Ignorance huh, actually I am a recovering addict and was homeless for 18 months so instead of assuming that I am being ignorant in my writing try reading it with more of an open mind. thanks for your review
Poetry / Vagrant
VAGRANT
I hear the birds sing
The sound of the tide
My stomach is rumbling
in a way I have died
I’ve known this addiction
For far too long
It’s weakening my bones
They used to be strong
Now all I have are
legs that are sore
A belly that is empty
And skin that is torn
On this beach I’m alone
Down under this pier
I wonder if she sees me dying
At the spot we held so near
For years I have been away
Embarrassed and ashamed
Feeding my dependence
With only myself to blame
I wasn’t a good husband
I lied, I cheated, I beat
So now I am collecting my due
Not even trying to get on my feet
Where do I go now?
Where can I hide?
What corner can I work at,
Swallowing my pride?
So with my bottle in hand
I take a generous drink
put the muzzle to my temple
and cease to think
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Erendar reviewed Version 4 -
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This poem is brilliant in the sense that it shows the unending cycle of those who have nothing. They know they have nothing so they become addicted, but when they’ve become addicted they are to afraid to go pack and it’s just an endless cycle. Not many people realize this and you’ve done a great job of depicting it. The only this i can see that could be canged about the poem is the end is sort of anti-climatic. In your last stanza maybe break the quatrain pattern or break the rhyme. As I was reading I was waiting for this fabulous, blow me away ending because that’s the kind of poem this is; it’s insightful and it flows. However it needs a stronger ending to end such a strong build-up.
Great Work!
Erendar
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mpotavin reviewed Version 3 -
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I’ve always found that using an iambic pentameter-esque style makes the poem seem really sing-song like a nursery rhyme. This has a tendency to take the reader away from the dark emotions of this poem. Having actually spoke to some homeless people, some of them addicts, I can say that your poem shows a degree of naivety. The addicted live in a moment to moment existence, past and future are not considered, only immediate needs. Instead of putting words in their mouths, try talking to one. This is a poem of ignorance.
learning2fly reviewed Version 4 -
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I have great respect for the message of the poem. It is personal anguish that, I’m sure is difficult to express. I do think it read roughly and more attention could be paid to the rhythm of the piece.
Nawlinz reviewed Version 4 -
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Very good. I could definately see this as a look out of the eyes of a drunk or addict. Great imagery and rythm. Keep up the good work.
Patience_is_a_virtue reviewed Version 3 -
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Beautiful. I suppose it’s awkward to call it beautiful given the content but I really loved the easy and consistent flow of your poem. It’s simple. But the simplicity fits it well. It serves to paint a feeling of futility for the subject of the poem. Although minor minor correction… i think the last line of the first stanza would read better if it said “I wish i had died” instead of “i’d.” But that’s just me. Good luck. Nice writing.
tia_logic reviewed Version 2 -
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Rhyme dictates meaning. From line to line. When you write a rhyming poem in which you write a line, then think of a word that rhymes and write a line around that word, to end with that word, you end up with a badly crafted poem.
You are better than that, you’re smarter than that. Your ultimate meaning could be really poignant and close, but in order to make it show those things you have to find a way to make it honest and fresh. This is currently another in a list of poorly rhymed poetry. I’d re-do this with out rhyme, use some imagery, show me the speaker’s sadness, make me pity him, or sympathize with him(her) or be disgusted by her.
“spot we held so near” I believe the cliche you’re looking for is ‘dear’
Best of luck.
Love, love.
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 2 -
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This is excellently written. One minor fix: I wish I’d died
and isn’t it vagrant? Other than that.. if you are able to get to public poetry readings this would sound great from the microphone and touch quite a few. Addiction, alcoholism, self-destruction is unfortunately experienced by many and touches a lot of people. You have captured the true nature of this fall from grace quite vividly.
Richglimmers reviewed Version 6 -
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This was really good…..probably an example of what happens to
some, even good people, when they let an addiction control them…
The rhymse scheme was great & fantastic -
‘On this beach I’m alone
Down under this pier
I wonder if she sees me dying
At the spot we held so near’
That above line is so clear
buyt so sad….I wonder if anyone
who needs to really read this –
I bet they would change
GREAT POEM!!
nathall reviewed Version 6 -
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hi there,
you have a nice piece of verse in the making, which have enjoyed very much :-).
please find a few suggestions below for consideration.
stanza order:
you may wish to reconsider order – a “good poem” has equally strong/powerful opening and ending. your final stanza is strong. am not so certain about your first. there are some very powerful ones in-between,
ie.”Now all I have are/legs that are sore/A belly that is empty/And skin that is torn” or “Where do I go now?/Where can I hide?/What corner can I work at,
Swallowing my pride?”. why not paste your stanza on paper bits and see how your poem would then flow… think?
use of “superfluous” words, ie. “the”, “a”, “and”, “-ing”, etc.:
ie. stanza 1: “I hear THE birds singing” – if this doesn’t hinder reading flow/meter [which am unsure of in this piece], why not “I hear bird sing”, or better “I hear birdsong”? – although am also aware of rhymes [pattern for each line 2 & 4 from each stanza] ;-)... you’d get away with it as “song” and “ramble” don’t sound too far apart.
you may also consider strengthening stanza 5 and 6, as both sound a bit weaker.
re-structure them, think?
have really liked your final stanza. you may decide to prune it a bit though.
ie. So with my bottle in hand => “So with bottle in hand”
I take a generous drink => “I take generous drink”
put the muzzle to my temple => “muzzle my temple”
and cease to think => “that hound ceasing to think” / chose “hound” with your image of muzzle in your previous line ;-).
Overall, have enjoyed this poem in progress. Hope this helps a little.
best wishes with your writing,
nat
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 6 -
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Wow, you changed the ending. Powerful. Dramatic. I like it. In fact, I ‘d say it this is the difference between good and kick ass! Not to mention more true than not. Sadly this is often at the end of the spiral down. I think it give some impact to your poem.
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