Thanks Ariel for taking the time to read this and review the piece. In reference to the second stanza, I was talking about how some individuals who face adversity and deal with pain still continue to move forward..i can see how you may have thought that i was referring to an image of a prison cell, right? When i used “four chambered” i was referring to the heart, which has four chambers. I used this imagery to portray how people who have been hurt emotionally and “scarred” by life experiences still continue to be motivated to move forward with such grace and strength that they allow themselves to still trust and be open to others. But, I can see how this imagery may be confusing. You got the idea of the poem. I was actually referring to four people in my life whom I talk about in each stanza…all of whom have faced hardships and adversity…and even after the difficult life experiences they faced they still continue to take risks in life with an open heart. Thanks for the in depth review and comments. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Hope I was able to answer your questions.
Poetry / G.A.T.E.
Relentless are the wounded
When they fall into a barb wired rose bush
Temporary are the prickly thorns
Their lacerated fingers easily picks each thorn off
One by one, from their worn and torn cotton ankle socks.
Steadfast are the wounded
That rise with the purple orange hues of the sun’s rays
Warmth found in their bruised, locked down,
Protected four chambered confines
The rusted lock and key have now vanished.
Champions are the wounded
Whom venture out into the battlefield of unknown territories
Empty handed, risk taking travelers
Walking amongst the bullets whizzing by
Broken glass scars their weary feet.
Some, watch with envy from their iron barred
Web latticed, four paned windows
As they denigrate the scarred
Tattered clothed
Calloused, bare footed travelers.
Yet, they still smile…
I watch them smile
As they pass by me each time.
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It’s been a long time Untold. Excellent work, as usual. Overall, I thought your poem was beautifully crafted. There were a few things I found awkward or maybe a little off.
1) You always have such strong openings, and this is no exception. I truly love the image of the bush and how this first stanza foreshadows the ending. Our (Their) pain is temporary.
2) I thought the phasing of this stanza was kinda strange; there’s a weird jump from locked down and protected to the lock & key being gone. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems a little like there’s no longer protection or confinement… I can’t call it. I do LOVE the images; the 4 chambers of the heart, hues of the sun (which kinda makes me think you don’t need to say “bruises” specifically), and the warmth.
3) I love this stanza, but I won’t explain it all here.
End) Nice finish; It comes out a little like the “back in my day”/”kids these days” type of watcher. At the same time, your final words suggest a sense of pride or accomplishment and (obviously) strength even on the part of the last group.
Como siempre, thank you for sharing your words. Always a pleasure to read.
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How I appreciate the positive atmosphere you have created here:) Life can be very difficult at times for most. Some have it tough all the time. How does one keep on smiling when the chips are down all the time? They refuse to be defeated.
Only one area that eludes me. The second paragraph. Not quite sure of the area they are waking up to. Maybe I’m just dense or not too street wise but I get the impression they are waking up in a cell. Just not clear enough to me, sorry.
Otherwise I loved you poem. Had good imagery. Liked the structure how you list the type of wounded and also how you brought out their strength to keep smiling:
Good Job!
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