It’s an abandoned project unfortunately, but one I hope to return to one day. I got a bit caught up in the whole submitting, reviewing, unlocking reviews, editing, reviewing, unlocking, editing, reviewing, unlocking cycle and lost my inspiration for the story. Cheers for the encouraging comments anyway!
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Goddess Ch2
Callista slowly opened one eye and peered around her, her vision still blurry with sleep and dust, trying to recall where she was. Waking up she sat up slowly and stretched, feeling the knots in her back and neck ease slightly. Looking around her she saw people strewn all over the hillside, some shaking out cloaks and blankets, others lighting fires, whilst others were still sleeping off the excesses of the night before, their cloaks drawn over their heads, creating the impression of mounds of abandoned clothes all over the hillside. Glancing at the ground beside her she saw that Aiolos had already left. Shading her eyes from the glare she assessed the position of the sun. It was a long way past sunrise and the Taurokathapsia would be starting in a few hours. He was no doubt already at the palace getting ready for the contest.
Callista rose and shook out her cloak, sending dust flying into the air around her, and then brushed the dust off her linen shift. Walking a little way, she squatted behind a bush and relieved herself, then returned to where she had left her bag. Searching it she found only a stale piece of bread and a half empty water skin. With a sigh Callista took at bite of bread and a sip of water and waited for the water to moisten it before chewing and swallowing. The dry bread scraped down Callista’s throat. She coughed and threw the bread to the ground before taking another gulp of water. Glancing to one side she saw an old woman watching her. As their eyes met, the woman smiled and beckoned her over. Callista assessed the woman quickly and then spotted the loaf of bread by her side. The woman smiled and nodded and beckoned to her again. As she approached the woman reached down and broke off a piece of bread and handed it to Callista.
“Thank you,” Callista mumbled taking the bread. The woman smiled and broke off a piece of bread for herself.
“You looked hungry.” Callista nodded and took a large bite. The bread was beautifully soft.
“Thank you again.” The woman inclined her head and Callista turned away. She had walked a few steps before the woman called after her.
“Your brother, he left at first light. He went that way.” The woman pointed towards the town. Callista looked towards in that direction – the central court. She nodded.
“He’s in the Taurokathapsia today. He is a leaper.” The woman’s eyebrows rose and she nodded thoughtfully as she chewed.
“He is a brave man then. May the Goddess be with him.” Callista murmured the response and smiled at the woman before looking over towards the town. Already she could see people heading towards the central court. Picking up her bag and cloak Callista headed down the slope towards the path that would lead her back to the town.
-—--
Aiolos jogged steadily across the field, feeling the warmth entering his muscles, driving out the chill of the night spent out in the open. Glancing across to the hillside opposite he could see people descending in ones and twos towards the town, but it was too far away to see if Callista was once of them. He upped the pace of his run and headed out across the field towards a grove of trees at the far end. His muscles burned as he sprinted, the air blowing his hair out behind him. As he approached the trees he slowed to a jog again and then turned back towards the palace. As he reached the wall, he headed through a small doorway into the yard beyond. More leapers were arriving now and beginning their preparations. Aiolos counted them; twelve now, some stretching, others standing casually and talking with other contestants. Aiolos searched for familiar faces, but they were all strangers to him.
A tall man with muscular legs, probably quite strong, he looks a bit old though. That one, he looks nervous, probably his first time too. Aiolos assessed them each in turn until his eye came to rest on one in particular. She was tall and wearing a man’s kilt, and had chosen a bright red linen as if to draw attention to this fact. Aiolos couldn’t take his eyes off her. His eyes traced the line of her lean muscular legs; his gaze caressed the smooth expanse of flat stomach and lingered longingly on her small perfectly rounded breasts. The muscles of her arms flexed hypnotically as she twisted her long black hair into a knot at the base of her neck before tying it in place with a strip of leather. As his eyes came to rest on her face, he felt a small twinge of recognition. The full red lips with small neat white teeth, the delicate chin, the strong jaw line and straight nose. Her face seemed familiar to him in some way and he searched his memories for when he could possibly have met such an intoxicating creature. As if sensing his stare, she glanced in his direction and their eyes locked. She smiled at him seductively, winked and then turned away. Aiolos felt as though he had been punched in the stomach.
