Lyrics / Fading Away

This seems like maybe the first verse of a song or maybe a chorus. You definetly should extend these lyrics into a full fledged song. Great work though, keep writing!!!

this pieces form is non existant
i think at times one has to pay his or her dues you know this piece is an after thought and needs further development.now there are similar pieces in existance like “we do what we’re told “but these pieces are few and far between.though the gist of the piece is not lost this piece does not YET resonate if you’re going to be short and sweet you better knock some socks off.this piece fails in this regard.tweek it,it’s too ambiguous in it’s intensity and so the reader is left with no pathos to latch onto!

I liked this piece.  This is something that everyone can relate to.  Your heart has become stronger.  I felt your healing process within your words. I really don’t have any criticism.  I thought it was well written.  Thank you for sharing.

Thought behind the work is good, but the double use of words to rhyme could be altered to something else that means the same thing.

the note you put about the jazz music really helps when reading this piece of your work. it helps to add a somewhat melancholy feel and a rythem also. I like the you worded the poetry it felt like listenig on one’s most intermost thoughts and feelings. keep up the work. your talent is worth shaping.

This is good and very pointed.  I would remove the use of the word really in both places.  it sort of disrupts the flow for a word that doesn’t add any emotion or make your point any stronger.  You are a very worthwhile talent, this is excellent.

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March 23, 2007

by gypsiegrl

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Of course any positive criticism is always welcomed.  Thank You!

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“‘Cause letting go really, truly is a good thing now
So please let me go and fade away….
I’ll let you know it really is a good thing now
And keep yourself away from me…..”

These last four lines don’t hold up the same idea as the first four.  You repeat the two lines, and in the end you almost seem mad at the other person.  You also say

“Ill set you free”  then “please let me go”

Which one is doing the leaving or letting go so to speak.  
Just my honest thoughts..

This is okay, I think that it could be developed more, perhaps into a song? It seems lyric-worthy. But yeah, definitely a talent worth shaping…

I know I’m not one to talk, but I think you use the ellipses (...) a bit too much.  I think it would be best to keep it on the line “So please let me go and fade away…” because the dots really do indicate a fading.

I think the tenses are a little awkward in line 7 since I’ll is past tense, but then you say let you know now as though it’s in the present.

Otherwise I like the sentiment of the poem.  Nice job.

Wow..this really spoke to me considering I’m going through a situation pretty similar to the theme of your poem. I can see how you had jazzy music in your mind, it’s got that flow to it. I like the message…