thanks =]
i’m sure i can improve this though, there’s a lot i don’t like about this that is due for a lot of heavy revision, but that can come later
oh, and i’m actually 15
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Clearly Disillusioned
02:39
It was a hunch, they had told her. A very strong hunch that led them to believe that the abductions were linked to the vast production of MODUnits.
They had graphs and figures to back it all up.
Graphs that illustrated how abduction rates worldwide had increased dramatically, along with the amount of MODUnits sold. There had even been some figures to show how Silva Co. had managed to run other companies out of business. The government were anxious to uncover the perpetrator before this turned into a worldwide scandal, and despite how foggy everything seemed, Silva Co. had already raked in over $40 million worldwide in under a week from MODUnits alone.
They reckoned that somehow, those abducted citizens were being used to benefit Silva Co. But how?
As bizarre as this would seem to the rest of the world, Kali felt that, in a strange way they were right. Then again, how could a series of world-wide abductions possibly be related to robots?
That was why she had personally signed herself up for this.
Of course Lee had been against the whole thing. Saying it was too dangerous, too risky, they should get another officer to complete the mission. And naturally, Kali disagreed, saying she wasn’t seven years old and that she had enough experience to know what she was doing. Then again, he always played the big, protective, brotherly role for her.
“Come in Summers, status report” her left ear buzzed.
Kali Summers brushed a wispy strand of auburn hair out of the way and placed a hand delicately on the ear piece. She sighed gently. Behind his cool exterior, Lee was so worried about how things were going on her side that he couldn’t go five minutes without asking for a ‘status report’. Kali thought this strange, considering that she was the only one out of the two that had served in the army for five years.
“All clear so far” she replied calmly.
“Good to hear Summers, according to these blueprints if you turn left, you’re there at the stairs. They’ll take you down to the basement. Just in case, I’d recommend you turn the hologram on too”
Checking to see that no one was coming, she clapped her hands twice. Almost immediately, there was a gentle hum as the system responded to the sound and switched on. Worried at how Lee had programmed the hologram to look, Kali pulled out her small compact mirror.
There was a reason why MODUnits were called that.
It was short for Modified Units, the trendy nickname courtesy of Silva Co. of course. They were quite simply, androids designed as humans. Their purpose was simple; they completed tasks that were risky or dangerous for the average human being. They were made to be domestic servants – that didn’t need a salary. MODUnits have no emotions, no personality, unless programmed to respond in such a way. They were basically walking computers; vulnerable to a corrupted data file or something like that.
There was another reason why they were called Modified Units and not simply robots. And it was because they could be easily modified to look however the owner wanted. Be it an angel, a cat girl – just choose what module you want and there’s your MODUnit.
What Kali was looking for was precisely this.
Then she noticed a sly flick out the corner of her eye.
Kali looked down from the mirror to see a long, slender ginger tail. For a moment, she stood there staring at it, unsure of how to feel. Then remembering the compact mirror, she desperately examined the top of her head. Sure enough, two fuzzy ginger ears took their place on either side of her crown.
What had Lee done?
“Lee?”
“Yeah”
Kali breathed in, “Why did you choose the Feline module?”
There was a brief pause before Lee replied, his voice seeming to beam innocence and optimism down on her, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Must be a technical error. I thought we went for Simple without the … tail.”
Kali knew perfectly well that he grinning from ear to ear, despite the fact Lee had been careful enough to sound apologetic. She could just about hear Harrison in the background, laughing like a diseased sea lion.
“I am so going to kick your sad little ass to Bulgaria, mark my words!” she hissed angrily at him.
And yet, there was no denying that Kali had expected something like this from him. Lee was a prankster at heart, and nothing would have stopped him from taking advantage of the situation. Switching the Simple module with the Feline one was simple yet clever. Lee was probably aware of the fact that Kali’s competitive nature meant she would have to do something even worse back to him, but judging from the loud, throaty laughter, he didn’t seem to care at all for now.
Kali shook her head. She had a mission to complete right now, she would just have to swallow her pride and ignore the laughter. She’d get her own back in good time.