At that moment he felt strong hands pushing him violently from behind, almost sending him sprawling into the dirt. Aiolos staggered forward a few paces trying to maintain his balance and then swung around ready to challenge his attacker, but upon turning he saw only his kinsmen doubled over laughing. Glancing back at the girl he saw that she was watching him again and laughing. Aiolos turned back, gritted his teeth and punched the arm of his friend.
“Careful! I’m going to need that arm later brother!”
“You startled me!”
“And just as you were about to work up courage to go and say hello to her too?! You needed someone to help you snap out of your trance! I thought you were going to drown in her eyes!” Aiolos aimed another punch at his arm, but his target ducked out of the way and instead wrapped Aiolos in a bear hug. “It is good to see you again Aiolos.” Aiolos laughed and returned the hug.
“You too Lysander.” Breaking the hug they stood smiling at each other affectionately. After a few moment Aiolos clapped him on the shoulder. “Come on. I’m thirsty!” They both headed towards the barrel of spiced wine in the corner of the yard and helped themselves to a cup. Lysander drained his cup in an instant and reached in for another.
“We’d better go easy on this stuff. We need clear heads for the contest.” Aiolos laughed and turned back to face the growing group of leapers congregating in the yard.
“What do you make of the competitors so far?” He gestured to the leapers with a sweep of his hand. Lysander looked around and then pointed towards a pair of men.
“That is Finion. He competed last year. And that is Kristos his brother. It’s his first time.”
“And him?”
“That’s Nemion. He’s new too.”
“What about her?” Aiolos casually indicated towards the girl. Lysander laughed and pushed his shoulder gently.
“That brother is a distraction for you!” he laughed. “She is Hypatia, and she is out of your league.” Aiolos glanced at Lysander quizzically.
“In what way?”
“In every way! She is an attendant to the Priestess. Her body is reserved for a higher purpose I am afraid.” Aiolos felt his heart sink a little. Now he knew where he recognised her from. She had been at the ceremony the day before.
Lysander nudged him, awaking him from his ponderings, and nodded his head towards the doorway. Aiolos looked and felt his fists clench involuntarily as he saw Diadalos walk into the yard followed by three other men of a similar age. Lysander leant closer to Aiolos’s ear. “It’s his first year too but he has been intolerable in training recently. He seems to think that being the son of a champion means he will win.”
Diadalos was surveying the yard with a haughty expression on his face. His eyes were scanning each leaper until he saw Aiolos. He turned to his friends then sauntered over towards them with the three friends following. Lysander put a steadying hand on Aiolos’s shoulder.
“Don’t do anything stupid. The contest is in an hour.”
“Don’t worry. I know how to handle him.”
“Yes, but probably not the three friends as well. Just stay calm brother.”
Diadalos came to a stop in front of them with the three other men to either side of him.
“What are you doing here mason? Come to watch us civilised men leap the bulls?” Aiolos smiled benignly at him.
“No, I’ve come to compete.” Diadalos laughed and nudged one of his friends.
“Do you hear that? The mason thinks that hitting little rocks with a hammer and chisel is enough training to beat the bull! You will most likely get a horn through your chest for your trouble. Not that I will cry for you of course.”
“The feeling is mutual I can assure you.” Aiolos retorted. Diadalos smiled.
“Of course your sister would be most upset. But don’t worry; I will make sure to find some way to comfort her. How is she by the way?” Aiolos felt anger within him rise but suppressed it.
“She’s fine. How’s your chin?” The smile slipped a little from Diadalos’s face and his hand rose involuntarily to the slight bruise left by Aiolos’s punch the night before. Realising the mistake, his arm dropped back to his side and his jaw tightened in anger. Diadalos stepped closer until he was face to fade with Aiolos.
“You better watch yourself mason. I have my eye on you.” Backing away, Diadalos motioned for his friends to follow. “Take care in the contest mason. You never know what can happen if you’re not keeping both eyes open.” Diadalos turned on his heel and headed over to the opposite side of the yard.
“Come on let’s go for a run,” said Lysander, “I’ll race you across that field out there. Let’s see if you can still beat me.”
