Novel Treatments / The Nexus Door

My biggest bit of advice besides show don’t tell…. Firstly give us a grounding in worlds…. Secondly, what sort of door between worlds?  WHat are they?  Where are they?  Thirdly word construction is awkward.  Fourthly, stop trying to tell us what we should know.

Don’t tell us he was frightened.  Show us.  Don’t tell us there were ‘huge consequences’ tell us bluntly, this was a life or death wager.  I don’t understand the danger, and I don’t know or like either character which means there is little if any immediacy.  What I mean by that is this….

I never know enough about either character to like them and I can only assume that the man opening the door is the bad guy.  but I don’t get any ‘bad guy’ vibes.  Make me afraid of him.  Or at least make me respect his brand of meglomanical insanity.

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June 17, 2007

by REM

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Well, all of that is sort of what I was going for. Since it is a prologue, I wanted to make it so the read doesn’t entirely know what’s going on. The door between worlds and what they are will be explained later. Do you have any advice on how I could do this in a better way? And what do you mean by word construction is awkward? Examples? The construction of the characters is also better explained later on in the story. This was just a prologue.  Again, do you have any suggestions on what I could do to give the same feeling of mystery in a different way? And as always, thanks for the review.

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I’m interested in seeing more of this story, but I have a few suggestions for you. The most glaring is the dulling repetition of your sentence structure. It’s always “[subject] [does this]” and so on and so forth for every sentence. I suggest making use of dependant clauses and such to vary things and make the reading experience more interesting overall. For example,

‘This one was much larger than the others. It had a high, domed ceiling and pure white marble floors.’

could easily become

‘This one, with its high, domed ceiling and pure white marble floors, was much larger than the others.’

Instantly, it is a more dynamic sentence. Do this more than once throughout your stories and you will have a piece of writing that really flows and takes the reader on a mental ride.

Mechanically, I would also suggest working to make some of the actions clearer to the reader. I don’t have any exact examples now that I’ve gone over it, but my first read through had me stuttering and stopping in places to understand what was going on.

Finally, a flavor critique as opposed to the actual practice of writing, so you may take this or leave it as you wish. So far, your story is playing out in a mildly cliche’d manner, but then, this is only a prologue. It may diverge and prove me completely incompetent. As it stands now, though, I’m seeing references to ‘great spells never used by any but known to few’ and long-time rivals, or enemies who make their ‘final stand’ with no explained background. You may have plans for these, or you may not. I’m only examining what you’ve given us and these are my thoughts.

I hope to see more of your work sometime soon. You have potential, so don’t waste it.

LoBo

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June 18, 2007

by REM

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I hadn’t actually noticed my sentence structure. Thank you very much for pointing that out, and I will do my best to change that. It is hard to try and be clear when it’s so obvious in the writer’s mind (as I’m sure you know), but I’ll try harder to look at my writing as a reader would.

I do agree with you on the cliche aspect of this prologue. One of my favorite ways to write is to make something look cliche and try to surprise reader’s later on. I suppose a consequence of this strategy is that some reader’s may look at the beginning and be completely turned away from it. I am working on changing it up though later on in the story, but maybe I could make it a little less cliche anyway. Thanks for the review!

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Well --- it’s a prologue.  i guess that means it’s bound to be a little light on plot and characterization.  It also means that as a stand-alone piece it’s hard to judge the merits of the story.

As you come in, the reader gets the feeling that there’s some history here.  That’s good.  It also feels like this prologue is kind of an epilogue, which is kind of unique.  i look forward to reading more.

You’ve got a grasp of the language and the skills to use it.  Your sentence structure is even and tight; there’s little here to fault.  Nice work.

dave.

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June 21, 2007

by REM

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Thank you very much for your review. I’m sorry it took so long to unlock. I somehow missed it and went on to the others… But I understand how it could be hard to judge alone. I’m hoping to post the first chapter next Wednesday or Thursday. I haven’t had much time to work on this lately. But again, thanks for the review!

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Wow, after reading this, I could see this either becoming a movie or a really cool video game. It has all the basic elements present. There is good characters, great descriptions, an awesome futile battle, and a mysterious door that appears out of nowhere.

I have to say, though, I would like Andarius and Mortik developed a little more. Who are they? Why are they fighting? Why is Mortik hell-bent on creating a new world? does he feel that old one is too corrupt, or that his world would be a better solution to the way the old one was?

Also, it seems that at one point the two had either been friends or acquaintainces, and if so, how and why did they end up fighting? Where was the point that caused their friendship to turn into hate? But I definitely want to see more of this story, and find out what lies on the other side of the door. You have me very interested in where this story is going to lead.

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June 18, 2007

by REM

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That could be where I got some of my ideas. I’m an avid movie-watcher and even more avid video game player. It’s very, very possible that I may unconsciously take ideas from those experiences. I hadn’t really thought about it. I have gotten quite a few comments on describing the characters more and I am working on that at the moment as well. That’s a good observation that they may have been friends. I actually had a single line in the very first rough draft that gave away that they used to be friends, but the way I had written that line and the idea itself seemed just a bit too cliche for me and I eventually just got rid of it altogether. (even though it was pointed out that the whole thing was a bit cliche:P) I’m still deciding what type of relationship overall I’m going to have for these two characters, but I will try to put it in my next revision. Thanks for the review!

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Awesome, you had me in chills right from the beginning.  I love the setting and the character were thrilling and exciting.  I know it’s only the beginning, but I really loved everything about it.  Other than a few punctuation problems, I don’t see why you couldn’t get it published.  Here are the a few samples of what I saw in punctuation problems…

What it is:   Andarius spat. “It’s about time that you stop running.” Andarius watched his enemy
Morik returned. “I will create a new existence, a place where we will rule.” Morik continued
Andarius, and you will open it for me.” Andarius could feel his

This is what it should be:

Andarius spat, “it’s about time that you stop running,” Andarius watched his enemy
Morik returned, “I will create a new existence, a place where we will rule,” Morik continued
Andarius, and you will open it for me,” Andarius could feel his

As for a book name suggestion: if I could read more I may be able to come up with something.  If you’re interested.

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June 18, 2007

by REM

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Thank you for pointing the punctuation errors out to me. I’m usually pretty good with punctuation, but I suppose everyone makes some mistakes sometimes. :P

As for the title, I’m always open to suggestions. I have the rough draft of the first chapter, but I will be revising the prologue first. It may be another week or two before I get the next chapter up since I just started a second job. As always, thanks for the review!

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I really liked it. I’m slowly getting into this particular genre of writing and I have to say it’s growing on me. I found this captivating. I hope that there is more to come!

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June 18, 2007

by REM

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22	M	Dakota, IL	July 23

Well thank you for your interest! I hope I can hold it in the coming chapters. :)

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Good stuff.
Watch out for repetition and redundant words:
First sentence – is he likely to glance around anyone else? Delete ‘himself’.
Tricky I know, but the word ‘door’ is used a lot.
‘He was betrayed by the sweat pouring down his face.’ wouldn’t he be betrayed by a single drop rather than an obvious downpour of sweat?
’... his pitch black eyes.’ is a bit of a cliche. just ‘black’ is okay imho.
And, there’s nothing wrong with ‘said’. You didn’t use it once.
All in all – good effort.

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June 18, 2007

by REM

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22	M	Dakota, IL	July 23

I’ve gotten many comments on the first sentence alone, and I have to say I agree with them all so far. It is one of the many things I will be changing. I was playing around with the sweat. I put into consideration that since he was being chased, he may be sweating a lot. I do have to revise that line as well, however. Honestly, I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t used “said”. I’m glad you pointed it out though. Thanks for the review!

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