Thank you for your comments, I appreciate your review. To explain it to you the “character” narrating to poem itself is ‘death’ and yes she is heading towards him as in heading into the end which cannot be changed obviously once she has made the decision to kill herself.
Any ideas on a simple way to explain that it is ‘death’ actually narrating the poem?? Do you think it could be as simple as changing the title as i don’t really want to change the written content of the poem which may sound stubborn but i am happy with it.
Cheers, Rach
Poetry / Self destruction (Analysis)
Emerging in the darkness
It scatters towards me
Flickering ever so slightly
It progresses towards me
Faintly I can hear the crackle
Of the wick burning kerosene
I wonder who would travel so late
With footsteps so dainty
Who would put themselves in such jeopardy?
I have not asked for any company
I have hidden here alone comfortably
I send a cold shiver to her
She senses the feeling, I see her quiver
For a brief moment fear rises within her
Then forward she travels briskly
Her mind is made up
The gate she will open
Will remain forever closed
No turning back now
This is the path she has chosen
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Dallen reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not sure if I got what you were giving. At first I thought you might be speaking about yourself in the third person. As I continued reading you seem to be to be describing someone else. but overall good. It captivated me and I felt as if I was in the woods being followed.
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Lepre_Khan reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a good start, but it can use a touch of tightening up.
L1- from the darkness, right? Emerging in doesn’t make sense.
L2/4—We have no idea what the ‘it’ is. I assume ‘it’ is the light of the lamp, but it’s really not clear in the least. “Show don’t tell” let us know what the light is like. Is it warm, a faint glimmer, a earth-bound star? We know it’s flickering, but that’s all.
L5—consider a new stanza here. You turn from discussing ‘it’ to discussing ‘I’.
L9-12 very confusing. Why is ‘she’ in jeopardy? (For that matter, how do you know she’s a she? Who are you? How do you send a cold shiver to her? What does that even mean? Again, show don’t tell. Show us what she looks like and where she’s goign and what she’s walking into. Give us a hint as to what you are.
L17/18—Why is her opening a gate dooming it to remain closed forever? The assumption is that she’s killing herself and can’t come back to life (or wherever she is) but it’s really not clear. Consider Dante. He wrote a big honkin’ allegory, but by making the characters so vivid and so real he made the allegory itself more real. His gate into hell was well described and hellish, making it that much more relevant to the allegory. It was both more itself in a literal reading of the poem and more itself in the allegorical reading of the poem.
So, that’s pretty much it. Your rhymes are fun. I think a few stanza breaks would be nice, but it’s not essential. The story is interesting, just vague.
I look forward to seeing more!
aprilsmiles reviewed Version 1 -
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Left to our own imagination, to draw upon our own conclusions. What a peice of art.. I have goosebumps..
leonvdn reviewed Version 1 -
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Great metaphorical meaning and symbolism, no critique on this one I think
Brian76 reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem is very drag you in. Evokes very strong feelings. However I’m not sure I can understand exactly the situation. What’s happening there. But maybe it’s meant to be: anybody have to think of it himself.
P_Rose reviewed Version 1 -
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i like the way it created an image, ante suspention builds
Wade reviewed Version 1 -
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very good imagery I love the description of sending a shiver to someone. I think you would make an excellent story writer I dont know why but it reminded me of Dean Koontz’s writing probably the atmosphere created, anyway good effort
Annah reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like how this poem has me asking questions until the very last line when it ties everything together perfectly, it is a really cleverly put togrther poem. The subject matter quite reputable and your lanusge is fantastic. I have no actual critique just a well done..= )
djini35 reviewed Version 1 -
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I was with you until you abruptly switched to talking about “her”. I feel as if this is two separate poems jammed together. I lost interest when you chnaged tone of the first part.
AnaBlack reviewed Version 1 -
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I am not certain what is has to do with self destruction but your poem is well written and captivating. I love the way it flows and the words you use. The only thing I am uncertain is why it switches from you to her…it was very ambiguous and leave the reader with lots of question such as who is the I? is it a he, a she, a ghost, a stalker, a thought? I would like to see more on that side because it felt like there were too many pieces missing…
thanks for sharing
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