It is missing emotion for I had none at the time, only curiosity and hopeful disposition. Feelings at the time is asking a lot for the real feelings were always masked and now I see it is still affecting my writing style so I am going to work on that. Thank you for the review.
Non-fiction / European Descent
Traveling the world is one of the best adventures that a person can embark on because it brings new adventures, chances and meetings. I had traveled before going to Europe. After graduating high school, my parents took me to Korea, I should say back to Korea, since I was born there before my adoption to the States. We had gone to Japan and Korea and after stopped through Hawaii on the way home. It was a jet-setting and bittersweet time for I was a tourist in my own homeland. I had returned to a land that I no longer knew or even felt part of. I had felt Americanized as I strolled through the city of Seoul and the countryside. My American childhood would eventually bring me back in spirit to this foreign land I was born to. In 1987, I was unable to call Korea my home even if it was a graduation present with all the best intentions. .
The following year, I attended the local city college that was a 45 minute drive each way, every day of the week for the next two years. My parents did not want me to leave home and their guilty compensation was that they allowed me to attend a study abroad program for a month to Mexico. After that summer, I came back with hopes that they would let me move closer to school, but that wasn’t in the cards at the time. The idea was squashed like a melon getting run over by a car. I was denied access to my heart, so it seemed. Eventually, after spending two years at home, diligent in attending school and finding a creative niche in art, they agreed on sending me to Europe on the study abroad program for art. It was a three month program and the longest I would ever have been from home. I was excited and nervous to go but knew it would be another chance to see the world and live a different life than the one I had been living at home.
It was September of 1989. I remember attending the meeting for people who intended to make the trip to Europe. The trip was designed for art students with the basics in drawing and art appreciation and I was quick to learn that artists were an eclectic bunch.. As I entered the room, I had a quiet demeanor and was quite shy and didn’t think I stood out, which was good for I had worked hard at not standing out and I had gotten a glimpse of the faces I was going to spend a good three months with. At the time no one in particular stood out as I prepared for my time away from home and hoped the feeling was mutual. We left from LAX and headed to London, England. The itinerary was one week in London, two weeks in Florence, Italy and two months in Paris, France.
In the months that lay ahead, a new feeling of depth had begun to reach me. In art, I was explorative and used the creative engine to fuel my need to create. The attributes and strengths of my fellow students only encouraged me to make a name for myself and to bring vision to the dark crevices of my mind. The first scene to play out was the plane trip. It was comical, the drunkenness had begun with everyone screaming and overjoyed as we began a new adventure to prestigious Europe and I’m not sure if I had ordered a drink as well, but I had toasted the trip in my heart. I was just as ready as everyone else in their drunken stupor. The plane ride was a long trip but I had learned about patience and that was exactly how I felt.
We had arrived at night in London and our accommodations were dorm rooms at a nearby University. We were to pair up and share a room. I had met a few girls and through the weeding of people I had chosen a roommate, her name was Nicole. As I made my quick assessment, I saw a quirky girl that was sweet and safe and I knew we would get along just fine. She was into the retro look and had dark brown hair and wore bright red lipstick, that reminded me of women from the fifties. She was an avid smoker and that was a definite plus for me, since I just started the nasty habit myself.
The dormitories had spiral staircases that separated the floors and we loudly made our presence, luckily we were the only ones occupying the building. As everyone scrambled to find their rooms and roommates the excitement was overwhelming. I had decided to take it easy and chill out in the dorm with a pack of cigarettes and the window open, so I could take in the London air. The night was foggy but you could see the silhouettes of the rooftops and the atmosphere of new territory permeated the whole view from my window. Others had decided to go out and word got around that the famous Carnival was that night. I had not the energy to fight a crowd of people and didn’t really know about the annual Caribbean festival that was going on so my roommate and I opted to stay in.
Classes were to start the next day and I knew we had a big agenda for our week in London and I was looking forward to it….tomorrow.
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jfmalewitz reviewed Version 1 -
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Hi,
I am a journalist and non-fiction writer, so I will bring in that experience.
My first question, is this a journalism piece? Let me offer an example.
“Traveling the world is one of the best adventures that a person can embark on because it brings new adventures, chances and meetings.” Chances and meetings doesn’t need a commma if it is journalism, and should if it is a regular non-fiction piece. In my non-journalism pieces, in other words non-fiction and fiction, I always put a comma there. That depends on what rules you are following however, so don’t change it on my account.
The opening paragraph will always need a good lead or hook. I think you could improve upon yours. A “This was the best of times, this was the worst of times” isn’t needed, but try to capture your reader early. This is the hardest part of the article accept the ending.
” After graduating high school, my parents took me to Korea, I should say back to Korea, since I was born there before my adoption to the States.” This feels like a run-one sentence. You could put a period after the first Korea. So it would be: After graduating high school, my parents took me to Korea. I should say back to Korea since I was born there.”
” I was denied access to my heart, so it seemed.” Here, you could say “It seemed I was denied access to my heart.
Try to avoid passive verbs when you can. You probably already know this, but passive words are like “is” and “was.”
” The trip was designed for art students with the basics in drawing and art appreciation and I was quick to learn that artists were an eclectic bunch.” You have two WAS here. The sentence is also long, but that could go either way.
“It was comical, the drunkenness had begun with everyone screaming and overjoyed as we began a new adventure to prestigious Europe and I’m not sure if I had ordered a drink as well, but I had toasted the trip in my heart. ”
—Another long sentence here. You could say “It was comical: the drunkeness had begun withe very screaming and overjoyed. We had begun a new adventure to…
That looks like a lot of work, but I just went over the basics. The main thing to avoid is the excessively long sentences, too much use of passive verbs, and the run-ons. Hope some of this helped. Thanks for letting me read your piece.
