Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Love 2005 Style, Part III
Over the last 20,000 years, two facts have remained intact. 1) Men and Women are fundamentally the same. 2) We’ve managed to put a man on the moon, grow human organs in petri dishes and teach apes to speak sign language but somehow, despite solid theories, we still have not figured out the best means for attracting and engaging the opposite sex. So much for science, right?
Today, a multi-million dollar industry exists to help us try and successfully turn singles into couples. The American public is obsessed with the dating game. But despite all that human history has taught us plus the books, internet dating services, men’s and women’s magazines, talk shows, date doctors, professional match makers, best friends and busy-bodies, somehow it seems that it is actually harder than ever to turn “I” into “We.” And according to the leading experts, that is not a misconception.
In a 2003 interview with USA Today reporter Karen S. Peterson, Social historian Barbara Dafoe Whitehead described the problem as a “contemporary crisis in dating and mating.” She went on to explain, “romantic disappointment has emerged as a generational theme.” And though she has validated the sentiments of an entire generation of disgruntled daters, she still leaves us with one burning question: why?
The answer to that question may be all around us. Anthropologists to advice columnists have described the shift in romantic practices as a shift from “dating culture” to “hook-up culture” and anyone my age or older knows exactly what that means. But why did this shift occur? Most agree that the blame rests squarely within the realm of our fast-paced, technological society. It seems that our society and all its new modern nuances have nurtured a sort of dating ADD. Just as soon as we can flip from channel to channel, we flip from partner to partner, because, as we all know, if we just keep looking long enough, we can always find something better, right? Not necessarily, according to the all-knowing statistics.
A feature in the Ft. Worth Star Telegram reported some startling numbers regarding partnership provided by statisticians, John D. McGervey and Bill Sones. Based on the 80/20 principle, they assumed that 80% of people are “good guys,” meaning they are great relationship material and have what it takes to make a long-term commitment succeed. The remaining 20% of the population is made up of people that wouldn’t be able to make a long-term relationship work if their lives depended on it, or “slimes.” If we take a group of 200 people made up of 80% good guys and 20% slimes and randomly formed 100 couples, 64 of those couples would be between two good guys and succeed. The remaining couples would fail, as one or both of the partners would be slimes. The failure rate for this first round of couples would be an optimistic 36%. However, if we take the individuals from all the failed relationships in that sample and re-pair them, the failure rate in this second round is a startling 80%. Between the two rounds, the overall failure rate climbs to a dismal 58%. And though the neatness of these statistics is rarely played out in real life, it may prove an even harsher reality. According to those statistics, after initial pairing, a majority of the best partners are already taken.
So, to sum up the data into the most digestible terms: Yes, all of you pessimists are right. It is harder that it’s ever been to be single. And if you’re over 26 (the average age of first marriage), most of the good ones are taken. And as Pat Benetar said more than 20 years ago, “Love is a Battlefield” and the number of casualties is rising every day. That being said, how do we find the strength to get up every morning and head back out to the front lines when we’re already shell-shocked and battle-weary? The answer is hope. It’s the hope that one day, despite the data and despite the odds, we’re gonna find that one person that will have made the fighting, wounds and scars all worth while.
Love will never be easy. We don’t need social historians and statisticians to tell us a simple truth that we inherently know. The reason that it will never be easy is that, despite all that science, technology and media can do for us, love will never be perfect. But hope is what makes us believe that it can be.
Hope is what heals the wounds and causes the scars to fade. And as the years pass and wisdom begins to spread a calm over the riotous whims of giddy youth, we begin to realize what we are really fighting for every day of our lives. The real battle isn’t for love. The battle is to keep reaching for love without losing hope. Once hope is gone, it’s gone forever. And without hope, love is just another word we teach apes to sign.
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Great use of statistics but this line “according to the all-knowing statistics.” seems sarcastic.
Well good job explaining the love problem numerically. This blog could well be used as a start for a magazine article.
I see no editing issues. It’s a solid piece of writing.
Thanks for allowing me to review your work.
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Other than at first you have some sentences this is a great piece. Though dishearting being that I too am single and hopeing The 80/20 was new to me but real life has shown me that that sounds right. And those fail rates. My 2nd marriage proves that correct too. Needless to say I’m looking for hope. Thanks for a great read.
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