-—--
Once she reached the edge of the city, Callista followed the crowds heading towards the palace. The wall would one day be grand, completely encircling the palace with its sprawling maze of store rooms, royal apartments and shrines, with imposing entrances on all four sides, but for the moment the south side was low enough for Callista to step over. Once over the wall, Callista followed the crowds over the rough ground that would eventually be covered in stone corridors and rooms, until she found herself looking out over a huge square, completely surrounded by people. The crowds were 5 people deep in some places, all standing behind large wooden screens enclosing the square and jostling for a position that afforded them a better view of the arena. Callista pushed her way through the crowds, weaving in between the crush of bodies, until she reached the front. The wooden screen was made up of panels of tall cypress planks standing vertically and Callista could see perfectly well through the gaps between the planks, although she had to shift her position slightly in order to see different parts of the arena. Putting her foot on a horizontal strut she heaved herself up until she could see over the top of the screen.
She gasped in surprise at the sight before her; she had never seen so many people in one place! There must be twice the number of the ceremony the night before! It seemed as if every single person from Akkanoss, plus the port of Amnissos, and then possibly all the farms for miles around were in the square. Callista had learnt some numbers from Aiolos, but there were too many people for her to count. Using her fingers she counted as high as she could, but when she had been through the numbers on five pairs of hands she gave up.
After an hour or so had passed, during which time hundreds more people had piled into the central court to line the arena, a hush began to spread through the crowd. Looking up at the wall of the western side of the palace Callista could see the Priestess and her attendants standing at a window. The Priestess surveyed the crowds in silence and then seated herself gracefully and gazed serenely out over the arena. A growing murmur emanated from the crowd, which then turned to cheering and clapping. The King had appeared and was standing on the raised royal platform on the northern side of the arena. Callista squinted from the opposite end of the arena in order to get a better look at him; she had never seen the King. He looked normal enough, although the intense purple of his kilt and the golden circlet on his head said otherwise. He acknowledged their cheers and then sat upon a raised throne with the rest of the royal house standing around him.
Callista looked back towards the eastern side now as a new figure appeared through a gap in the fence. He was brightly dressed in a colourful kilt and a feather adorned hat, with fringes of feathers around his arms and legs, and jangling chains of shells and beads around his ankles and wrists. The crowd cheered him with cries of “The Tauromatia!” as he approached the centre of the court to take his bow. Spreading his hands wide, he waited for the crowds to quieten before he addressed them.
“Nobles In this Festival of Harvest we ask the Goddess’s blessing on our Taurokathapsia which we present in her honour.” At these words he turned and bowed to the western side of the court, raising his eyes to the Priestess. She bowed her head slightly as a blessing and at this the Tauromatia straightened and continued. “Our leapers are strong this year.” At this a small cheer went up from the crowd. He smiled slightly. “But the bull is strong also!” A murmur of anticipation rippled around the arena. The bull the previous year had been a monster. Surely this one could be no bigger? He waited for the murmurs to die down. “And for the first time, the King’s SON will compete!” The crowd cheered this news heartily, although they already knew it. It had been the talk of the province for months, ever since the prince celebrated his seventeenth year the previous winter.
The Tauromatia waited for the cheers to die down and then, after a dramatic pause, he flung his arm out extravagantly towards the fence from which he had just appeared, and a moment later a fence panel there slid to one side.
“The leapers!” he called out in a voice so powerful that it carried all around the arena. A tall girl with the muscular physique of a bull-leaper entered the arena and waved to the crowd. The Tauramatia called out her name to the crowd.
“Telenia, daughter of Denisto!” Callista surmised from the cheers that she had competed the previous year. A second figure appeared from behind the fence; a tall man with the darker skin of a sea trader.
“Finion, son of Falius!” The man walked in a confident circle waving to the crowd, then began stretching his long muscular limbs. As the third appeared, Callista gave a start. It was the younger man from the previous evening.
“Diadalos, son of Dineos!” She watched him as he waved to the crowds, his lips curling in a smile of lazy arrogance. Callista glared at him with a venomous expression, absently rubbing her sore shoulder, then turned her attention to the fourth as he emerged from behind the fence. Her stomach lurched.
