Poetry / Time vs Death

Creative theme, it’s nice flow! (I can not write about grammar because I’m rookie in English)
Keep writing!

Hi,

There’s a rhythm to this that I think is more akin to a fine song lyric. It reminded me of the Stevie Nicks classic “Landslide.”

Anything that pokes fun of death gets my vote. If you’re planning to expand it, you could turn it into a chilling or even whimsical poem.

Thanks for being my first ever review.

Harold P

You are a good writer, I would read your book.  This is simple and tells a story at same time.  I like the fact that ” time whispers and death watches”

It’s just Okay. I don’t know that you’ve done anything interesting or new with the dynamic between life and death. “getting bolder” to me reads alike a cop-out for the rhyme. I feel as though that might not be what you actually want to say but feeling restrained by the rhyme, you left it in. “and his ashes were given to his brother” is way too long considering the formation of the other couplets. So is “started looking for another”. Plus the way that’s worded, it sounds like death works on one at a time.

Greetings

Technically this is a good poem. What it lacks is a reason to exist. The images are neither beautiful or grotesque. It has no lesson. It is a simple statement of facts told with personification and end rhyme. It needs layers to make it interesting. One way you might consider, is to change the last line to something like – Death watched all the while, reuniting him with his mother. Now instead of death being the monster waiting to pounce, surprise ending , death is his friend. Hope this helps, if not ignore it.

This is a great [iece. It’s simple easy to understand and has a lot of truth to it. Good job

The idea is very enjoyable the concept of time and death.  The old saying we die a little everyday came back to me.  With this being such a heavy concept though more lines need to be added.  I was just starting to get into the poem and it was done.  I think this would make a great vilanelle.  This is where your first and last line of a stanza repeat throughout the poem.  Then at the end combine to make the last two lines.

Wow. I thought this was incredibly powerful and…TRUE. Isn’t this how it always happens to people in disaster situations? We are never truly alone, and I think you captured that in this piece.

I really liked the flow of this piece, and most of all the impact.

Fantastic. I’ll look you up, for sure!

Thank you.

It is a short poem but powerful non the less. I think you could expand on what you have and make it a bit longer. But if you do add to it keep the last verse right where it is. It is perfect.