Middle school grades is YA. YA is defined as ages 13 to 18. How would you go about improving my sentence structure?
Young Adult / Shy-N-Bold
Because she walked around with her nose in the air, and because she seldom spoke to anyone in the school, many of her classmates thought she was stuck up. She was not one of the popular girls, and was even a bit mousy; maybe dumpy would be a good description, but none of the people who thought this about her had ever seen her dressed up. She always wore jeans and a sweatshirt, and even on the hottest days she at least wore an oversized T-shirt. Her shoes were always the same pair of approved-for-gym sneakers, and her hair was always done in a pony-tail. She never wore makeup to school and was most often seen reading alone at lunches and between classes. She had no friends, so everybody thought she was stuck up because her father was the mayor, or because her mother was considered the most beautiful woman in town, but most people at her school didn’t think about these things, they just thought she was stuck up, if they thought about her at all.
Her nose was always up in the air because she had a lousy optician; her glasses would fall down on her nose and she had to lift it up high to see through the lenses. She never spoke to anyone because she was very shy. She was actually afraid of any interaction with others because she knew people did not like her, though she never asked anyone why. And so at lunch she would sit alone and bury her face in a book. This prevented the unacceptable accident of eye contact with a faculty member, or worse, another student, from occurring. She could keep her fears secret if she never had to confront them. Her mother was always buying her cute shoes and clothes, but she wouldn’t wear them. She never dressed up or wore makeup because she was afraid of being noticed, and she always tried to stay as unobtrusive as possible. If nobody ever notices you, you never have to talk to anyone.
So it was that one cold, wet November afternoon she was found sitting under a soggy elm tree, not eating her soggy lunch and reading her soggy novel. This was not new to most of her classmates, but one, a hyperactive nerd who had just moved into town, saw this soggy sight and asked one of his nerdy new friends “Hey Paul, who is that wet girl over there?”
“That is the most stuck-up person on the face of the earth,” Paul told him. “Her old man is the Mayor; her old lady is, I don’t know, the queen of the debutantes or something. She won’t talk to you unless you’re richer than her dad, or prettier than her mother. Nobody in this town is, so she doesn’t talk to anyone,” Then he added, “It doesn’t matter anyway. Nobody notices her, not even the teachers, mostly. And anyway, who would want to?” Paul was usually a reliable source, so the new boy said nothing, but he watched her out of the corner of his eye. He noticed that she was reading a book by Ursula K. Le Guin, one of his favorite authors. He also noticed that she kept pushing her glasses up, and, as the lunch period progressed, she seemed to melt down into her sweatshirt even more, becoming less like a person and more like a chameleon, as though she wanted to disappear. This is not the behavior of one who is stuck up, he thought.
Finally the bell rang, warning that class was about to start, so the girl put her book away, walked over to the garbage can and threw an almost full brown bag away, then she headed to class. It was not hard to follow her because she was going toward his class, and as he watched her walk, nose high in the air, he noticed the way her body moved beneath her oversized clothes. He was a very observant young man and he was beginning to wonder about the information his friend had given him. Apparently Paul had never taken the time to give her a second glance, because after that first glance things very quickly got better. He was surprised when she walked into his next class and went to sit in the back. Once she was seated, however, he recognized the unrecognizable lump that she immediately became and then he knew who she was. She was in the same seat, in the same unrecognizable form in three of his classes, and he had always thought her to be one of the Special Ed students that had to attend regular classes even if they couldn’t keep up. She never spoke in class, even when called on, but to be reading Le Guin was to be way NOT a Special Ed student, so the enigma increased for him. Learning about who she was and what secrets she was hiding would be a challenge, and he would be glad to have the distraction from his regular school work. School was so boring for him anyway; it would be good to have a challenge for a change.
As she sat under the tree she could feel his eyes. When eyes stare long enough at a person they begin to create pressure, and even the least perceptive person will notice. She wanted to look up to see who was watching her, but she knew this would lead to eye contact, and this must never be. She hunkered down inside her damp sweatshirt even more, if this was possible, and tried to be more lump looking, hoping that whoever was watching her would lose interest. This didn’t seem to work, however, since the eyes continued to bore holes through her walls. She was reading, but couldn’t concentrate, which was scary in itself; this was a great book and she was at the exciting part. Try as she might, she could not get whatever that last paragraph was about, even when her glasses were where they were supposed to be, but if she put her book away she was sure to look up and meet the eyes that would not leave her alone. So she just kept staring at her book, hoping the eyes would go away.