“Aiolos, son of Aurelios!” Next to the other three, her older brother suddenly seemed a lot smaller than she had always thought him to be. Callista felt her heart squeeze with love and fear as she watched him wave nervously at the cheering crowds and begin to stretch his arms and legs. The Tauromatia backed away and headed back behind the fence, ready to leap into action should the need arise.
The gap in the fence closed and Callista’s brow furrowed in confusion. Looking to one side she saw another girl a few years younger than herself watching the proceedings, her feet balanced on the horizontal strut and her arms wrapped over the top of the fence to keep her in place. She leaned over to her.
“Where are the others? Why are there only four leapers?” The girl looked at Callista scornfully.
“This is just the first round. The two winners will go on to compete in the second round. Don’t you know anything?! Callista reddened slightly with embarrassment.
“I live in the country. I’ve never been to a Taurokathapsia.” The girl shrugged and turned her attention back to the court, signalling the end of the conversation. Callista turned her attention back to the four people in the court. She squinted as she tried to weigh up Aiolos’s competitors. The tall girl who had entered first seemed to have the confident air of an experienced competitor, as did the man who came in after her. Callista leaned over to the girl again and tapped her shoulder. The girl scowled slightly and looked at her.
“Who is the tall man with the dark skin?” she asked. The girl sighed impatiently.
“He competed last year. He’s a sea trader I think.”
“And the girl?” The girl smiled a little then.
“That’s Telenia. She’s my sister. She competed last year and almost made it into the final. This year she is going to win!” Callista smiled and nodded and then looked back over towards the group of leapers. Diadalos seemed confident, but Aiolos had told her the previous evening, after their little run in with him and his father, that it was his first year too. Surely that meant that he and Aiolos were therefore the likely losers. Callista felt a pang of guilt. Was it wrong to hope for Aiolos to lose? At least that way he would be safe.
With the beat of a drum emanating from behind the screen, the four competitors turned and bowed to the Priestess and then the King, and backed up against the eastern fence, before turning to face the south-east corner. Callista strained to see to the far corner to her right. The fence panels were open and everyone was watching the space beyond. A chilling silence fell over the crowd with only the beat of the drum sounding out over the court. Callista felt her heart beating inside her chest in time with the beats. From the corner Callista heard a fearful snort and a stamping of hooves. Cries of alarm came from the crowds positioned around that corner until all at once a terrifying vision appeared. A colossal aurioch emerged from behind the fence and thundered out into the arena, streaking past the leapers before coming to a halt, its eyes wide in fear at the sight of the crowds surrounding the central court. As it surveyed the people and fences with its pitiful eyesight, it blew mighty breaths out of its nostrils and stamped its hooves in consternation. Trotting back the way it had come, it swung its head from side to side looking for a way out of the arena, until finally it stood still in confusion in the centre, before finally locking its eyes on the four figures standing by the fence. It walked a few tentative steps forward, lowered its head, sniffed the ground and then blew at the dusty floor as it tried to determine who it shared the arena with. Callista looked at Aiolos; his face had paled noticeably. He was afraid, although looking at the others it seemed as though they were also reluctant to make the first move.
After a moment’s pause, Telenia and Finion began to walk towards the beast, and in sensing their approach it swung its mighty head to look in their direction, snorting through its nostrils in alarm. With a glance at Aiolos, Diadalos also began to move, slowly heading to the other side of the bull. Callista watched Aiolos take a deep breath and glance around at the crowds. She stood up on the horizontal strut and waved at him, but he did not see her, and with another deep breath he followed the others. As he took up his position, the bull had two leapers on either side. It switched its gaze from one pair to the other in an attempt to keep them all in its sights. With a signal from the girl all four leapers began to shout and wave and advance on the bull, attempting to provoke it into a fury. The bull snorted and stamped at their advances before backing away and rolling its eyes at them.
They continued to advance and harass the animal until at last the bull’s patience was exhausted. With a few preliminary strikes at the dust with one cloven hoof, it lowered its head and charged at the closest leaper; Diadalos. Even from her position, Callista saw the expression of fear wash over Diadalos’s face, but then his jaw set in a determined line and he thrust his hands out to meet the bull’s headlong charge. As the bull reached him, his hands connected clumsily with the bull’s mighty horns, but he was off-balance and when the bull threw its head to one side in order to shake his grip, he was flung to the ground, rolling in the dirt to get out of the way and the bull suged ahead. The crowd clapped in relief as Diadalos sprang to his feet and ran back into position to face the bull’s next charge. The bull ran on for a few more paces then came to a halt and turned slowly to face its tormentors again.
