urbis seems to have formatting problems recently. It shows the right format whenever I saved and viewed it. This is the first I’ve seen it in paragraph form. Strange.
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Poetry / Ode to Sloth
I’ve spent too many hours of the day
Waiting for the night to slip its silent veil
So I may sneak, loud and restless, away
Into the comfort of my couch and sail
On waves of mindless fantasy, desire
Slipped like women’s arms into silky sleeves
Of my clothes. I admit the weight of age
Has collapsed, like houses in rampant fire,
My body. The ambition of my youth leaves
And leaves me nothing in its wake.
The drinking starts to numb the scattered thoughts
Of what should be done, where I am now,
What morals and accomplishments ought
To be finished. Now, I’m left without
The will to stand up, the pavement’s slow
And creeping gray reaches through my head
As I fall into oblivion, kind repose, dreams
Of screaming wind, the weight of earth and stone
Laying on me, a toppled statue of lead
Blazing into gold. My lover leaves, weeping.
I do nothing much. The sky is heavy
And leaning over me, raining in the trees
Outside my window. The sun drifts, setting,
Below the closing lids of the earth. See
The way the fire turns into purple ash
like snow piling on night’s pointed tongue?
I give up, I haven’t bathed in days
And debtors are banging on my door. The last
Time I tried to slip them a poem, guns
Were threatened. Waking always comes in mazes.
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mvminer reviewed Version 1 -
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This was pretty interesting. I liked it. Especially the ending. The idea of slipping debt collectors poems IS a fantastic one. The opening stanza gets my attention, which wavers a little in the second and comes back in the last with MORE concrete details.
I’m STILL not sure about the “weight of age” line. I kinda like it the way it is, awkward as it’s set up, I know instances where that’s a good thing, I just can’t figure out if that’s the case here. But I think it probably would be best if it was more put together, maybe flipped around like “I admit, my body, with the weight/of age has collapsed, like A house (why houses?) in rampant fire” or totally different and go somethin like “I admit age has collapse my body, like a house of rampant fire”?? I don’t know, just think it could be delivered a little better. It does sound pretty cool.
Thanks for the read.
M.
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tia_logic reviewed Version 1 -
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I do like this. I am a personal supporter of sloth. GO SLOTH!
“Sneak loud and restless” I’ve never snuck loudly. I’ve tried to sneak and been loud, but that’s not the same. Not the same at all.
The first stanza is primarily one sentence.. i think it’s too many thoughts for one.
I like the image of the womens arms, silky sleeves, but I don’t know that it works there. pretty, yes yes very much so, but.. I don’t know. it stops me, I have to read it over.
Anyway, nice.
Love, love.
Jim_Halisstrad reviewed Version 1 -
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The level of description in this poem makes it easy to get clear and vivid imagery. This is especially true of the second stanza, it was by far my favorite section.
If a publisher doesn’t contact you there is something wrong with society.
whitey reviewed Version 1 -
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i liked the visual descriptions implied in this poem and enjoyed the sense that it seemed like i was reading some of jim morrison’s poetry, this truly was an ode to sloth, i really think the only problem i had that really vastly hindered the experience was it wasn’t broken up into seperate lines and didn’t flow very well in the paragraph format.
whitey
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