Poetry / A grain or two of dust

We never want what we think we want. This is a very nice point and you do so in a very beauiful way. I really enjoyed reading this piece! I really like the end it closes it very nicely.

Very visual for me when I read through your poem. The lines “underneath lifes’ magnificent disguise” are put together in a way that made my mind smile.

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I can’t wait to read some more of you work. keep it up! Feel free to read some of mine, and comment let me know what you think! Thanks… Tanya

Try reading it aloud and I think you’ll find the places where the beat is off a little. It meanders a bit and I lost interest after awhile and I think that’s because you’ve put limits on your creativity by using rhyming. Try rewriting it without the rhymes and see how it goes.

I had a pretty good rythem going there, then it seemed like it fell apart.  It read like two different poems to me.  I liked it and enjoyed reading it but I believe you needed to stick to the rythem a little better.

I like the sentiment of this poem.  Who hasn’t experienced the ambiguity of wanting something but having that something turn out perhaps not to be what you expected.  That said, the first line needs some work.  What situation?  Why would you expect to “feel free” when you’ve committed to a relationship?  I don’t know what this means:  ”I do wish to look on others , as themselves without the influence of me .”  DOes it mean you feel as if you need to influence all of those around you?

Sorry, computer problems, will try to finish this later

I like the way this made me see a relationship between two people from the mans point of view. The thought of only good intentions but you can not change the way you feel once comitted …...trapped.

this piece had a nice flow to it! it described to just be recognized by someone to me. however, you spoke of women and a commitment to them and it seemed to me like you just lost track of what you were talking about. i think your work here is good and written well, but you seemed to me that you lost track of what you were talking about! other than that i enjoyed it. good job.

this was a very interesting piece. i liked you rhyme scheme. it was basic, but you used different words to rhyme, i mean with words like lies and disguise, you wereen’t afraid to use something bigger than just lies and guys. it wasnt exact rhyming, and thats why i liked it. i hope you know what i mean by that. im still trying to figure out the message in this poem.. which is also a good thing, cuz if your theme jumps out at you, then its not as good, if you know what im saying. now the bad stuff, i couldnt see any pattern of rhyming toward the end, it seems like you kinda just gave up, and maybe you wanted it that way, but thats the way i saw it. also, and im almost positive this is part of your pattern, but after a sentence, the punctuation mark at the end is spaced out from the sentence. anyway, good job. i liked it, it was interesting. keep writing!!

HOLY SHIT!! I know exactly how you feel, you look for someone to love you and cherish you, because all you had before was girld who don’t give a fuck. I know how you feel, I am still young but I still can relate. I really don’t see how you can improve. KEEP IT UP!