Poetry / Profound
You have found your feet
And you said, “They’re on the ground”
You have been wondering so long
Searching for something profound,
The sun broke that day
That day that it peered from the distance
Right off of the blinds in our room
And pieces crumbled with persistence,
Glitter floating in the air
Like tiny feathers being swept away
Your eyes bled that beautiful green
The perfect combination that makes my head sway,
You touched me and assured me
That everything would be okay
And I fell back into those pillows sinking
My eyes flickering as my mind beside me would lay,
My confidence I gave to you
Touching the tips of my fingers to yours
Collapsing palm to palm and then sneaking in between
Fingers interlocked and my confidence became what seeped
into your pores,
And you fed off of that
Until you became full
You took a hurried break
And on my arm you began to pull,
And my legs became weary
For I ran ever so far
I ran for your tears, and your fears
I ran for your hatred, your anger, and your
harmful scars,
I held you in the night
With your emotions leaking upon your face
I caught all of your words
And smothered them into an embrace,
For I love all of you
I love the bad and I love the good
Through the best or the worst
Or the, would you(s)? Or the, you could(s),
For every situation
Held a limitlessness of possibilities
Seen through your eyes
Was the human capability,
And one day I fell from 50 stories high
I crushed your faith from letting loose this rope
And you swung from that branch
With your head hanging low clutching onto your hope,
I began to make things hard
Because my temperament became short
This fuse to bomb, then BOOM!
An explosion that we couldn’t afford,
We teetered back and forth
You on top and then me
Me higher and then you
Competing this impossible feat,
Up and down on this ride
We rode this ride too often at times
And then the storm would pass
And we would make up real quick sometimes,
And others silence would be the martyr Pride would be the thorn
That we would buried beneath skin
And when one would give up, for the dead we would mourn,
But…that day came
The one that changed all of the rest
When she reached over to me
And laid her hand upon my chest,
And compacted those words
So tightly into my ears
“We will get through this.”
These may just be the rough years,
Hold onto your faith for
The skies will clear
The rays will pull back the curtain for
The sun to again appear,
And you will see your feet once again
And they will be on the ground
And you will wonder why it too so long to
Realize that it’s your life that is profound…
Amanda
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Rhyme and rhythm go hand in hand. Rhyme is a device to help your poem move more smoothly, but without rhythm this is extremely hard to accomplish. It’s hard to explain exactly how to create rhythm, so I’ll try to give you an example. Here’s your stanza:
Glitter floating in the air
Like tiny feathers being swept away
Your eyes bled that beautiful green
The perfect combination that makes my head sway
This is how I would change it to make the rhythm smoother:
Glitter floating in the air
Like tiny feathers swept away
Your eyes bled beautiful green
A combination that makes my head sway
See, I’m not changing much, it’s just when you have too many words it really slows you down and mucks up the rhythm. Good job, I think this has a lot of potential!
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Overall I liked it. There are a few things I would change though. The line where you said “And one day I fell from 50 stories high”, I would write out the word fifty instead of using the number as you did. Also, “Competing this impossible feat”, I think it would sound much better if you reworded it another way; the same with “And we would make up real quick sometimes”. I think they would be more effective reworded.
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