By now Telenia was walking towards the bull, calling to it and waving her arms. Callista marvelled at her fearlessness. The others backed her up, shouting and whistling from behind, enraging the bull still further. As she got closer, the bull fixed her with a furious stare for a few moments and then sprang towards her. The other leapers moved to the sides to allow the charge to pass through them. Telenia on the other hand actually ran towards the bull. The crowd gasped as she launched herself into the air, diving towards the fearsome points of the bull’s horns. As her hands grasped the bull’s horns firmly the crowd cheered and clapped and called encouragement.
Callista glanced at the girl watching next to next to her. She was screaming encouragement over at her sister and clapping her hands so vigorously she was almost losing her footing on the fence. Callista turned back towards the action in time to see Telenia execute her leap. Using the momentum of the bull’s charge she flipped herself over the bull’s head and then released her hold on the horns. Her body somersaulted through the air as the bull thundered on unawares. Callista found herself holding her breath as she neared the floor. Would she make it? After one complete turn in the air, she landed with infinite grace on the stone floor then stood and waved to the crowds. The crowd erupted into cheers and her fellow leapers cheered along with them.
“A perfect leap!” said the girl proudly. Callista turned to her.
“Your sister is very brave isn’t she?!” The girl smiled at her and nodded then clapped her hands in excitement, before turning back to the court and calling out to her sister at the top of her voice. Hearing her, Telenia turned in their direction and waved quickly before jogging back into position.
Now it was Finion who approached the bull. The other leapers danced around nearby to encourage the charge. The bull made its run towards him, but as he stepped forward and put his hands out towards the bull’s horns, the animal twisted its head to one side and he missed his grip. His hands were held up against the bull’s mighty head now and he staggered backwards, trying to match the pace of its headlong charge, lacking the momentum or grip to perfect a leap. Callista drew in a breath as she saw him begin to lose his footing. If he were to fall, he would surely be trampled to death under those pounding hooves. The other leapers had seen the crisis and were calling to distract the bull, but it had Finion in its sights. At that moment, a fence panel slid open and the Tauromatia leapt out in front of the bull. He waved his arms and stamped his jangling feet in an effort to get the bull’s attention away from Finion, but although the brightly coloured figure slowed the bull’s charge somewhat, Finion had already lost his balance. As his legs gave way beneath him he tumbled to the ground beneath the stamping hooves of the aurioch. Curling into a ball, he wrapped his arms around his head as the bull thundered over him and for a moment it seemed as though he would emerge unharmed, but as the rear leg of the bull came down, Finion’s flung an arm out and the full weight of the bull crushed down onto it. Even over the growing moans of the crowd, and the snorting breaths of the bull, and the yelling and calling of the Tauromatia and the other leapers, Callista clearly heard an audible crack echo around the court. After an initial shocked silence, Finion screamed in pain and began writhing on the floor his shattered arm cradled to his body.
The bull meanwhile continued its charge until it reached the far end of the arena where it stood blowing and stamping, before turning and seeming to survey the scene at the other end. Fences opened and healers ran out into the arena. Everyone watched in silence as the healers rolled the still convulsing body of Finion onto a sheet and then carry him from the arena, the sounds of his screams slowly fading into the distance.
As the fences closed again Callista could see the looks passing between the remaining leapers. As if sensing their unease, the crowd began a steady hand clap to encourage the leapers and Callista could see Telenia shouting words of encouragement to the other two less experienced leapers. Closing her eyes Callista prayed to the Goddess. Sometimes she wasn’t even sure she believed in the Goddess, but Aiolos needed protection and so she prayed. She searched in her heart for some sign of the Goddess there and then opened her eyes and appealed to the heavens. Aiolos was all she had left to her in the world and the thought of losing him as well was too much for Callista to bear. Tears leaked out of her eyes as she prayed.