Now I just have to make sure that I don’t get too close to these walls, Kali reminded herself, knowing that holograms were insanely weak to computer interference and physical contact. She had learnt from experience that touching it would cause the hologram to fuzz out immediately as the system would shut down. It all had something to do with static, she couldn’t remember properly though – Lee was never that good at explaining technical things like that. However, they had their uses. The holograms made it so that they never showed up on cameras. Kali had went out of her way to pass through all of the less protected corridors the moment she had broken in to avoid detection, but at least now the camera were no longer a threat.
With the hologram activated, Kali peered round the corner of the wall. There it was, her entrance. It had an expensive-looking login system, requiring a fingerprint, password and card registration for the lock to open. Next to it was a small plasma screen built into the wall with a control pad underneath. The control pad was basic, with a simple number pad and two separate scanners on either side for the security card and fingerprint. The door itself was pure metal, probably titanium, with no windows and no handle.
“Okay Lee, I’m at the stairs”
Kali heard another sigh of relief, “Good job Summers, don’t forget the gloves”
She simply chuckled at the reminder, already getting to work as she pulled out a sealed plastic bag and a thin, grey security card from her jacket pocket. Inside the sealed bag was a small piece of paper. The security card had easily been taken off of an unconscious Silva Co. employee from outside a McDonald’s restaurant, around three hours ago. The paper had his greasy fingerprints all over it. Taking great care with the latex gloves, she first started with the fingerprint, carefully laying the paper down sideways against the glass. The system registered it immediately, emitting a loud beep.
“Good, good. Now the card-”
“I know!” Kali replied quickly, “I know what I’m doing okay”
She pressed the security card against the scanner, and when she heard the same monotonous beep, punched in the eleven digit code. There was another beep, and the door swung open soundlessly on its mechanical hinges.
“Okay, I’m in”
“When you get down there, I can’t guarantee that I’ll be able to keep in contact. Harrison is getting some high frequency readings from down there, he reckons they’re scramblers. Don’t forget Summers, if there’s any trouble just-”
Kali broke him off again. “I’ll be fine Lee” she told him reassuringly.
“If you say so” he replied, slowly and reluctantly.
Taking a deep breath in, Kali stepped forward. Behind her, the door slammed shut automatically. Surrounded by darkness, Kali pushed away the feeling of trepidation that had begun to take over her body. She was a trained police woman and an ex officer in the military.
She’d be fine.
She had survived things a lot worse than this, she’d be just fine.
Kali ran her hand slowly over the cold, brick wall, feeling for a light switch. There it was! She pressed down on it and the lights overhead flicked into life, momentarily blinding her. When her vision adjusted to the light, Kali placed a hand on the ear piece.
“Lee? Can you read me? Lee?”
No reply.
She tried again, but after getting no reply back, pulled the ear piece out and switched it off. It would be of no use now she decided as she placed it inside her jacket pocket. Despite the reassurance Lee had given her earlier, there was no denying the truth. She really was all alone now, and the feeling struck her as strange as she descended the stairs, steadily and cautiously. She could feel something sinister creeping up on her, but pushed away at that thought, suddenly feeling childish for letting it get the better of her.
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JesusFreak reviewed Version 2 -
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This 116 word review has not been unlocked.
oknapp reviewed Version 2 -
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laughing like a diseased sea lion. how do diseased sea lions laugh differently from well ones?
very interesting and very well written too. The chracterizations are good the conversations believable. However, i have a question. What did Kali specialize in while in the army? I hope she was in the FBI or special forces or government, because it is doubtful that a company like this would let her roman the place. Their are highly secret documents and prototypes here that are probably sensitive. Your descriptions of the building are impeccable. Some descriptions drone on and on yours are perfect and you get to the point of the story. The above is all ifound. I don’t want to waste credits. Respectfully, Sandi
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regmusty reviewed Version 2 -
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I can’t beleive that your only eighteen. This is an incredibly well put together piece, your choice of words is good as is your structure. You write like you’ve been on the planet for a long time. You have obviously read a lot and that shows up, keep at it, well done.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 2 -
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Well I think you’re a talented something…I was a little jealous reading this, because it’s something I would right. I like the whole plot even though it’s still a little confusing. I read through it twice to try to get a clear understanding of where was Kali. Try to clear that up more of just tell me in the comment, but other than that I enjoyed reading this and like how the two siblings treat each other.
