Hmm…i hadn’t realised how it could also be applied to modern government. Thanks for pointing that out…it kind of does summarise my feelings about them at the moment. Lol.
It’s actually about a friend coming out of hospital, but i like how you interpreted it.
Thanks for your review.
Poetry / SYSTEMS
Men in offices
lined with textbooks,
whose contents they have barely glimpsed.
Women with patronising praise
tiptoe around you.
These people decide your fate.
Panic buttons wait to scream
when you reveal your true self -
staff, confidants, enemies
insist they only want to help;
smiles, gold stars, false applause
when you reach their targets.
On the other side of sliding doors
members of the elite
wait to welcome you back
with open arms;
awkward glances is how they ask
you to hide away the scars.
Float…float…rejoin a world
filled with scales, addiction,
Magazine success.
Congratulations -
you’ve no more need for my ugliness.
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freesixty reviewed Version 1 -
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A very emotive and bleak view at modern day society and working environments, that’s what I interpretted from it anyway. I especially liked the last line, it struck a chord with me. As though in this world we are never good enough.
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Noah reviewed Version 1 -
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well I rate this a 6 but only because it’sobviously not finished . There is alot of potential here tho ! It’s flow is almost there .
“Panic buttons wait to scream
when you reveal your true self
staff, confidants, enemies”
This one of the parts that’’s right “there” if you know what I mean .
“staff, confidants(and)enemies” . . . . . . . .maybe .
But it’s a very desciptive peice nonetheless . very easy to “see” into that world .
Good writing , keep it up !
TheDisturbedOne reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, I completely understand how you feel, in a way its rebelion againt the goverment but in the other hand, its also opening peoples eyes to the evils of modern day society. I like it, there is no true way to improve on it, you got it right on the dot! Keep it up!
Jadugara reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the way this poem was executed. It is such a sterile subject matter but you brought it such life in the wording and imagery and it really struck a chord emotionally. It’s cruel and yet honest and clear. It flows quite nicely and has really nice impact. Nice work.
the_girl_in_the_shadows reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good start, and your ideas are valid. I think the flow is a little bit stiff in some areas, so some minor reworking could help to smooth things out a little bit. When you make statements such as “These people decide your fate,” it is a little bit jarring to the flow of the poem—at the least, a stanza could help separate such overt statements that stand out so much from the rest of the surrounding lines. The “ugliness” to which you refer later in the poem seems a bit out of place, as you haven’t really referred to ugliness earlier, it seems random, unfocused, out of context. This could be tightened by weaving its meaning into the rest of the poem, or on the other hand you could rewrite the last line to make it something that relates more to the rest of the poem. Its up to you. Good work overall.
l.e.n.
CA reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure what it’s about (modeling?) but I do like it. The imagery is great and yes, I think it flows well. I’d like to know what fate is being decided, and if the elite are being fake when they welcome you back. Also, I’d like the ugliness at the end defined – what does it mean? Someone who gained weight, or is ugly on the inside? I assume the scars are metaphoric, maybe not???
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