“Oh look! That new boy is going to leap!” Callista’s eyes snapped open and her stomach heaved. She searched for Aiolos and saw him approaching the bull waving his arms and shouting with Diadalos and Telenia behind him doing the same. Although on the face of it Aiolos looked for all the world like a confident bull-leaper making his advance, she could tell by the way he walked that he was scared, the steps ever so slightly tentative. The bull saw him approaching and let out a mighty bellow of annoyance and trotted forward a few steps. Aiolos visibly paled and hesitated, but then drew on his courage and shouted back at the bull, waving his arms in order to get the beast to charge him. The crowd laughed and cheered his bravery. Callista held her breath as the bull charged. Aiolos was readying himself to make the leap, the muscles in his legs flexing as he waited for the right moment to leap. When the bull was a few paces away he threw himself into the air, his hands aiming for the lethal points of the aurioch’s fearful horns. His grip on the horns was strong and as the bull flicked its head upwards, and at precisely the right moment Aiolos released and was flung into the air above the bull before descending feet first towards the bull’s back. The crowd gasped – this was one of the more difficult leaps to perform. As his feet made contact, his knees bent ready to leap again to safety from the bull’s back. At this moment though, the bull bolted in surprise at the feeling of something on its hindquarters and bucked its hind legs. Aiolos lost his footing and slipped to one side. As he fell the bull bucked again and caught Aiolos’s hip with one flailing hoof, sending Aiolos crashing to the floor. The crowd gasped in concern and Callista let out an involuntary shout of alarm before sucking in another breath. Her heart was beating so hard it felt as though it were about to tear itself out of her chest.
With Aiolos lying in a heap on the floor seemingly helpless, the Tauromatia again ran out to distract the bull, but amidst growing cheers from the crowd Aiolos was already getting to his feet. The crowd clapped and called encouragement and he acknowledged their cheers with a wave of his hand. The bull trotted to the far end of the arena and stood there, its sides heaving. Callista finally let out the breath she had been holding and then turned away and slumped against the fence in relief. The girl to her side glanced at her.
“Are you alright?” Callista closed her eyes and nodded.
“That’s my brother.” The girl raised her eyebrows in surprise and looked over towards Aiolos and then back at her.
“He is new to the Taurokathapsia?” Callista nodded, her hand held against her chest as she tried to slow her beating heart. The girl looked back over towards the leapers. “Not bad for a first go. It’s a shame he didn’t land it. That would have been enough to go through to the next round that’s for sure.” Callista glared at the girl, but she was watching the leapers again and didn’t see. “Too bad that he will probably have to drop out now. That Diadalos will go through instead.” She tutted at this. “He hasn’t even done a proper leap. Still, if your brother can’t walk he certainly can’t leap.” The girl was pointing over towards the leapers.
Callista turned and looked over towards the eastern fence. Aiolos was standing by a small gap in the fence talking to a healer and as she watched she saw him tentatively put his weight on one foot and then wince in pain. The crowd cheered him on as he put more and more weight on his leg until finally he limped away from the fence to rapturous applause. He acknowledged the applause, but Callista could see he was in a lot of pain. He moved to a position out of the way of the bull’s next charge and stood testing his sore leg and rubbing his hip. Diadalos approached then and appeared to say something to him. Callista couldn’t make out what, although guessing from the expression on Aiolos’s face she assumed it had been an insult of some kind. Aiolos shouted something back at him to which Diadalos spat on the floor in front of him before turning back towards the bull.
Diadalos and Telenia were approaching the bull together now, both calling to it and waving their arms. Glancing at one another, they upped the pace, competing to get to the bull first. In the end though it was the bull that decided. Fixing its eyes on Telenia is lowered its head and began its approach. Diadalos scowled and fell back to the supporting position. Callista switched her attention back onto Aiolos and was pleased to see that he was watching the charge out of harm’s way by the fence.
