.
”So who’s the lucky guy, sis?”
Elaine stuttered, opening her mouth then closing it again. “Just a guy I met at the café. Lewis, I think.” It was a lame lie, and she knew it. Elaine tried and failed to meet Marissa’s cold stare.
“You too good to use condoms? Where is this ‘Lewis’ anyway? Out buying a new crib for the nursery?” Marissa wasn’t giving in. She cocked her head to the side and tapped her fingernails against the doorframe.
“What do you want, Marissa? Other than to bug the hell out of me?” Elaine crossed her arms over he chest.
“So you want me to get to the point, then? You’ve been fucking Lucas for months. And while I knew he was having an affair I was surprised to find out that it was you who has been smelling up my sheets with your dollar store perfume.” Marissa pushed her way into the apartment, taking the door from Elaine and closing it behind her. “But you being pregnant, well that was the shocker of a lifetime.”
Elaine felt a stab of pity for her estranged sister. She was unable to bear children and had let that fact eat away at her happiness and her marriage. Lucas had confided in her after the Christmas party, when Marissa had gone home because of a headache. He felt so lonely, and Marissa hadn’t touched him sexually since she had found out she was barren. They talked for a long time that night, and she knew he had felt the spark between them. Resistant at first, Lucas continued to call her for comfort but never took it any further. At least until the night Marissa blamed him for her inability to reproduce. He had come running to her that night, had held her close, and had made love to her until her body shuddered with pleasure. Elaine said nothing.
“No comments? Well, that’s too bad.” Marissa pulled out a pistol.
Elaine backed away until she felt the wall behind her. “You don’t have the balls.”
“You don’t know what I have. Now get to your room and pack a bag. You and I are going on a little trip.”
“Where are we going?” Elaine felt a small knot rising in her throat.
The gunshot was loud and reverberated throughout the room. A small hole was in the wall inches away from Elaine’s head. “This isn’t fucking share time. Get moving or the next shot will be lower nd on target.”
Elaine walked down the hall to her bedroom, clutching at her belly with one hand and steadying herself with the other. Bile pushed against the back of her throat. When had Marissa learned to shoot a gun? Where is she taking me? Elaine mindlessly grabbed a duffel bag from the closet and started packing her things. Lucas, where in the hell are you?
Lucas was in a world of pain. Three shotgun rounds of rock salt in the belly and one in his left thigh bit at him like a hundred small animals with sharp teeth. Marissa had drugged his wine last night at dinner, and he had awoken chained to a pipe in the basement of their lovely home. Fucking bitch, he thought, pulling against the chains and ignoring the wounds on his stomach and leg. She had waited until he was awake to shoot him. He hadn’t known that she had held so much rage. Or maybe he had and that was what had sent him running the other direction. Either way he knew she knew about his affair with Elaine, and he had to get out of here and get to her, help her.
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rembrandt reviewed Version 1 -
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Just great, I’m loving the vengeance in this tale. You’ve written it so that hoping Marissa slaughters her sister while her husbands wiles away in the basement seem right. Justified, even though she’s a total maniac.
I’m eager to see where you’ll take. Perhaps turning the story around a bit so that there is more sympathy directed towards Elaine and Lucas. Splendid beginning though.
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psychonaut13 reviewed Version 1 -
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It would seem that the depth of the characters doesn’t really come out much. we’re supposed to feel for the characters, or at least know them in some way. we should care for them, even in a short story.
i do like your descriptions though, sparingly but nicely used.
Bartleby reviewed Version 1 -
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This could be great, but to put it simply, you gave me waaayy too much to quickly. All I had to do was read two sentences and I got everything I wanted. It was like, oh she’s pregnant, oh her sister’s husband, oh, her sister can’t have kids, wow they’re gonna die. And it’s over.
I wasn’t emotionally involved. This is just way too short, and I’m not sure I’ve ever said that, or will ever say that again. But really. Don’t tell me everything. Carry me along in the story, make it a secret, then reveal it. Give me background on the characters, and never just tell me what’s going on. Make me fight for it.
But, this is obviously a very dramatic story, so don’t drop it. Just reanimate it.
ae reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh, that just CRACKS!
Here it is:
It was his wife, Marissa.
It was too late to hide her pregnant belly under a baggy t-shirt. Elaine swallowed.
”So who’s the lucky guy, sis?”
GotDAMN! That is blistering. Nice snappy dialogue, excellent description, great pacing. Not a single criticism or complaint outta me. I don’t do fiction, but I would read this. Swear I would.
Kinda feel bad I don’t have anything to suggest, but it’s okay to be spot on. Nothing wrong with that at all!
pattyhinojos reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked this immediately!
The conversations were natural, flowing. Some people struggle with making the talking sound real. Not you. This played out very well. Good job.
Marissa is being quite justifiably mean. I love the rock salt. It’s obvious she has other plans for Lucas.
I can’t wait to read more!
I found no word usage mistakes, missing some punctuation here or there, but not so that you notice unless you are looking to proofread it. Excellent work.
indigosky reviewed Version 1 -
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Great writing! You said a lot in a small space and and you said it well. The writing is very natural and interesting. I am very interested in what happens next.
In the third to last paragraph you forgot an “a” for the and, that’s the only correction I spotted. Great work
alecthegreat reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
You have a great way of showing and expressing the details in this story. Bits of information just roll out without being overwhelming. Good job!
With that said, the story does start to rush near the end. About the last third or so of the story feels like it was racing to get to the end.
I think that if you go back to this, slow it down a little bit, you’ll find a far deeper story here.
It also feels incomplete. So far, this is just a snapshot that’s waiting to reach its full potential.
Overall, like I said, I like this piece and think that you have some great writing in this story. I would just like to see you expand this piece into something more. Good luck with your writing!
txvagabond reviewed Version 1 -
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This is well-written, but I feel that it is lacking in terms of development. If you plan to extend it, then it is a very good beginning. It starts very well, but once the focus turns to Lucas in the last paragraph, it feels like the author got bored with the piece and just decided to reveal everything. If you do develop this more, I hope you continue to draw it out like you do until the last paragraph.
momsgirl2 reviewed Version 1 -
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Writen very well and a very interesting story. I want to know more and I think that says how gripping this part of your tale is..Good job.
artattackz reviewed Version 1 -
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very well done technically, yet I haven’t much compassion for elaine, nor Marissa either. Perhaps she could be scarier? More desperate. Describe her crazed face or something?Or is she stone cold, almost like the possibility of baring children being taken away from her sucked her humanity out of her…is there more…???
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