I’ve gotten many comments on the first sentence alone, and I have to say I agree with them all so far. It is one of the many things I will be changing. I was playing around with the sweat. I put into consideration that since he was being chased, he may be sweating a lot. I do have to revise that line as well, however. Honestly, I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t used “said”. I’m glad you pointed it out though. Thanks for the review!
Novel Treatments / The Nexus Door
Prologue
Andarius entered yet another room with a wary gaze. This room, with its high-domed ceiling and pure, white marble floors, was much larger than the others. The center of the room was encircled by marble pillars similar to the floor. Andarius knew this was the end of his hunt. He could sense that Morik was near.
Since the beginning, both Andarius and Morik were demons to be feared. Each had become prominent characters in the otherwise anarchistic lands of Khaliar. They knew of each other, but made it painfully obvious to any who asked that there was no connection between the two. They had only come together only once before. Morik had dared to sneak like a coward into Andarius’s domain and stole a book of great importance. It was then that this wild chase began. Andarius knew what the book would be used for and he had no intention of giving Morik that kind of power. The room that he found himself now was where he needed to end this.
Andarius slowly came to stand near the center of the room. He was intrigued by his surroundings. It seemed so simple, yet it radiated an ancient power and he was temporarily distracted. His thoughts were broken as Morik appeared in a crackle of electricity, the pillars separating the two.
“Morik,” Andarius spat. “It’s about time that you stop running.” Andarius watched his enemy carefully with his black eyes. Morik grinned and returned Andarius’s gaze with equally empty eyes. “You have to stop this, Morik. You will destroy everything if you go through with this.”
“I disagree,” Morik returned, “I will create a new existence, a place where I will have complete rule.” Morik kept his composure, ignoring the sweat pouring down his face. It was then that understanding came to Andarius.
“You see it now,” Morik continued. “This is the room to hold the first gateway. You can feel the power flowing from the walls. It feels magnificent, does it not?” Morik closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.
“I can’t let you do this,” Andarius said. He charged forward, passing through the middle of the pillars. Instantly, he fell to his knees. The pillars were suddenly alive, emanating a dark cloud of smoke that seemed to close in on Andarius. He tried to stand, only to find that he was alone in the room once more. Morik’s voice echoed throughout the emptiness and Andarius could do nothing but listen.
“You are the key to the gateway, and you will open it for me,” Morik said. Andarius could feel his power seeping away as he struggled against the inevitable. “You feel it already, don’t you?” Morik’s hideous voice was like poison to Andarius’s ears. “The spell has already begun. There is no chance for you now.”
It was so simple. Morik had stolen the book that held the secrets of the Nexus. Andarius was unaware that it was in his possession until Morik had taken it. Once Andarius had realized what the book truly was, he flew to the chase without hesitation. That was his first mistake. Morik had the advantage of knowledge. He held the book. He held all that he needed to know about the Nexus. Andarius knew nothing.
He had to act quickly. He had no time to chastise himself. With every second, his life slipped from his grasp. He began to chant the spell, concentrating on the words and nothing else. It was reckless to cast such a spell with such haste. Too many things could go wrong without the correct preparation. Andarius could see no other choice, however.
His vision blurred and he fell back to his knees as he continued to chant. The laughter of his enemy echoed throughout the room, filling Andarius’s final thoughts as he finally finished the spell. Eventually, he could hear no more and Andarius fell to the ground.
Morik entered the room, watching as the ominous cloud of smoke that had surrounded Andarius now began to take shape. Morik had expected something with more grandeur. What he saw in front of him was a simple wooden door. Still, he smiled as the door slowly swung open and the connection between worlds was revealed.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
meowby reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I liked the characters and the plot. I think that you should start with the second paragraph: ’Since the beginning’ and put the first paragraph after that, also connect the part about stealing the book together. It’s confusing saying that Andarius knew Morik had taken a book, but it sound like in the first part of the story he didn’t know which one, but later when you tell about the Secret of the Nexus book, it seemed like Andarius knew that was the one Morik had taken in the beginning, because of this sentence: Andarius was unaware that it was in his possession until Morik had taken it. Then you go on to say that’s why he had given chase. It just needs to be tied together somehow. Also be sure and check the indentations of paragraphs and the structure of the paragraphs, so they flow together smoothly. Keep up the good work! This is one story I would love to continue reading.
