Poetry / Reality

I like the simplicity of this poem, but I think your rhyme scheme needs some consistency and variation.  In music, one of the weakest intervals to use as harmony is that of the octave, and I feel it is the same in poetry, when you repeat the same rhyming sound, I think it weakens the flow of the piece, it feels very Dr. Seuss…and I think it would be stronger if you had a set rhyme scheme that flowed throughout the poem. but the starkness is nice.

This piece has a moment or two but I do feel that it is completely lost in the need to rhyme. This is the classic tale of love lost -- which accounts for about 70% of the poetry ever written, right? It involves regret, bitterness, and tainted passion -- so why make it cute and contrite? My suggestion is to say what you mean, how you mean it, in language that you would use in every day life. It can have style, and flow, and craft without the forced rhyme. It can have more power…

This is a good effort, but it needs work. What you have here is a good base to start from. It’s a workable subject, but right now the poem skips along the surface of the emotions, telling the reader what the narrator is feeling. Now you need to go deeper. Give the reader a reason to care about what you’re saying. Most of the poem focuses too much on the easy rhyme and talks about losing someone almost entirely in a cliched manner. Everyone’s been through that. This piece needs to focus on specifics, or give images that drive the pain home for the reader and actually makes them feel something. I think the last two lines are your strongest. It’s the only place that actually gets specific. It touches on the fear of being forgotten, and the pain of it. That is a more unique angle to take, then just talking about losing someone and hoping they come back. Somehow it hurts as much or more to feel forgotten than it does to lose someone in the first place. Dive into that feeling and swim in it. Use imagery. Make the reader feel what you’re talking about. I suggest ditching the rhyme entirely and giving this a try in free verse. For one thing, rhyme often makes meaning take a back burner because the focus is on finding the right word to fit the rhyme scheme instead of finding the right word to convey the message. For another, rhyme is generally sing-songy and that undermines most serious emotion. I’d love to see this after a revision. Good luck.

I liked the rhyming, but I feel this was too short. I would extend it to have more of a heart to it. Some poems can stand on their own being so short and sme that are short could stand better if they were longer. I think you need to find your focus in this poem and tell your audience a little more about why you loved and lost. Give it some meaning and it will come across standing tall!

Wow, this poem is so filled with emotion. I know that sounds cliche, but for so few words, I’m amazed at what it evokes. “Day by day” is a wonderful transition. It seems like it’s at the end of “so I never could say” and also at the beginning of “I wait in hope”. Love it!

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August 10, 2007

by steves_nephew

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thanks mom thanks a lot>

September 28, 2007

by Steves_Sister

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What a nice review!

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