Children's / Sweet Pete and the Visitor

For a children’s this is pretty cool. I guess that one day you’ll be noticed by a publisher, because I think that this story has a lot of sense in it. The twist in a dream isn’t something extra ordinary, but still this is very very good.

Your story reminded me a bit the film Charlie and Chocolate Factory, because it seems to be like a fairy tale…a nice one.

All in all, your sory in entertaining: good descriptions, well thought moral of the story and just fun. I guess, not only for children

Alright, I’ll be looking foward to your future works. Good luck and have fun with your future works!!!

Pete dreamed that he lived in a far off land full of children and goodies with no adults to tell him what to do.

Try something like, suddenly he found himself in a land full of children . . . that could help transition the dream scene.  Otherwise I think you have a good story here.  WHy do you address his mother as Mother istead of his mother or just mom it sounds kind of grown up for this story, but that’s only my opinion.

I really enjoyed this.  It’s a great story that will hopefully teach kids that they need to brush every day.  I would buy it for my children if I saw it on the shelf.

Here are my suggestions:

swirled around some toothpaste in his mouth.    - Try this              swirled around the toothpaste in his mouth.

Mother said with that I know what your up to face           -Try this             Mother said with that, I know what your up to face,                            see where the comma’s are placed?

In the dream after you say he fell to sleep, start describing the dream like we are there experiencing it.  Tell me what Pete feels how excited he is eating all the candy with all the other children, and mother isn’t there to stop him.   Right now it’s just a narrator telling the story and I as the reader want to be there and see for myself what is happening….like your in a movie.  Children really get involved in their books when they feel like they are in it having the same experiences as the character.

You lack in comma’s here is an example of what I am talking about.
YOU WROTE:
I guess I can take you to the village.” Pete was unsure but thought it wouldn’t hurt Brian seemed kind enough.
SHOULD BE:
I guess I can take you to the village,” Pete was unsure but thought it wouldn’t hurt, Brian seemed kind enough.

Your quotations should be connected to the sentence following it…..no periods allowed. ? and ! Are the only exceptions.

Again I loved it.  I like how he dreamed about all the candy, but si didn’t understand why the giant was really there?  Maybe you can make him chase the kids and give them cavities because they didn’t brush their teeth.  I only say this because it seemed kinda pointless to have the giant there, all he did was ask questions like where are your parents, there was no real purpose for him in the story. If you make him chase the children and give them cavities then when Pete wakes up with one it will make it that much more real for the child reader and drive your point home.

I love the sweetness of the mother.. You did a great job.

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July 03, 2007

by anonymous

Well the giant was originaly a traveler and in the original there was not a dream. I had this idea about sweets and toothaches and had to see how it would work. Thank you for the ideas and the punctuation corrections, as you can see punctuation is not my forte.

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All of a sudden out jumped this giant at that time Sweet Pete turned to run . . . you left out a word – ‘and’?

“I just want to talk to you and ask you a couple of questions about your land.” said the giant in a very kind way. “Okay, but only if you promise not to eat me” replied Sweet Pete . . . separate dialogue should be given a separate paragraph.

“It looks like a big overgrown one of us.” … This is cute :)

All he could see are children . . . ‘was’ or ‘were’ for proper tense.

Your writing is very good and as for the story, I’m not an expert on children’s stories, but I thought it was cute. Good work.

I don’t follow the need of “undiscovered land” I’d ditch that word.

Chocolate river – maybe you could think of another sweet to make the river out of. Chocolate is overdone. Jelly, sugar, I don’t know.

(bright&sunny G.D. day? Adorable)

All of a sudden, a giant jumped out! Sweet Pete turned to run, but stopped when the giant bellowed ”...             <—this flows better

Adult conversation – kids are smart. You don’t have to explain (you told the reader already) there aren’t adults that thoroughly.. How about :
“What is an adult?” Pete cautiously asked.
“Grown-ups. Don’t you have parents or grand-parents?” Brian said.

shear = sheer

tighter until they were all hugging. --- Um. What? This comes from nowhere.

The ending bothers me. I like that he just wanted to be a kid – but the part about how the world works and teaching them to run a village – wouldn’t that take away from the purity of this village? The reason Brian wanted to stay?

This is very cute. Your descriptions are good, solid images. Some bits of the story seem a little ‘oh, by the way..” though.

This lends itself to illustrations, like nobodies business. Wonderful

Love, love.

I did like this story, very cute. I’m not really sure what age group this story would appeal to, but nonetheless it’s a good story. There doesn’t seem to be many – any grammatical errors. I do think the story could be a little longer, and have a more entertaining ending.

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June 24, 2007

by anonymous

I was worried about the ending myself. I have an idea that might be a twist but I want to get a few ideas first before I put up a new version.

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it needs work, not being mean or anything but it looks to me like you don’t realy understand the inner workings of a youg persons mind. let me give you some of my hard fought gems of Knowledge, I work in a shop full of young children and most of the time I have to keep them all under some kind of control( mostly done by reading books).
first, look back your own early live, what storys were you told?, they mite be like this one but in my case they were old folk storys, you know the one’s about littel people and magic, look for a book called catkin it is a great read.
Secondly, most kids like books with a lit bit of scar in them look at red riding hood, one of most well known storys ever writon, that has people being Devoured in and yet the small one’s seem to love it.
finaly what age are you trying to aim this book at, as it is I would say four five, six or over will be expecting a bit more then the happey, happey plot, give it a bit more power, make it a bit less rosey and you will have a good peace of work.