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Poetry / Steadfast Blossoms
I did not expect the blossoms
to stay for so long a time,
Especially since the first rain came.
Usually when such buds bloom,
they are a fatal beauty, bursting
out into the world,
full fragility.
Pink radiance that falls in sheets
hangs amongst the slowly budding trees,
As if the cherries have won the race.
Instead, the champions, of ruffles
and pink fall to the ground,
first by wind, gradually.
Then, by rain.
And when the first light pitter-
pattering hits the sidewalk,
I expect the cones to drop and sink,
To the earth, dead glory.
But this tree has done no such thing.
It refuses to go gently, to give up
its beauty. And the world is better
for its fight.
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jojack reviewed Version 2 -
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This is real good. i like your style. Kids don’t write very well, but you do. COol Cool.
full OF fragility? why are the flowers glory? Are they morning glorys?
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trail_of_fiends reviewed Version 2 -
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For someone that has 14 years old, this is quite good. It’s simple but you managed to paint your visuals nicely. You’re off to a good start.
I would suggest remaking or adding some more words to flow better though.
ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 2 -
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I think this is remarkably good for someone of your age. I believe I read the first version but did not review it (can’t remember), and I’m more impressed at your ability to step back and revise.
Poetry suits you. I have no idea if you’ll make girls swoon with poetry, but it can’t hurt to try.
You do not make the common mistakes of teenage poets (telling and not showing, etc.) Not that this is flawless, but you’re already steps ahead of most your age. There is unity and clarity here, and even hints of spiritual consciousness and wisdom.
“Pink radiance that falls in sheets” is a great line.
My sense of style would have you looking for words and phrases that are tired, or simply unneeded. For example the last stanza would sound better to me with fewer words…
But this tree refuses to go gently,
to give up beauty.
And the world is better
for its fight.
That’s just one approach and if it doesn’t fit your voice, obviously take it or leave it. Just be sure you’re not wasting words and tripping up your reader.
Good job!
tia_logic reviewed Version 2 -
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Last line, first stanza: I don’t like it. Awkward, I think. Too big a bite, you know?
beautry repitition – still not doing it for me. The second ‘beauty’ is weak – I’d reword that’a’one. Pink, too. Lots of good words for colors.
5th stanza : cones—this catches me. I assume we’re looking at the shape of this particular flower. I have a hard time with that word relating flowers – I think soft, I think supple. Cone makes me thing pointy in a hard way. I understand you mean shape. Perhaps a different way?
Keep tweaking it. Go Team You.
Love, love.
tia_logic reviewed Version 1 -
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Careful not to repeat the same words too much. There’s good repitition, and there’s careless repitition. ‘Beauty’ is one, ‘fall to the ground’ another.
This is pretty nice. It’s a bit prose-y, but I like it. I’d work on your punctuation and the cap.’s—which I know is just negligence, not intentional.
pitter-patter – kinda cliche, but I think I like it here, jury’s still out.
Keep at it.
Love, love.
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