I f_cked an asian hooker the other evening. Stumbled into a forbidden area of civility, an unreversible question of tempting lust.
A desire to be with someone, to have in my arms, to hold and to trust.
I rang the bell, inside a 1×1 hallway, pink colour bouncing off faded white walls. Up the stairs, and onto a lounge, I sat and madam drew a thick blue/green curtain around me, like I was a critically injured patient on a hospital bed. I waited, scared, drunk, under the influence of emotion altering substances, without any social control, lacking rationality and only one thing on my mind.
They appeared through the curtain, one by one, and I chose. I followed behind to a room lit up by an orange light shining through dying red rose petal lampshades, slightly adding some life to a place, where love doesn’t exist even if recurringly “made”.
I can’t remember her name or the place she comes from, but she said she was an aquarian, somewhere from thailand and her name (the one she gave me) began with “N”. I released all of my pent up desire and sexual needs on her lips, her breasts, her neck and her c_nt. If it was in front of me, I wanted to lick it, sniff it and penetrate it, with my tongue, my mouth, my nose, my fingers and my c_ck. For a moment before anything happened I felt as if I had gone to a strangers apartment and when she pointed to the shower, I thought “I’ve never done it in there”. But, then I realised it’s for me to wash before laying my already clean body on her “already showered, have absorbed so much sweat” femininity.
I couldn’t help to lose myself and think I was kissing and almost making love to someone I knew or had almost met earlier in the night. Rachel her name was and she kissed me before i even asked for her name. I somehow recall asking what she did and she yelled in my ear (trying to make sense of drumbeats and muffled conversation sounds mangled together like cigarette smoke) “Study Journalism!”.
I’ve always wanted to make love to a journalist. Well, not just make love, but hold hands and drink coffee and discuss the figure of malnutrition related deaths occuring daily in African villages.
She had blonde hair, and a face I could see without sight. She seemed like someone I had been living all my life to find (And believe me I really have been waiting). I told her she was beautiful and she really was.
I also told the hooker she was beautiful, many times. Afterwards she said she came twice. I didn’t.
But…............. I held Rachels hand.
She led the way and we went for a walk, up the winding stairs from the dark, smoke filled room to the strobe light dancefloor above, crowded with sloppy revellers. As we stood in the middle of the packed like sardines crowd, with only glimpses of her face, I began to sweat, motionless, for some reason wanting to get away yet wanting to do nothing else for the remainder of my life but stay. To this day I can still picture her disappointed and sad face which seemed to indicate she was thinking “why is he so f_cked up, when I’m here”. If only I could have controlled myself. If only I knew what to do after waiting for so god damn long.
Before I realised what had been done, she was gone and I stood there all alone. Yet again.
So what was I supposed to do, when all I really wanted was to lay in her arms.
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This was so good. I usually find short stories boring or forcing so much information that they lose cohesiveness. You conquered this task very smoothly by keeping the reader interested, even nosey all in your business if you will. I immediately noticed the misspelling of unreversible instead of irreversible, but then I thought it still works. The english language is so monotonous that i don’t see why unreversible is not a word. Un is and reversible is and it means the same thing! soooo “I” like it the way it is but to a publisher it has to be technically correct. Initially, the ending had me confused but a second reading made me aware and this is where you went deep in a very suttle way. The guy is so nevous and shy around Rachel that he can not develop intamcy and therefore must solve his sexual desires with a hooker. Damn, I think i’ve met men like this before, Rachel needs to break the intamcy ice to get it going,LOL. Great piece, thanks for sharing.
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I think this is interesting, but it has some problems related to grammar and flow. I’ll just point out a couple of things I noticed:
-“unreversible” should be irreversible.
-“aquarian” What is that? A Thai sea creature? Did you mean agrarian? Would a Thai woman know that word?
-“already showered, have absorbed so much sweat” femininity. Parts like this don’t flow very well. I see what you’re saying, but in writing it doesn’t work, mainly because it’s hard to imagine a showered sweat soaked body. I think here you should make a choice; is she clean or covered in sweat?
There are some other parts similar to this where you tried to stuff too much into one description. I’m sure you’ll work it out.
Good luck.
B.
how i know this feeling – fiction or not – i know the desperate need to just 5 minutes worth or 5 dollars worth or 5 words worth of attention. desperation comes like a god damn flood. you do stupid things, which make you feel like worse shit than you did before. but for 5 minutes you felt like something. sorry for the morose review – but this sounds like it came out of me. thanks for keep it raw and not pouring sugar all over it. i’m in love.
Not bad, I think you’re on the right track.
“I f_cked an asian hooker the other evening. Stumbled into a forbidden area of civility, an unreversible question of tempting lust. A desire to be with someone, to have in my arms, to hold and to trust.”
