Short Story / Life Without Breathing

Her eyes were the unfathomable darkness that hides her pain deeply in vaulted secrecy where the naked eye could never find it. She carried the lock around her heart for safe keeping. It wasn’t so much about keeping others out, as much as it was about keeping it in.

It’s like that with those who’ve been hurt so deeply. They react in two different ways. They could either unleash it at random onto unsuspecting innocents creating more pain and destruction, or keep it locked up tightly inside of themselves, so as not to cause anymore pain or harm to those around them.

She falls within the second category. She has had a lifetime learning how to deal with her own pain, but is unable to deal with the pain of those who have slipped past her guard and made it to the part of her heart which is still some how accessible.

Sometimes, for no reason, she is overcome with such sadness it feels as if her heart would break. She thinks about those she loves, and wonders what would become of them if she was no longer with them. They would move on, time is a natural buffer. But would she leave a hole in their hearts that would never heal? Would it ever bring them to their knees in anguish as hers does her? In the years to come would they look back at her with sadness, kindness, or anger at her for taking them with her?

She wonders how long she can continue on as a shell of a person. She sometimes tries to fill the shell with the activity of life to throw off the scent, hoping the darkness will lose her in the crowd. It always finds her again. She has tried to alter her mind, hoping to mix up her mental frequency. But it doesn’t last. Whatever relief she can get is always short lived.

Those closest to her know something is wrong sometimes. But they would just scratch the surface and name it words of their own making. It was rarely in her words. And when they were, it was so brief and fleeting, they would move on without realizing it. If they had just taken another moment to focus on her exclusively, the way she tried to focus on things outside of herself ….. but their own insecurities and guilt would surface and the moment would pass. This only added to her pain and loneliness.

Sometimes, this would trigger such great sorrow within her, she would again start to wonder how they would do if she were no longer with them. But she knew what it was like to live a life without breathing. And so she stayed, on the off chance she would be the one to stop another’s life, and create the deep pain for some one else, that has crippled her own.

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