Poetry / So now it comes to this
I remember the day
my bliss
Had come to reside in someone else
My favorite thing
Was not mine to control
I lived for something
For a new goal
I desperately needed you to bare your soul
I needed to know what I could do
To finally break on through to you
To just one more time get a teasing reply
To just one more time elicit a sigh
All I wanted in life was to see your light
I dreamed of once more seeing the sight
Of your naked body asleep on my bed
Oh my baby it made my blood red
I remained still, lying back in my chair
My fingers recalling being lost in your hair
My mouth dry when I thought of your lips
Drinking me dry as my leg your hand grips
I’d never felt such a strong attraction
My god, it felt like a call to action
I wanted to hunt you, bind you to me
Grip your body and draw you to me
I yearned to possess you body and soul
I needed your spirit to make mine whole
I wanted to run my hands through your hair
As your body and soul you did willingly bare
You could have owned me from inside to out
I was ready to cast off all of my doubt
And walk away from all of my life
Put my own path under the knife
Even now that I have cast off this urge
Even now that my soul has undergone this purge
I can still feel remnants of what was before
what previously had bound me to the floor
But I’m free now, more then I’ve ever been
and stronger now with all of my sin
and the pieces of you that I carry inside
only serve to remind me of your tan thighs
and teach once more what it is that I seek
remind me that I was not wrong to be weak
I will find other shining bright lights
now that I have recovered my sight
out of the gray, out of the white
once again
once again
I own my night
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Like I say a lot, I don’t like rhyming schemes but that’s just a personal preference. You flowed at times and was a bit awkward at others. I did like your mixture of genuine feelings and soft eroticism, though, a nice blend. And just as a pet peeve, if you are going to rhyme, don’t rhyme with the same word like you did with “me.” It brings your flow to a crashing halt.
“I will find other shining bright lights
now that I have recovered my sight
out of the gray, out of the white
once again
once again
I own my night”
The conclusion was executed perfectly and I think the rest of the poem should have followed this format more or less.
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I really really liked this. It was passionate, it was heart wrenching pain. It was wanting to hold onto to something ever so tight, yet your fingers so weak it slipped right on through. The great part of all of this is that it showed through your writing. I could feel your frustration, your tears, your relief once your reclaimed your name once again. Eventhough pieces of that person remain threaded in your heart, you know who you are…because regardless these little relationships that go so wrong, help bring you closer to the real you. Thank you for sharing this…it was a wonderful poem. I look forward to reading more.
To just one more time get a teasing reply
To just one more time elicit a sigh
Even now that I have cast off this urge
Even now that my soul has undergone this purge
Great poem, however your quintessential points of your structureor your rhyme falls apart here in these lines. Leave the just out of the first line and the to from the second.
And rewrite the even now lines, has undergone, it looses its rhythm. And that means you loose your listener. If you want publishing they will be less tactful and more abrupt. Allthe best.
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