Finally the bell rang, warning that class was about to start, so she put her book away, threw away the lunch her mother always made but she never ate, and went to class, tipping her head back so she could see through her glasses. It helped to push them up, but only for two or three steps, then they would fall back down. Besides, she had all these books to carry plus her purse, so her hands were full. As she walked she could feel the eyes still drilling through her back. So, when she walked into class and sat at her desk, she dared to watch the people coming in, hoping not to make eye contact as she settled into her usual lumpy attitude at her usual unobtrusively located desk. Suddenly the new guy walked in, and as she flicked her eyes away, she saw that he was watching her. Whew. No eye contact, he probably didn’t even notice that she saw him. He was kinda cute, taller than most of the guys at this school, also wearing glasses. His hair was blonde, and though she couldn’t see his eye color, she could see they dominated his face. Just like everyone else, though, he wouldn’t like her either. She wondered: why he was watching her? She thought of all the mean things he could be thinking about her, and hoped he was not going to pull some trick on her to get in good with the other guys here. She wished, too, that she had even one friend she could confide in, someone who could go talk to him about his intentions so she would be prepared when he did the awful things he must be planning. He sat in the front and she watched him closely throughout the class, hoping to get a clue as to what he was going to do, or why he was staring at her.
He was very smart. Not as smart as she was, but he wasn’t afraid to speak up and get involved in the discussion. His hand was always up and he wasn’t afraid to speak even when he wasn’t sure if he was right. He seemed very nice, if a little nerdy; when others were wrong he would congratulate them on their efforts, and even the teacher enjoyed this boy’s participation. She learned, as class progressed, what his name was, and she wrote it, Rudy, on the inside of her notebook cover so she could remember it. He didn’t seem like the kind of guy that would sneak up on a poor defenseless girl and pull some kind of trick. He also didn’t seem too worried about what others thought about him. Not at all the kind of guy that would need to hurt someone for the sake of impressing new friends. She began to wonder why he was staring at her during lunch. She looked at his name on the inside of her notebook cover, and taking out a green felt tip pen, she wrote it again, this time in a more bold font. RUDY. She thought it looked fine there, and then she wrote her own name, in red, right under it. She was not thinking about the class discussion now and suddenly the teacher called on her. Oh well, her usual response would do here too, as she quickly closed her notebook so nobody would see, she melted into her oversize sweatshirt, shaking her head and avoiding eye contact with the teacher and other students, so mad at herself for never having the guts to get involved in the discussion.
Rudy turned to look at the girl the teacher had just called on. She slammed her notebook shut as if she were hiding something awful, and looked angry that the instructor would dare to call on her. But she didn’t stare the teacher down; in fact she studiously avoided looking at anyone. This didn’t seem quite right for stuck-up anger, unless her anger were not with the teacher? Who then? This intrigued Rudy further and he wrote on the last page of his notebook, “Her name is Judy. She is prettier than she wants anyone to notice and has some issue with being called on in class. What is her secret? I bet she has beautiful eyes, but I can’t get a good look.” And so his log began. He waited until class was over, then he followed her and wrote about the days discoveries.
In each class and at every opportunity Rudy would watch this enigma, hoping to find the answers he sought. Each day and everywhere she went she could feel his eyes drilling holes in her walls, and prying at her secrets. His new friends would make fun of him for this, but he didn’t care. He never showed his log to anyone, but he poured over it at night trying to link the clues to the stories he heard about her. The harder he tried, the more he learned, the less those stories made sense. One thing that puzzled him even more was that when they were in classes together, he could feel her eyes on his back, boring into his soul as if she were trying to learn his secrets. Of course he didn’t think he had any, except that he was trying to find out about her.
She just knew he couldn’t stand her, and couldn’t understand why the inside of the cover of her notebook, and eventually the back cover and several pages, was covered with his name. She watched him in class, they shared three, and the more she knew about him, the less it made sense that he was planning something mean. She could feel him watching her, stalking her around the school, but would never look at him except when they were in class. She always sat in the back and he always sat in the front, so it was easy for her to watch him without being caught.
He wished that just once she would look up during lunch so that he could see her eyes, but she never did. Finally, on another soggy day just before Christmas vacation, under the soggy elm he interrupted her soggy book. “Ann McCaffrey, huh? One of my favorite authors. I read that one last summer, how far are you into it?” he asked, nodding at her book.
