Poetry / One Year Ago Today

I really like the word play with the word woo and the computer button clicking. However, you need to be careful with trite, overused words like “dreams”, “hopes”, and “heart”. This poem can be really good if you changed those specific words to something less cliche. Also, since the romance is over the internet, try adding some aspect to the poem that would point to that but not in an obvious manner. Further, try describing the supposed sex stanza by adding some descripion. Not intimate details but better word choices. The ending is a bit weak as well. It needs something to make it pop and stick in my head. I haven’t read a lot of your work but do you like sparse writing? If so then just change specific words, if not then add more to the poem. I think this poem can be something really good with some revision.

I reccomend a more serious term than “woo”, it adds humor to this, but I still see you message crystal clearly, good job.

I liked the structure. The first section is a bit awkward to me. I liked the wooed part and then it just didn’t flow. I also wish there was a bit more raw emotion. Though i do like its simplicity and the promise to woo until the end.

i like this stanza the best:

“We became friends,
then good friends,
then best friends”

but if you ask me for a tip, i think you should try to capitalize every first word on each line. it makes it look more proffessional that way. either that, or dont capitalize anythin at all. becuase half of them being capitalized and the other half arent, it makes it look sloppy if you ask me.

but the poetic structure is very good. how there three lines in a stanza then a solitary line between them. its all very well writte, good job!

the rhymes and the message behind this poem are also very good. you should give yourself a pat on the back for this one! :]

I love it that this is about a friendship and you gave it an anniversary!

My hopes were found…
My dreams reborn…
My heart set free…

For lonely people in search of a friend, the above paragraph says it all.

It doesn’t have to be love – it can be a friendship of any kind.

lol. the wordplay is quite amusing.

“one year ago today” sounds a little awkward. consider rewording. maybe something like last year on this day or keep it.

the ellipsis i feel are really disrupting since nothing is being omitted and pauses really aren’t necessary or needed.

i was a little disappointed at the conclusion since i was hoping for a finisher to the dangling “little did i know” in the beginning.

also, personally i’m not a fan of repetition. i dont feel it works here. consider maybe like we became friends, good friends, even best friends. and maybe substitute in other words for the stanza with “I’s” like “then” and “and.” lastly, create a parallel in the 3rd to last stanza. consider something like My hopes, found. My dreams, reborn, My heart, free.

of course all these are just some suggestions and can totally be disregarded if you feel yours is more effective.

How charming!  I enjoyed your short poem.  I wish that it could have been longer, though.  I will watch for more of your work.

It sounds so sweet and romantic, like fate brought you two together.  Good luck!

This is a nice sentiment and I like the format of the poem with the personal take on your experience in love.  It’s pretty straight forward and simple and nice enough that people can find love like that.  I like the way you incorporated the word, woo into more than just one meaning and that is why this is a good poem.  Plus the ease in format.  Thanks for sharing.

Oh, it’s a cute peice!  I have to say it sounds like she really meant something to  you.  I’m sorry to hear that the two of you were unable to further your relationship.  I liked the usage of the word woo.  I do have a suggestion pertaining to the way you arranged it.  In the last stanza:

I will woo
you every day…
every moment…
from now on.

The way this is arranged, it messes up the flow your poem has, I think:

I will woo you
everyday….
and every moment…
forever more.

I mean it is just my opinion, but I think that it would sound better arranged that way, and with a couple different word usages.

Well, keep writing and take care.

Izzy

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April 02, 2007

by CmputrAce

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Thank you for the review, and thank you for the suggestion. It does work better.

No sadness.. She moved here. We’ve been together for almost a year now and are incredibly happy.

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