CAT
- add/view comments (0)
The_Peacekeeper reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 38 word review has not been unlocked.
martin54321 reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 112 word review has not been unlocked.
Lunsford reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 138 word review has not been unlocked.
transcriber reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Good stuff.
Watch out for repetition and redundant words:
First sentence – is he likely to glance around anyone else? Delete ‘himself’.
Tricky I know, but the word ‘door’ is used a lot.
‘He was betrayed by the sweat pouring down his face.’ wouldn’t he be betrayed by a single drop rather than an obvious downpour of sweat?
’... his pitch black eyes.’ is a bit of a cliche. just ‘black’ is okay imho.
And, there’s nothing wrong with ‘said’. You didn’t use it once.
All in all – good effort.
SophiaStJohn reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I really liked it. I’m slowly getting into this particular genre of writing and I have to say it’s growing on me. I found this captivating. I hope that there is more to come!
alinde reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Awesome, you had me in chills right from the beginning. I love the setting and the character were thrilling and exciting. I know it’s only the beginning, but I really loved everything about it. Other than a few punctuation problems, I don’t see why you couldn’t get it published. Here are the a few samples of what I saw in punctuation problems…
What it is: Andarius spat. “It’s about time that you stop running.” Andarius watched his enemy
Morik returned. “I will create a new existence, a place where we will rule.” Morik continued
Andarius, and you will open it for me.” Andarius could feel his
This is what it should be:
Andarius spat, “it’s about time that you stop running,” Andarius watched his enemy
Morik returned, “I will create a new existence, a place where we will rule,” Morik continued
Andarius, and you will open it for me,” Andarius could feel his
As for a book name suggestion: if I could read more I may be able to come up with something. If you’re interested.
EdWoodV2 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Wow, after reading this, I could see this either becoming a movie or a really cool video game. It has all the basic elements present. There is good characters, great descriptions, an awesome futile battle, and a mysterious door that appears out of nowhere.
I have to say, though, I would like Andarius and Mortik developed a little more. Who are they? Why are they fighting? Why is Mortik hell-bent on creating a new world? does he feel that old one is too corrupt, or that his world would be a better solution to the way the old one was?
Also, it seems that at one point the two had either been friends or acquaintainces, and if so, how and why did they end up fighting? Where was the point that caused their friendship to turn into hate? But I definitely want to see more of this story, and find out what lies on the other side of the door. You have me very interested in where this story is going to lead.
davek reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Well --- it’s a prologue. i guess that means it’s bound to be a little light on plot and characterization. It also means that as a stand-alone piece it’s hard to judge the merits of the story.
As you come in, the reader gets the feeling that there’s some history here. That’s good. It also feels like this prologue is kind of an epilogue, which is kind of unique. i look forward to reading more.
You’ve got a grasp of the language and the skills to use it. Your sentence structure is even and tight; there’s little here to fault. Nice work.
dave.
LoBo reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I’m interested in seeing more of this story, but I have a few suggestions for you. The most glaring is the dulling repetition of your sentence structure. It’s always “[subject] [does this]” and so on and so forth for every sentence. I suggest making use of dependant clauses and such to vary things and make the reading experience more interesting overall. For example,
‘This one was much larger than the others. It had a high, domed ceiling and pure white marble floors.’
could easily become
‘This one, with its high, domed ceiling and pure white marble floors, was much larger than the others.’
Instantly, it is a more dynamic sentence. Do this more than once throughout your stories and you will have a piece of writing that really flows and takes the reader on a mental ride.
Mechanically, I would also suggest working to make some of the actions clearer to the reader. I don’t have any exact examples now that I’ve gone over it, but my first read through had me stuttering and stopping in places to understand what was going on.
Finally, a flavor critique as opposed to the actual practice of writing, so you may take this or leave it as you wish. So far, your story is playing out in a mildly cliche’d manner, but then, this is only a prologue. It may diverge and prove me completely incompetent. As it stands now, though, I’m seeing references to ‘great spells never used by any but known to few’ and long-time rivals, or enemies who make their ‘final stand’ with no explained background. You may have plans for these, or you may not. I’m only examining what you’ve given us and these are my thoughts.
I hope to see more of your work sometime soon. You have potential, so don’t waste it.
LoBo
Showing 1 - 10 of 19
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
4 Reviews 0 Comments
Version 3
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 13 Times
Skipped: 2 Times
Ratings & Rankings