She turned around so her back was to him, afraid to be discovered and not sure how to answer this cute guy who was always watching her. Was it about her books?
He was not one to be deterred, however, and even though this confirmed what he had heard about her from Paul the first time he had seen her, he walked around to stand in front of her again, and squatted down to be on her level. “I like the part where she gets impressed by the Queen, even though she is just a scullery maid” he pressed further, hoping she had read beyond that part and he was not ruining the book for her.
She glanced at his feet, noticing that his hands were hanging down between his knees holding his notebook. It can’t be comfortable to squat for long in that position, she thought, but aloud, though not very loud, she said “Um, yeah.”
Encouraged, he pressed on “Do you get how the Dragons work yet?”
“Um,” so quietly he had to lean in to hear her “I’ve read this series before, like twice.”
“So I won’t ruin it for you if I talk about it.”
“Not really.” Almost inaudible now.
“You know, you have a really pretty voice. I’ve never heard it before now. Do you mind if I ask why? I mean, um, well, you know, if that’s too personal a question I’ll understand.”
Nobody had ever said anything nice about her; this was cool, if a little weird. “No, it’s, it’s alright.” A little louder now, “I, I just don’t talk very much.” She couldn’t believe she was talking now.
“Yeah, I heard. I didn’t believe it though. I couldn’t see how you could possibly be like they said.”
“Who said?” Quiet again, “What did they say?” Not wanting the answer, dreading it, but knowing that he would be bold enough to tell her anyway.
“Oh, just some crap about how you think you’re too good for everyone else, you know, just because your Dad’s the Mayor and your Mom’s so pretty. I heard you wouldn’t talk to me unless I was richer than you.”
“I always hated being richer than, like, everyone else. It’s like they expect me to be someone I can’t be. Even the teachers. So I just stopped talking to everyone.” She was forgetting that she didn’t like to talk to people now, and her voice was becoming more normal. Rudy was easy to talk to, and kind too. He wasn’t judging her based on anything he heard about her, or anything others said. He was actually trying to get to know her. That reminded her of something, “Why have you been watching me for, like, a month?”
“I heard the rumors about you, but I wanted to see for myself. It’s been a little hard to talk to you because you never look at me. Even when I stare straight at you for hours you won’t look at me. I’ve been waiting for an excuse to come over and talk to you. Vacation is coming and I can’t wait for an excuse anymore. I really want to get to know you better.”
Wow. This guy likes her. Or seems to. What if he is just being nice to get under her skin, and then drop her like a hot potato? That would be a mean trick. But no. Everything she had learned by watching him in class said that was not how he was. She decided to take a chance, one she knew she would regret for the rest of her life. She also knew that if she didn’t, she would regret that more. So, slowly, carefully, trying hard not to break through her carefully constructed wall, she lifted her eyes. There was his knee, his thigh, his belt, now his T-shirt, this gave her an excuse to pause and read it, delaying the inevitable. Somehow he sensed that this was a defining moment in her life, or at least that she was struggling in some way, and he waited. Quietly. Patiently. His shirt said “One out of four people are insane. I have three buddies that all seem alright, so I must be the One.” She giggled, breaking the tension a little, took a half a deep breath and glanced up quickly.
Oh.
His eyes were soft and kind, just like he acted in class. They were hazel and flecked with brown, and green, and something else? Was it happiness? Or was it mirth? Was he laughing at her? Surely not. In fact his next words stunned her “I just knew I could get lost in your eyes. Thank you.”
She finished her deep breath, and let it out. Then she smiled, and seeing it, so did he. He opened his notebook and showed her where he had written JUDY-N-RUDY on the inside cover, about a hundred times, in red and green. She was so scared, and yet she knew that he would not try to hurt her now. She patted the ground beside her and putting her head down, but not taking her eyes off of his she said “I’m at the part where M’Nementh and F’lar are checking out the southern continent. Why do you think she uses such weird names?”
He sat, leaning against the tree, glad to get out of that squatting position, and said “Well, you know, because it is set in such a different kind of world it wouldn’t make sense to do things the same way we do now.”
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misunderstood reviewed Version 1 -
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It was great!!! I loved the piece. You used a couple of phrases twice though!Like ’ the bell rang, warning that class was about to start.’ It’s just a personal thing but I dont like when the same phrase is used twice so close together to a piece that I can pick up on it.
Excelllent thought, I definatly, buy it!!
Post the rest.