Few things: Irreversible not unreversible. Asian not asian. And I think you should lose the rhyme, it sounds too forced. Also, “civility” doesn’t really work there. Civility is specifically politeness so the sentence is unintentionally ambiguous. You are saying that you are stumbling into a forbidden area of politeness or courtesy which implies that it’s the civility that is forbidden. Which would be an interesting statement but it doesn’t look like that was the intent. If it was, I apologize and maybe you could make it more apparent?
“an unreversible question of tempting lust…”
Seems superfluous to me. Not to mention a bit lost in it’s own sound. And by that I mean that it is one of those sentences that you think is great but falls short in the eyes of others. It doesn’t really make too much sense when paired with the other clause. Both of which might I add are dependent given that you are missing a subject in one and a predicate in the other.
As for the rest:
Paragraph breaks seem arbitrary. The swearing does little to add to the impact of the story and seems placed more for shock value than literary value. Half-way through the story you become -extremely- vague with pronouns, which again would be fine, but it seems unintentional. It looks like your protagonist is using this prostitute for Rachel but it’s unclear where she ends and Rachel begins, which would be find if it were a sort of transition but it’s more like trying to read something through stained glass – you can almost see what’s behind, just not quite.
Still one of the more promising stories I have read to day in my humble opinion.
Good luck and keep it up.
I’d suggest …to have them in my arms,... in the first paragraph. I like the idea and the execution but the one thing that nags me is the raw sex angle of fucking the hooker and the desperate need for true love of the protaganist. I could imagine a little more anger from the man with himself about his inability to form some kind of meaningful relationship. I don’t think this would be that attractive to a publisher not even for erotic writing, why would they want this?
-“1×1” => Prefer numbers written out and this wouldn’t be a hallway, but more of a really small room. Maybe something that says what it is? (I.E. Feet, meters, yards)
-“Up the…” => No comma after stairs, would put ‘I walk’ or something like that prior to ‘up the’ and take out the ‘I sat.’
-madam? If that’s her name, it should be capitalized.
-“waited[.] [S]cared” (Like the sentence though. Tells the reader what the guy is feeling)
-If you’re going to use vulgarity, don’t edit it. If you’re going to edit it, use substitutes instead. The censorship gets in the way of the story.
-“shower[.] I thought”
-“help [but] to lose myself” => It’s a bit clearer that way.
-“Rachel[,] her” (would suggest ‘her name was’ before the name, though)
-No commas before ‘and’
-Overkill on periods. Use an ellipse. Three periods, spaced out. Like this: . . .
-“She led the…” => Kind of a long sentence and it has a lot of information. Try cutting it down to three. (suggest : after ‘walk,’ after ‘above’ as breaks)
-Who’s he up there with? The hooker or Rachel? You’re switching what’s going on and it’s not entirely clear.
-Not really sure where you were going with this story. The title suggests a rendezvous with a hooker, where at the end the guy is talking about Rachel (or the hooker, as I wasn’t sure). You had a really solid beginning, but it kind of drifted off with the introduction of Rachel. Keep working at it.
Thanks for sharing.
The frankness of the title grabbed my attention. I find it offensive, but its my choice to read the story. I’d ask you to change the title, because the first line is very strong, but with the title it is redundant.
If I was still editing I would have spent less than a minute on this piece including the rejection slip mainly due to due to the grammatical and spelling errors. Publishing is tough. Many editors would be insulted by this piece, not by the subject matter, but by sloppy presentation and missing key elements of a short story.
Since Urbis is a different venue I’ll continue. But you have to understand most publishing houses/chapbooks/magazines, etc. accept about one percent of submissions, and that is out of thousands, and waste little time with substandard material.
After a quick scan, there are a few problems needing correction.
Unreversible isn’t a word. This word is a corruption of irreversible. I researched four dictionaries including one British concerning this.
“onto a lounge, should be “into . . .” Recurringly isn’t a word. “God damn,” is one word, “goddamn.” Thailand is capitalized.
This piece lacks several key elements of a short story. The protagonist doesn’t overcome adversity or resolve any problem. There isn’t rising action to a point of climax. No plot. You have a rough draft here, but I can tell you did a bit of work with it. But, and to be harsh, this wouldn’t be accepted by a skin magazine.
A good stories about sex, relationships, loneliness, and compulsion, are extremely hard to write.
After a second read, I suggest to you, if you want to go forth with this, print it out, give it to other writers and have them critique it with pen. Ask them to write what the plot line is.
WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I like the premise of this short story, but I’m left feeling that there were parts left out, like I don’t know enough of the story. Perhaps if you explain the drunken/drug induced stupor before the part about the prostitute it would make more sense. Also, did he/she see the prostitute right before then going to a club to meet the girl of his dreams? With the missing puzzle pieces, this story has a very dream-like quality that leaves me feeling as if I literally just woke up from a dream I couldn’t comprehend. I would really love to see more post editing, and overall really enjoyed reading.
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