Thanks for the interest. The spell actually comes in later. It had no immediate effect that the reader could see.
Novel Treatments / The Nexus Door
Prologue
Andarius glanced about himself as he entered another room. This one was much larger than the others. It had a high, domed ceiling and pure white marble floors. It was empty with the exception of marble pillars encircling the middle of the room. Andarius knew this was the end of his hunt. He had been tracking his opponent for quite some time now and this room was the obvious place for a showdown. Andarius came to the center of the room and was greeted with the crackle of electricity as another being appeared in front of him.
“Morik,” Andarius spat. “It’s about time that you stop running.” Andarius watched his enemy carefully with his pitch black eyes. Morik grinned and returned Andarius’s gaze with equally empty eyes. Both beings were in human form yet both emanated a deeper power. “You have to stop your plans, Morik. You will destroy everything if you go through with this.”
“I disagree,” Morik returned. “I will create a new existence, a place where we will rule.” Morik continued to watch Andarius, feigning calmness. He was betrayed by the sweat pouring down his face. It was then that understanding came to Andarius. His eyes grew wide as he took a second glance around the room.
“You see it now,” Morik continued. “This is the room to hold the first door. You can feel the power radiating from the walls. It feels magnificent, does it not?” Morik closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“I can’t let you do this,” Andarius whispered. In an instant, he was on the move. Andarius caught nothing but air. He was alone in the room once more, but Morik’s voice echoed throughout the emptiness.
“You are the key to the door, Andarius, and you will open it for me.” Andarius could feel his power seeping away and knew the cause instantly. “You feel it already, don’t you?” came Morik’s hideous voice once more. “The spell has already begun. There is no chance for you now.”
It was so simple. If only Andarius had paid more attention, then he might have recognized the room. It was in all of the books. He had stared at it for hours with ignorant longing. Now he had stumbled into this place without thought. There was no telling how many have died before Andarius in this room.
Andarius had to act quickly. He had lost this battle, and would soon lose his life if he didn’t do something. He began to chant the spell. It was an ancient spell and one that only a handful of beings knew. It had never been used in recorded history, however. The consequences and risks were too great, but Andarius saw no other choice.
His vision blurred and he fell to his knees. The laughter of his enemy echoed throughout the room. Finally, Andarius gave in and he fell to the cold marble floor. Morik entered the room as he watched the door appear in the middle of the pillars while Andarius’s body faded away. He had expected noise and great claps of thunder, but what Morik saw was a plain, wooden door. Still, he smiled as the door slowly swung open and the connection between worlds was revealed.
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EllePepper reviewed Version 1 -
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My biggest bit of advice besides show don’t tell…. Firstly give us a grounding in worlds…. Secondly, what sort of door between worlds? WHat are they? Where are they? Thirdly word construction is awkward. Fourthly, stop trying to tell us what we should know.
Don’t tell us he was frightened. Show us. Don’t tell us there were ‘huge consequences’ tell us bluntly, this was a life or death wager. I don’t understand the danger, and I don’t know or like either character which means there is little if any immediacy. What I mean by that is this….
I never know enough about either character to like them and I can only assume that the man opening the door is the bad guy. but I don’t get any ‘bad guy’ vibes. Make me afraid of him. Or at least make me respect his brand of meglomanical insanity.
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Iniriba reviewed Version 1 -
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I had a moment of confusion when Andarius tried to cast this “spell” that was so uber…All in all I think that this would be something that I would read if I found it on the shelf. I am interested to see what the door is all about.
shasha reviewed Version 1 -
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It’s a Great prolougue to a book, it grabs your attention right away, and sets the pace for a great fictional story. I think that you are a very talented writer and I was able to see clearly paint a picture of the setting and the characters. You can almost feel the intensity radiating out from the very words, the magic seeping out from the sentences. It could be a little longer but it is only a prolougue, I’m just being picky cause I want to read more! = ]
Like a said earlier great begginning to a book, you sound like you write for teens and if thats the case, I hope that you can get your book published so that I may read it!