And keep writing.
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wildbluefaerie reviewed Version 1 -
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My first suggestion is this – you begin with a long description of your mc’s character and looks. One paragraph you can probably get away with, but after that you’re going to lose your reader. It’s much better to start with action, and to show the reader all these details about the character by how she interacts with other people, how to reacts to events, etc. It’s always better to show rather than tell. When writing a story, it’s never a good idea to sit down and write long explanations – it’s just not as interesting. Which you rather read, a description of how shy she was, or something like: “She quickly dropped her eyes as she passed a group of girls in chic miniskirts, hurrying past them into the cafeteria. She sat down at the end of an empty table and pulled a book from her bag.” You get the same information across, but the second method is more interesting for the reader.
“So it was that one cold, wet November afternoon she was found sitting under a soggy elm tree, not eating her soggy lunch and reading her soggy novel.” See here, as soon as you start the narrative, I perk up and start getting interested. I love the phrase about the soggy novel…. that’s great. You could probably scratch the entire opening, and start here, then introduce all that information throughout the rest of it. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s okay to state plainly that she shy, or like you do that “this was not new to most of her classmates.” Just, as a general rule, try to show and not tell.
“a hyperactive nerd who had just moved into town, saw this soggy sight and asked one of his nerdy new friends.” It was amusing the first time you repeated soggy – I think it’s a bit much the second time, and when you repeat “nerdy.” It just doesn’t have the same effect.
“becoming less like a person and more like a chameleon” yes! I love that…
“Finally the bell rang, warning that class was about to start, so she put her book away.” I like how you used the same phrase in the parallel scene. It works well.
“She wondered: why he was watching her?” That’s a big awkward – try simplifying a bit to: “She wondered why he was watching her.”
Judy and Rudy…. did you do that on purpose? It’s kind of amusing…. it depends on what mood you’re going for. The rhyming names give it a bit of a comical mood – if that’s not what you’re going for, I’d suggest changing it.
“Each day and everywhere she went she could feel his eyes drilling holes in her walls, and prying at her secrets. His new friends would make fun of him for this, but he didn’t care.” You switched POV here – from Rudy to Judy and back again. POV shifting is very easy to slip into, you have to watch for it…. Actually, you could just delete that sentence and it would flow fine: “In each class and at every opportunity Rudy would watch this enigma, hoping to find the answers he sought. His new friends would make fun of him for this, but he didn’t care.”
You do it again here: “Nobody had ever said anything nice about her; this was cool, if a little weird. “No, it’s, it’s alright.” A little louder now, “I, I just don’t talk very much.” She couldn’t believe she was talking now.” That’s from her POV, and you started with his. Sometimes well-established authors can get away with POV shifting, but usually it’s a good idea to avoid it at all costs. Maybe start a new section here? That’s plausible… Just put in a section break right before that sentence.
I like the paragraph when she raises her eyes to meet his. She’s just looking at him, but you managed to make it seem like a colossal event – which it is, for her. Good job.
Overall, well done. You have some minor punctuation and grammar errors, but I’m sure you can root them out without too much difficultly, they seem like typos more than anything else (that is, you don’t have mistakes everywhere, so I know you know how to do it properly). I think you could definitely expand this work. It works how it is, with her finally opening up, and what is obviously the beginning of a relationship, but you could easily expand it as well, go on to show how this new relationship helps her become more confident in herself, etc. I look forward to seeing more.
GVaughn reviewed Version 1 -
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Seems like a good idea for a story. Sentence structure can be improved. Reads more for middle school grades than YA. The word stuck up was repeated too often. With improvements. this could be a good story.
HermiG reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the dialogue. It’s very straight forward and realistic!
I stopped up after this, though, as I didn’t get what you’re trying to say here.
” Nobody had ever said anything nice about her; this was cool, if a little weird. “No, it’s, it’s alright.” A little louder now, “I, I just don’t talk very much.” She couldn’t believe she was talking now.
“Yeah, I heard. I didn’t believe it though. I couldn’t see how you could possibly be like they said.”
Also, this could be worked on some more. Try to vary your words (/remove some of them, I don’t think all of them are necessarie):
“I heard the rumors about you, but I wanted to see for myself. It’s been a little hard to talk to you because you never look at me. Even when I stare straight at you for hours you won’t look at me. I’ve been waiting for an excuse to come over and talk to you. Vacation is coming and I can’t wait for an excuse anymore. I really want to get to know you better.”
