Poetry / Reflecting On A Stranger I Thought I Once Knew

no, I think you understand fine.  As long as you understand that “glass” is another word for “mirror.” If so, then you get it.  If not…then you probably get it now.  And yes, I agree, the end is a bit abrupt.  I did that on purpose because the poem is about how seeing yourself as you used to be inspires you to think on how you might be in the future.  So it stops there.

Interesting commentary…so if I said “I call to him, but he does not react” would that satisfy your p.o.v. restriction requirement?  This seems far less poetic.  Sometimes its what the words are not saying…

I could agree that some things could be cut.  First tell me what the poem is about and then we can decide what needs to be cut. thanks

I didn’t realize it was a quiz.  I wasn’t the only person who had problems with aspects of your work.  I recommend you review why you posted this work to be critiqued if you can’t accept the critiques you received.  Since you didn’t want my first observations, I won’t add anymore.

I think you misunderstood me.  I’m trying to understand what your suggestions entail.  I just wanted to make sure that I’m getting the proper criticisms.  It wouldn’t be very beneficial to make changes according to your suggestions if you don’t know what the poem is about. You missed the part where I ask for a specific suggestions, just because you think that sarcasm is a sign of insolence.  I tend to be light-hearted about such things.  I agreed that it might be too long, and I also now agree that brevity is typically the avenue of choice, but it is also important to make sure I have enough substance to build the theme.  If you think there’s too much, that’s fine and I’d like to know what can be done; but first tell me what the poem is about and how cutting it will improve it while maintaining the concepts I desire to keep.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I don’t know what else I could say in my original critique.  I thought it was too complicated and a retread of your original idea.  I pointed out what I thought should be removed and I did understand what you were trying to say.  I didn’t have strong feelings about the fact that this was a person you knew at one time and now they appear much different and you don’t recognize who they are now.  That happens alot at high school reunions.  I think you are making this way too complicated.  In the end, you can take what’s offered and rework it or not.  I just know if I can say what I’ve already said any differently.  

Its not about another person.  Its about a person standing at a looking glass remembering who they used to be, remembering things they prefer to forget while trying to imagine a vision of themself in the future.  That’s why I ask if you get it.  Some people get it, and some don’t, and if your suggestions are based on the fact that you didn’t see this, it means that I might need to rework the metaphor completely.  If my concept isnt reaching you than your suggestions are based on your assumptions about where you think it should go, and I have to find a better way to get you the information so you can make suggestions based on where I want it to go.  Does that make sense?

Then I would say where you went amiss was saying, “Staring THROUGH the looking glass…”  Instead of INTO.  I don’t feel like you used big, flowery language, instead of showing the person taking a good long hard look in the mirror and it makes a difference.

He treads that ancient Street of Dreams.
   Yet his vague visage knows not
the welcoming warmth of my eyes;

This does not give me the picture of a man who is trying to see who he is and where he is going. I feel if that is what you are trying to get at, then you need to deal with the character’s struggle and not with him walking through streets, unless those streets are truly providing some inner conflict.

“Street of Dreams” is the proverbial one—a figurative street, suggesting that “I” am watching “myself” wander through memories and hopes, as “I” begin to lose “myself” and forget identity.

It’s a proverbial street?  I’ve heard of “Field of Dreams”, but not a “Street of Dreams”.  In something like this,  your thought process has to be crystal clear.  And it isn’t.  And I don’t believe capitalization or quotation marks makes that more evident.  This is supposed to
be a man who is reviewing himself; his life and all I read was him walking the streets.  Again, if he is going to be ambling through these streets, they need to provide him with something other than a bit of scenery.  
If “He” is watching “himself” you haven’t shown anything like that.  

He is forgotten to me
A remnant

A remnant of what?  He was your chance to tell us something and you missed it!
You explained everything that was on the surface, but you never went any deeper.  

So much of what you described was superficial, but as you add more explanation, you make the poem much deeper than how you wrote it.  I would love to see what you explain in this poem, but what you explain, is NOT in this poem.  I really recommend seeing what you tried to explain and rereading this and see if you can actually see that.  Being as critical a person as I am, I have to say I don’t see it.  But this isn’t my work.  I will say I am as critical of my work as I am of anyone else’s.  Probably more so.  Good luck at any rate.

Let me try to explain it again.  I think your frustration comes from wanting more when nothing is available.  That is the essence of this poem.  For the sake of argument I will assume the POV of the main character:

I look through the mirror (rather than into) because (although the language suggests that I am looking at a reflection of a person), I am in fact reflecting on memories of a life….or rather, trying to recollect things from a life I had forgotten or am trying to forget.  The person I see therefore is not my physical reflection, but a projected, imaginary reflection of my former self juxtaposed against a physical form.  As I try to remember his life--the life I had left behind--I find that I have transformed and no longer possess the aptitude to understand my lost motivations—only the pain of consequence and the confusion of accepting and trying to grow while also trying to forget them.  As I look [back] upon myself, walking through my Street of Dreams (my avenue of wishes and hopes), I only recognize his actions, not his reasons.  Eventually I learn that it is more important to reflect on the past and learn from it, than to simply try to understand it.  (And just because you have never heard someone refer to “Street of Dreams” doesnt mean that it makes no sense in this context.  I am not the first to “coin” the phrase, and I certainly will not be the last to use it.)

A remnant?  Yes…if you read the indented line that follows it, you will easily discover that he is a “remnant of a life that might have been”.  Who reads poetry solely one line at a time?  

“My voice does not resound in his ears” means that I call to him, but he does not have an apparent reaction.  Perhaps this is a little vague, but in my opinion, there is no indication of a POV switch.  If you possess the eyes of the main character, the language is pretty obvious to me…

The reason you feel there is no depth in this poem is because there actually is no depth in the poem.  The dramatic action does not go any further than the surface because that is the basis of the emotion “he” is feeling.  If you feel frustrated at the lack of “substance” (which is what I think you were trying to criticize) then I have succeeded.  I’m not trying to insult you, but I don’t know you, and I didn’t write this for you—I wrote it to discuss the turmoil of the character.  Perhaps you should ask yourself what the character is feeling before jumping to conclusions about what you, the reader, might be feeling. If I am to apply any of your critiques or suggestions, it would have to obey this theme.

I think you are projecting your own personal prejudices and expectations onto my poem and blaming me when you come up short.  Believe me, I appreciate the feedback and desire greatly to continually improve and learn--for that is true success--but for you to say that what I wrote doesn’t satisfy what YOU need as a reader seems a bit presumptuous, doesnt it?  If it doesn’t do it for you that’s fine with me.  I have accepted that my “work” will not please everyone…have you accepted that some things just won’t make sense to you?

And yes, throughout my education and my studies capitalization and quotation marks or italicizing of words or phrases does in fact indicate figurative language (not always, but often).  Plainly, techniques like such are used by poets to signify or emphasize important words or phrases.  Capitalization, for example, is a practice used in “personification” in which a poet (or any writer, really, for that matter) might wish to assign more significant traits to something that is typically innoccuous.  The metaphysical poets practiced things like this…perhaps I will unpack some books and cite some examples…

In any case, thank you again for this continued dialogue.  Although I may seem at arms, I appreciate the deliberate care at which you have handled this poem.  I will take your words into consideration, and reexamine things from many different angles.

Its an exercise in defamiliarization—taking something familiar and looking at it differently so that it becomes new.  It’s supposed to be abstract and obscure.  Look at it again…reflect and glass have alternative meanings…