As the crowd and the girl next to her erupted into cheers and applause she turned her attention back to Telenia who had just landed another perfect leap and was waving her acknowledgment to the crowd with her back to the bull, but this time, rather than continue its headlong charge the bull slowed abruptly and turned. Catching sight of her as she stood waving, the bull sprung towards her accelerating with every step. Cheers of praise turned to shouts of alarm as the bull neared. The girl next to Callista screamed a warning and the Tauromatia ran to Telenia’s aid, but the bull was too fast. At the last minute Telenia saw the horrifying sight of the aurioch bearing down on her. With all her energy, she flung her body to one side as the bull’s head came down, but her leap had not taken her far enough. As the bull lowered its colossal head, one of its horns pierced the flesh of her thigh, and drove her body ahead of it along the ground. With Telenia impaled on its horn, the beast flung its head up, throwing her into the air. Telenia let out a blood-curdling scream as she flew through the air then fell silent as she crashed to the floor, while the bull charged off towards the opposite end of the arena.
Telenia lay in a silent heap on the floor as blood began to pool around her leg at a terrifying rate. The crowd fell quiet with only the occasional call distress from the crowd to break the silence. Callista glanced at the girl to her side. She was staring open-mouthed at the scene, silent tears falling from her eyes. Callista stepped down off her perch and moved to the girl’s side and put a comforting arm around her shoulders. Looking back over at the scene she could see that Aiolos had gone to Telenia’s side and was pressing his hand onto the hideous wound in an attempt to stem the appalling stream of blood gushing out of her leg. He shouted at Diadalos and the Tauromatia to keep the bull distracted and screamed towards the fence in desperation for the healers. By the time the healers had replaced Aiolos’s hands with a wad of linen pressed into the gaping hole in her thigh, Aiolos was washed scarlet with Telenia’s blood from hand to shoulder and foot to hip. Finally, with one healer’s hand pressed firmly on the wound, they lifted Telenia’s unconscious body and carried it from the arena to the sounds of respectful applause from the crowds.
As the fence panel closed behind them another opened in the southeast corner and bull-handlers ran into the arena with ropes. One caught the bull over the horns with a loop of rope and began to drag the bull towards the gap whilst others herded it from behind. Callista looked at Aiolos. He was stood to one side of the Tauromatia with Diadalos on the other. The Tauromatia grabbed their hands and raised them up as the cheers from the crowd grew. Over the noise of the crowd, and the weeping of Telenia’s sister by her side, Callista heard two words ring out around the arena.
“The winners!” Callista’s heart sank.
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CaptainNapalm reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Your POV shift is fine. Just be sure that you are always clear on your POV change. The story is compelling, but the writing is a bit fluffy. You seem to have a lot of not-so-useful words.
“With a sigh Callista took at bite of bread and a sip of water and waited for the water to moisten it before chewing and swallowing.”—I think this is an unneccesary detail.
“beautifully soft”—You seem to be an adverb junkie. I am too, and it is a very hard habit to break. I end up editing the crap out of my adverbs. Try to find other ways to describe things. ”Beautifully” is particularly weak. Try something that doesn’t end in -ly and that is more graphic to describe the softness of the bread. Maybe something like it was “pillow soft.”
“At that moment he felt strong hands pushing him violently from behind,”—“At that moment” adds nothing but three words to your count. It’s fluff.
”...he felt strong hands pushing him…” In my opinion, “felt” is a four-letter word. It is a crutch that keeps you from being expressive. If you drop it, you are left with “Strong hands pushed him violently from behind…” which, in my opinion, is a much stronger sentence.
“punched the arm of his friend.”—Sounds stilted. Try “punched his friend in the arm.”
“Callista’s eyes snapped open and her stomach heaved.”—Sentences like this are good. Straight to the point, no wasted fluff words and it is graphic. You can imagine it clearly. Good stuff. Write more like it.
“Aiolos was readying himself to make the leap”—The fluff words are dragging down the action. Trim them out. ”Aiolos readied himself to leap”.
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Reilly616 reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked it!!! I think the pace and action are just right and I love the character development. I think that switching th point of view a bit is a good idea. I tend to also do this, but never have two different points of view within a single scene. I think you have a good handle on that tho. All in all a very interesting piece. Good luck with the next draft.
Slán leatsa!!!
Zakari39 reviewed Version 1 -
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Ok – so now I see how Diadolos is such a scumbag, nasty, smug, self-satisfied piece of work…
I think you’re fine with splitting the POV – a Callista’s view story would not get Aiolos intelligently sizing up his fellow leapers, or the head on, sheer wall of fear and tension that he feels when he’s in the ring with the bull.