Smeezer reviewed Version 1 -
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In the first line, glanced about himself is unecessary, and kind of confusing. Glanced about the room, or simply glanced about would probably work fine. Also, Andarius seems rather emotionless throughout, so its very hard to identify with him. Yes, he acts, but you may wish to describe fear, longing, apprehension. When his powers are being drained, he acts very two dimensional. He doesnt seem to have an oh shit moment. He just calmly figures out his options. Then again, maybe this is just his character. I dont know.
Overall, though. I like this. Nice little piece o’ fantasy.
mradjuidjts reviewed Version 1 -
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He glanced about the room, not himself. Betrayed by sweat POURING down one’s face is hardly a way to feign being calm. It’s rough and has a couple little wording problems, but I like the shape so far. Oh by the way what the hell is A’s spell supposed to do?
RoadHousePress reviewed Version 1 -
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Perhaps an opening statement is needed to introduce Andarius before jumping in with an action by Andarius. Like why is he there going from room to room? What time frame is it? You do get me involved and eventually I figure it out for myself but the reader should not have to struggle for primary information. And the only other suggestions I have are found in the following excerpts:
”..another being appeared in front of him…”
I would say as “Morik appeared in front of him.”
*
and just a question here: ”..Morik continued to watch Andarius, feigning calmness. He was betrayed by the sweat pouring down his face…” who is feigning calmness? Morik or Andarius? I think the description, betrayed by the sweat pouring down his face, is excellent, and can stand without the feigning calmness, but who is this describing?
Other than that.. I enjoyed this proloque and found it raised my interest. The ending made me want to read on ..excellent potential.
planetaryexit reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey thats really cool its alot like something I am currently working on. The pace was set right, the action was not jummbled like most storys, the only thing that was sketchy is the fact that its bordering on the golden compass which is not really all big of a deal. All and all I enjoyed it and shall look ahead for when I shall read more.
jenniferb29 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this story and I like where it is going. They only suggestions I would have is if this is to be your prolouge it should open up more. I agree that it shouldn’t detail everything in the first chapter, however I would set up the scene some. What kind of land are we talking of, what is the relationship between the two characters, maybe even how long has this Andarius been tracking Morik? I would try to enhance it some with this information and see if it doesn’t shape up a little more. Definitely a cliff hanger and I would love to read more after you make some changes.
Pritsos reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t believe that you utilized enough description in your piece. You need to reveal more about how the characters look and feel, and take your time with it before having what feels like a protagonist destroyed or faded away. Description of characters, of setting, and change a little of the diction that they use as well.
LoBo reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m interested in seeing more of this story, but I have a few suggestions for you. The most glaring is the dulling repetition of your sentence structure. It’s always “[subject] [does this]” and so on and so forth for every sentence. I suggest making use of dependant clauses and such to vary things and make the reading experience more interesting overall. For example,
‘This one was much larger than the others. It had a high, domed ceiling and pure white marble floors.’
could easily become
‘This one, with its high, domed ceiling and pure white marble floors, was much larger than the others.’
Instantly, it is a more dynamic sentence. Do this more than once throughout your stories and you will have a piece of writing that really flows and takes the reader on a mental ride.
Mechanically, I would also suggest working to make some of the actions clearer to the reader. I don’t have any exact examples now that I’ve gone over it, but my first read through had me stuttering and stopping in places to understand what was going on.
Finally, a flavor critique as opposed to the actual practice of writing, so you may take this or leave it as you wish. So far, your story is playing out in a mildly cliche’d manner, but then, this is only a prologue. It may diverge and prove me completely incompetent. As it stands now, though, I’m seeing references to ‘great spells never used by any but known to few’ and long-time rivals, or enemies who make their ‘final stand’ with no explained background. You may have plans for these, or you may not. I’m only examining what you’ve given us and these are my thoughts.
I hope to see more of your work sometime soon. You have potential, so don’t waste it.
LoBo
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