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campb26593 reviewed Version 1 -
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This piece has a very positive tone and you use some good descriptors in the way your experiences settled in your mind. But the writing style needs some work. Here are a couple of recommendations.
Almost every sentence in this piece contains a conjugation of the verb “to be” (is, was, were, etc.). Tighten your prose by revising it to remove some of the occurrences. For example: “Traveling the world is one of the best adventures that a person can embark on because it brings new adventures, chances and meetings” might be rewritten as “New adventures, opportunities, and chance meetings unfold exclusively to the courageous world traveler.”
The word “had” is also overused.
This piece might be better if it acknowledged the limitations of travel. Ralph Waldo Emerson is quoted: “Traveling is a fool’s paradise… I pack my trunk, embrace my friends, embark on the sea and at last wake up in Naples, and there besides me is the stern fact, the sad self, unrelenting, identical, that I fled from.”
He hope that some part of my humble suggestions are of assistance to you.
escobarl reviewed Version 1 -
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First I would like to say you have a good base for what cold be a great adventure, with that said, there needs to be more of a description on what is going ,it seems rushed and it makes it sounds like you dont really want to tell a story. Each paragrpah could be a longer since there are a lot of items missing in between.
stacyrees reviewed Version 1 -
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Your notes said that you were trying to show and not tell, and since I am good at showing but bad and telling, I will offer a couple of suggestions.
The joy of setting out on an adventure is felt along with you, good job with that. I got the feeling that your class or trip group were more extroverted than you, but you were coming out of your shell by their exuberance and enjoying it. (this is a little disjointed, sorry.)
To illustrate this more, maybe you could include an interaction with one or two of your fellow travelers, maybe something more personal with Nicole? A quote from one of the drunks or a meaningful dialogue between you and your roomate, something to bring the personal sense of freedom and new experience.
“It was comical, the drunkenness had begun with everyone screaming and overjoyed as we began a new adventure to prestigious Europe and I’m not sure if I had ordered a drink as well, but I had toasted the trip in my heart. I was just as ready as everyone else in their drunken stupor.”
Instead of saying, it was comical, this scene, you could describe the scene, what they were drinking, funny things they said, and then a thought you had to cement the fact that even though you weren’t drinking (maybe), you were with them in spirit. That would be showing and not telling.
Just an example. This sounds like a great trip and a good story. Good job.
Idrequired reviewed Version 1 -
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First off I would like to say that you are talented and are extremely lucky to have the ability to travel and write about your adventures.
What you write about is interesting but seems to be missing emotion. You might what to add some of your feelings on what it was like to go to these different places. I did like the way you wrote this paragraph “It was September of 1989” I like the way you write I just feel it needs more feeling.
Deanne reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you can safely add another 1,500 words so pick which part you want to bring us along with you on- the flight home from Korea? Your stroll through Seoul, where you show don’t tell how alien you felt, what made you feel you weren’t “home”? Your homelife, which you want to escape for more experiences?
The plane trip- instead of saying it was comical, show it in a scene?
This might not be a show don’t tell- it seems more like non-fiction, an essay if you work on it. That kind of writing can have “I’m not sure if I’d ordered a drink as well”; you are telling of a past experience, using “we had arrived” “we were to pair up”, instead of “we arrived” “we paired up”. That kind of talk is fine in an essay. The trip would not be the topic but something like, The Reach of American Culture, anything wherein your trip to Europe could be conveyed , but then you base a notion on your observations as a world traveler. That’s your theme.
For me your last few paragraphs were of great interest as my very shy quiet daughter in college is flying to Japan the end of May to attend a Kyoto University a month and you made me see some of what might go on- why someone might pick her as a roommate, etc.
If you really want it to be a story , not a memoir or non-fiction piece, your last two paras are the way you need to do the whole story. But since the trips to Mexico and Korea were backstory, I don’t see where you really have to show not tell those. From here on out, write like you did at the end. That should get you where you want. What it means is, instead of saying, he was angry, you say, he clenched his fists and scowled.
I think you’ll get it . It’s interesting but seriously we are all curious why Korea was so foreign; I mean, we get it, but your describing it would be even better. Good luck!
evoloution reviewed Version 1 -
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Hello there.
I think you are doing ok at not showing too much. However be careful of sentences such as; “My American childhood would eventually bring me back…” as this does pre-empt the future so it assumes a narrative voice which is all-knowing. Though this does show the way of the protagonist, it seems a little diadactic and authoritative. Perhaps avoid the pronoun. In fact the whole sentence is unnecessary. Try reading aloud and not filling the introduction with too much information i.e places like Seoul or Korea. Let the audience adjust to the piece and your writing style first.
I’m not too sure if this is intended as a novel or magazine article but I think it reads a novel treatment. Are you sure yourself of what you want the form to be yet?
Also some questions; Is the protagonist adopted in to a paternity or do you mean to a new country (United States)? And is the protagonist a woman or a man?
Either way I do find this intriguing and i would like to read more. I think it needs editing and a decision needs to be made on form, then you will have a clear piece that seems as though it will offer a journey of self-exploration as well as world exploration.
Good luck.
CG.
AndreParent reviewed Version 1 -
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This is not very strong writing. You need to refine this a lot. The begining does not draw the reader in. It is sort of bland, kind of blah. It starts, goes for a few minutes and ends.
There are good parts:
‘The night was foggy but you could see the silhouettes of the rooftops and the atmosphere of new territory permeated the whole view from my window.’
Find the writer that made that sentence and you will have a better piece.
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