What didn’t he believe? That she doesn’t talk a lot?
“As she sat under the tree she could feel his eyes. When eyes stare long enough at a person they begin to create pressure, and even the least perceptive person will notice. She wanted to look up to see who was watching her, but she knew this would lead to eye contact, and this must never be.”
How does she know who the watcher is a “he” when she hasn’t taken her eyes off the book a single moment? Tiny details like this may make the reader not believe your story, so be sure to make them right.
As for the characters, I liked them too! You give reasons for Judy’s behaviour, while Rudy seems like a nice guy. Perhaps a little too nice, though? If you decide to write more about these, giving a couple of weaknesses/flaws would be a good idea. Perhaps he has a bad temper?
The thing I was missing the most in this story, though, was a turning point. From the start of the arrows seemed to be pointed in one direction, and it ended up exactly where I thought it would. While it was a very cute story, it was almost too perfect. In the long run, I would get bored. A surprising element is the best tool you have when writing!
traininvain reviewed Version 1 -
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First off: From the first sentence on, you should throw in a name. You introduce the character and paint her from the beginning, but I want a name to attach her to.
Secondly: It takes too long to get to the action of the story—the first section is nothing but backstory. It’s cleverly written backstory, but to grab the reader, you should cut that out and start with her sitting under the tree. Having the one boy talking about her gives a better woven backstory than the beginning (though of course, one-sided).
I like the interaction between her and Rudy. As far as characterization goes, at some points I questioned the language used—does a teen really use the word “mirth”? It seemed a little off at points for her to swing from using proper language to slang like “kinda” and “cool” and etc.
I really like the voice for this piece—it’s lofty and clever and reminds me a little of something like Harriet the Spy, really.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, the main problem I see with this piece is you Tell, not Show. In non-fiction, Tell is important, but in fiction Show is important. It needs to feel like an engrossing, immersing story, not like a play-by-play newscast (she never spoke, she had no friends, they thought she was stuckup). All of this is telling. Show us these things. ’At lunch she sat alone. The seats she chose in class were far from the other students. Extra-curricular activities soldiered on without her presence.’ All of that would indicate she had no friends, but you let the reader intuit it.
That being said, the characters are lovely in their longing, and the promised interaction between the two is built upon heavily as you string the sequences of staring and doodling together. I wasn’t disappointed with their final reaction, at all.
The beginning dialogue reads more like you want to convey information instead of flowing like normal conversation. I’d be happy to help you with that, if you like. In the first paragraph, you really fixate on her being stuck-up, so much so that it almost turned me off from reading the rest of the piece. The hint at something great, however, pushed me to continue, and I’m happy I did so. Rudy seems like the all-around nice guy who can change anyones opinion with his wit and kindness, making him a perfect person to entice her out of her self-imposed shell.
Judy is a quiet, scared creature with the promise of a beautifully budding personality. I would love to see where this goes.
carolarocks reviewed Version 1 -
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Basically all you do tell. You have got to break free from that and start showing. Don’t tell me how everyone thought she was stuck up, show me. Instead of telling me why she actually had her nose up, show me.
Also, you introduce us to the girl from someone else general point of view, and suddenly we’re inside the girl’s head, next thing we know we’re being jerked into a stranger’s head. It confusing.
I think your beginning could more captivation. Something that will draw me into your story.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it’s a good young adult story..it’s the typical boy likes girl story. I know this my sound odd, but my favorite part is how you described the way he was squatting. Pointing out how he was holding the notebook made me picture that whole scene in my head. It drew me in enough to make me go Awww inside when he revealed their names in the notebook. Over good young adult story that teaches them to dont judge a book by it;s cover
sjvance reviewed Version 1 -
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I think my daughter, 15, would like this story. The story seems to flow well and you don’t have too many grammatical errors. I think you will be very able to write YA. The dialogue goes well between the characters and I would expand and let the reader know what happens between the two. :)
Daney reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a really good story and a lot of teens could probably relate to it because in high school a lot of times you really are judged on first appearances. This would be a great story to publish, if there was more to…unless this is supposed to be a short story. But there are a few problems with grammar and spelling, but not much so it could be easily fixed. The dialogue was pretty good, except for the fact that when Judy finally starting talking you had her saying ‘like’ every other word. I don’t think anyone actually talks like that. They may say it occassionally, but they don’t uses it every two seconds. But, other than that, I really couldn’t find anything wrong with.
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