jeremycage reviewed Version 2 -
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I confess that I’m confused. There is either too much lead-in to the action or not enough. Either I should be reading a story wherein Kali (and who is going to name their child “Kali”? Look it up.) is tiptoeing down the corridor in the guise of a hologram cat, and I’m going to suspend my disbelief and assume that a well-told story will ultimately explain to me why she’s doing this and why she’s disguised, OR I should be reading a long, detailed, well-written introduction that explains to me what a MODUnit is, why they might be problematic, and what they have to do with abductions, then explains to me what in the world Kali has to do with any of this.
But in this piece, there’s enough exposition to make me wish for some action, and not enough to explain anything to me. I would encourage you to start the story from Kali walking down the corridor and see where it goes from there: cut out the first section and figure out an organic way to throw it in as background.
Also, there’s a big hole in the logic: correlation does not imply causation, and just because there’s a correlation between sales of MODUnits and abductions doesn’t mean that the first response of whatever Kali’s organization is should be to infiltrate the place.
fiction84 reviewed Version 2 -
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I think your spacing really was a focal point of the story.
Good work on scene wordage, too.
“Good, good. Now the card-”
“I know!” Kali replied quickly, “I know what I’m doing okay”
that line of yours is one of my favorite. i can just picture those two idiots fumbling over the notion of the key and how its the ONLY thing on both of their minds haha.
I sorta got a 1940s pulp feel from it, actually. it had just that, feel, ya know. the tones you used jsut reminded me of old pulp.
i for one do not correct punc so forgive me on that.
i would, for one, like to see more descriptions about the scene and not
so much the item or person in question?
pinestategal reviewed Version 2 -
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Are you sure you are only 14? This story is excellent. It grabs the readers attention from the beginning and doesn’t let go. the only line that I had a problem with is…Lee had been careful enough to sound apologetic…I think you need to leave out the word enough. I would also suggest that this might do better in the fantacy category. Great job, I will look for more of this.
F_A_Trueman reviewed Version 2 -
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I really envy your imagination. MODUnits is a great idea – it’s easy to see from reading your story that you really thought this through: about all the things they can do, the origin of the name and other such things.
You write with great sophistication and fluidity and I hope to see more from you soon.
I liked your use of dialogue. The way that you used just enough to break up the prose without making it seem like this should be a film or a play or something. It really is very well written.
If this is just part one of a short story, I think you’re more on your way to writing a novella. There’s nothing wrong with it, I just think that this is going to be too long to be called a short story and too short to be called a novel. So, do you think you could ever develop this more into becoming a novella?
Thanks for the good read, I hope to see more soon.
Harold_P reviewed Version 2 -
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Very good piece in the laconic Chandler style. I don’t know if gumshoe was what you were shooting for, but I think you managed to pin this style down with considerable skill. I felt we lacked a connection to the Kali character, who I wanted to know more about. It was almost as if you enticed me with your quick-witted dialogue, but then pulled back and refrained from really giving us enough about this character.
I have a bugbear about people starting sentences with conjunctions and really did not like seeing that in this story. You also make use for me with abbreviations, which detracted from this piece’s “literariness,” if you see what I mean.
I think it is good just now, but has the potential to be a great piece in the genre with a little redrafting.
Harold_P
Unseen reviewed Version 2 -
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This is certainly a good peice but something to me is very puzzling. If this mission is dangerous, why would Lee do that and possibly compromise the cover. Is that not stupid as well as dangerous? Why would you compromise one another like that to put their lives in danger, mostly hers in this position? Thats just slightly puzzling to myself.
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