‘Callista clearly heard an audible crack echo around the court’ – just one thing that popped out at me – (there were a few other mistakes but I think they’ve been covered in other reviews.)
If the crack was audible – then she already heard it clearly – it’s just tautology to repeat it. You could say that she heard an audible crack echo violently, or powerfully, around the court – using the ringed fence and the banks of crowd as a resonating board for the force of the impact.
I liked the action in this: it ran smoothly. If you wanted to ratchet up the tension for the reader, then more paragraphs and the odd dialogue or action as perspective shifts between the competitors and watchers would make it stronger.
Definitely equal to the quality of the other chapter…
hellbunny reviewed Version 1 -
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Man vs. beast. This is a theme that has been with us since the history of man and for a good reason. I enjoy reading stories based on old myths or themes with a fresh look, and I think you are close to accomplishing that. The action was written very well put me on the edge of my seat as I could almost see the interaction between the bull and the leapers. You had wondered if you should tell the story from two different view points. Yes. Some published writers do it and some don’t. It’s difficult to do and when done right, it works. You kept the two view points seperate as to not confuse the readers. This is the first time on this site I have seen it used well. Watch your spelling and punctuation. Also, when you have a dialogue, seperate out what each person says into its own paragraph rather than have an entire conversation in one paragraph. Overall, the story needs polishing, as it is still rough, but you have something worth working on.
Re reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, what an insanely exciting story! You have good character development and I sense no problem with changing the point of view. In fact I think it makes the story more interesting by switching to a masculine view of things and then switching back to the girl by the time the contest begins. Describing actions scenes can be a challenge but I believe you did it because I couldn’t stop reading even to answer my cell phone. I knew that bulls can be unpredictable at times so I was impressed how you described the bull making that sudden turn around. This is what makes overconfidence so dangerous (in bullfighting).
Thanks for the thrills.
Dragonfyre96 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an excellent story. I read the third chapter first, and now that I have read the second one, I understand the third chapter better. I like the character development in this story. I can really feel the connections between the characters. The brother and sister relationship between Aiolos and Callista, the friendship between Aiolos and Lysander, and the animosity between Aiolos and Diadolos. The interjection of Telenia’s sister into the equation adds the element of tragedy to the scene. And the action in the arena brings forth the element of danger very well. I can’t wait to read more of this story. I am looking forward to Chapter 4.
Good luck and good writing.
dustin_hood reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow! I am normally not a fan for Science Fantasy stuff. It normally shuts me down fast and I won’t even finish the book. I read this chapter and was not even phased by boredom. That is a huge compliment. I haven’t ever said that a science fantasy piece of literature was good, I’m saying this was great! Keep writing! Major kudos for you and keep up the fantastic writing!
Best of Luck,
Dustin Hood, 15
Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
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The main problem I see with punctuation is that you leave commas out when people are addressed (“You better watch yourself, mason”) and when you have a sentence like this one: “Searching it, she found only a stale piece of bread and a half empty water skin.” (I inserted a comma in each sentence to show where it ought to be.)
You seem to have a clear idea of the setting, not just place but culture as well, and your characters are believable as themselves. This is an interesting story, and well-written. I can see this getting published—and paid for!
SFeigley reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey there, this was a very well written piece. I enjoyed it. As to the switching back and forth between point of views, it is my personal experience and therefore preference that it is best to stick with one characters POV during the entire course of a particular scene. However, i’m not at all opposed to switching character view points at chapter breaks or maybe if you have some characters that are seperated from each other and want to give both perspectives, etc.
I think it is a very do-able thing as long as you keep on top of your changes and make it a seamless transition for the reader.
Anyway, take care and good luck in the future.
Sinner26 reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent work here, you had me rooting for Ailos near the end. You do a good job going in depth into this new universe and set of customs that is introduced to the reader, you also don’t go so far in that it drags on and pulls away from the main story. Most small errors I saw have already been pointed out. Doing both points of views is a good idea and will keep the story from getting dull like you mentioned, you just have to be careful with consistency issues when you do those types of things. Very good overall. Definetely let me know when the next one is up.
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