Poetry / The Lucky Ones Die First (Analysis)

Good work.  You really set the tone with the first line of each stanza (if that’s the correct term).  The flow works really well, and you rhyme with the best of them.  If only the majority of people would read and identify with this piece.  Enjoyed the read.

JPL

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June 13, 2008

by Thelostsoul

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
21	63.6% (11 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Grand Island, NY	July 26

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As a general rule, I try to avoid reviewing poetry like the plague. Not because I dislike it, but perhaps because I love it too much, and reviewing someone else’s emotional state of mind is always a perilous undertaking! ;-) If it’s good, it can at times be like inheriting someone else’s headache, and if it’s bad, I want to commit suicide with my fountain pen. Or bash myself over the head with my Oxford Concise Dictionary of the English Language.

Having said that, I’m rather, well, floored/bowled over/blown away by this poem. Not only does it manage to be highly topical in rhyming couplets, which is no mean feat in itself, it is also crystal-clear in its meaning, rhythmic in its syntax and flow, and elegant in its construction. It rarely gets better than this. You say what you want to say, you express emotion, history, context and meaning without ever spelling anything out too much, or giving too much away. That shows a unique feel for language and an excellent range in your vocabulary, along with a great scope in imagination.

Be careful now. The ghost of Yeats is breathing heavily, just over your shoulder! ;-)

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June 02, 2008

by Thelostsoul

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
21	63.6% (11 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
27	M	Grand Island, NY	July 26

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This to me seems like a soldier or a veterans point of view on the war. In eighth stanza in which you wrote “Who will finally realize? About the wolf in sheep skin.
To help in the disguise.” appears to be more so about our government and governmental leaders then about war itself. This indeed is an eye opener and should be published. Rarely do I find such sentiment in poetry related to war and politics, yet yours is gracefully smooth and filled with truth. Seek an agent, your poem is amazing!

Wow this was fantastic! As a poem it flowed beautifully: Great rhythm, and you were able to rhyme words without pushing. The subject matter is very easy to relate to given the current times, and you convey your thoughts on it wonderfully, your descriptive words were great.

I thought this was great, thanks for sharing it!

Awesome, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love this Poem
How true it holds to life, I have very little critiquing advice,
except maybe  dig deeper find your true passion. You’ve found a passion for writing now you just need to make it you true passion and true passion comes from emotions stirred by your work. This peice shows all the true passion of a Republican, who knows you might have a career in politics. DOn’t get me wrong I love this peice that is why my review is kinda longish kinda shortish
You’ve found passion but its not passion that makes your work truly your own every writer has a different style of work based on what about their work moves them to tears, to anger, to joy and compassion, and nobody else can mimick that style. You are getting close to finding true passion due to the fact that you have already found your political passion and standing which means that you have identified your morals and beliefs. Good Job and continue on you journey to finding your true passion

Very didactic but I don’t think the rhyme is serving the poem.  Rhyme usually feels lighthearted to me and this is a serious piece.  The refrain “young nation” works well and reinforces the warning of the poem but I am old and rhyme is stuck in light verse unless it is in iambic.  I would like to see this as a villanelle.

This acan be about any country, any people, and action that define who we are and what we hope to become. I admire how each begings, the author put down words that carry the tone of any nation struggle under the weight of itself (carry, forge, strive, pray, dream, look, hope, think, hold, and move) this is the blueprint. I also like the way it started “carry on young nation” and ended “move on strong nation” both showed the journey is never over but we can grow along the way.

i really really liked this…  it read almost like a song…  very good in my opinion… thanks for sharing…

Hello, I gave you a ten for your clarity and all nines on all of your other ratings.

This is an anti-war poem, and it had some very real stark predictions in some of the stanzas. I liked how you started the beginning of each stanzas, really tied it all together. Very nice how you seem to have built up each stanza to get stronger than the one before the other. My favorite stanza was the eighth one.

The only thing that I would remove, are the quotations in two lines. I think that most people will know what you are talking about, I did.

Look forward to hearing more from you,

...Rhonda

It sounds like a proper Workers of the World song- Eugene Debs would approve. I appreciate the repetition in the first line. It works like a story arc, and makes me think of classic Norman Rockwell paintings for some reason. The fear, hope, disdain and sorrow of a nation at war.