Than kyou so much for that review. If I could only get you to review everything I write, I might be able to put something together. Thanks again, very helpful.
Poetry / Tea For Two (Analysis)
1.
You’re four weeks in the womb,
I am trying to read a chapbook from a printing press. My hands are moist. They called her name an hour ago. I desire to know why the head nurse moves as if hoisted from a forklift. There are four of us men. We don’t meet eyes. Fluorescent lights baptize me with migraine. One of us coughs. Another watches the HBO movie on the 18-inch TV. I want a guarantee. One of us has been in the restroom for far too long. It’s so hard to cry in front of men. Clean. Dismal. Sterile. White. The phone rings again and again. Business is booming. One by one, the women come cadaverous, lethargic, and the men leave. This is the nature of things. I can’t read. Your mother comes back and I do my best to form a welcoming smile. I touch her hand. We don’t meet eyes.
2.
It’s 8:36.
I have no vacancy.
I have no Valhalla for you enter.
I tell myself things to make it better.
You would have hated me.
I have one dollar and fifty cents.
It’s 9:00.
The second Monday of May.
3.
It’s 3:30 in the morning. It’s been eight months. I live in my car. Your mother won’t allow me to tell her the names of the children I work with. This would make them reminders, a string around the finger. When you don’t know the names, the children are organic, an abstract idea, nothing more than information, like babies on TV.
4.
It’s December and Detroit is overrun with snow.
This would be your second Christmas.
I feel you.
You’re the brush of a stranger in a crowd. A tingling shoulder. Unwelcome breath, hot on the back of my neck. You are a Christmas present with no tag.
A doppelgänger.
5.
It’s 11:00am and I just told her it was over.
I have my mothers ring in my pocket.
I don’t hate her anymore.
I don’t really care.
I used to think that she would wait for me to leave the house
so she could rub her thighs with honey and blow kisses to the mirror,
she is more beautiful alone.
Think of what you would have done to her stomach, breasts.
6.
It’s 5:00 and I am driving home.
I remember thinking for weeks after that day in the waiting room, how you should be growing. How on the four month the doctor would record for us your heart beat. How on the fifth you’d be covered in vernix. How we’d giggle as you begin to kick. I might be preparing your bed, buying chewable books, and making you clothes. I would quit smoking and keep a job. Your mother would nest in our little apartment. I had everything planned.
I feel like a machine missing an important piece, a muscle pain in my chest, to the side above the rib cage. Everyday I am burdened with runner’s cramps.
7.
It’s 11:11,
make a wish.
She doesn’t remember you.
I am sure of it.
She can’t even look me in the eyes when we bump into each other.
Her tongue is made of fire and it’s sharp like a stiletto.
Maybe the whiskey mystics in her family find solace in the hands of bible stories and bottles, but my gypsy blood would rather drown than live with this longing, a permanent half-stomach, nothing satiates.
8.
Good morning.
It has been four years.
I am jobless again.
You’d still hate me.
I wish I had said something.
I once wrote your mother a letter. I wrote it ten or fifteen times. It said all the things I always wanted to say. I folded each one up and placed them in an envelope. I would lick the glue edge and place a stamp. They all ended the same way, not with a signature but a cadence. One simple line, five words. I would tear each letter up feeling as if I achieved some veiled victory.
9.
“She was my baby too.”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
chrstajoyce reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is a powerful piece of work and a sensitive handling of a delicate subject.
I like the practical details woven through with flashes of emotion. It roots the reader and is realistic without being overly sentimental.
You could be on to a winner with this. I wish you luck!
- add/view comments (0)
Doctor_Rat reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This has really moved me, painfully powerful and honest. It is not at all easy to write something like this, let alone do as unflinchingly as you have done. Perhaps it is harder still for us men? And doubly hard to write without carrying a lot of ideological baggage? Thank you. This is going onto my favourites.
Taoistpunk reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I am very sad now, and It’s all your fault. A very touching piece, well written and with an even, narrative style that lends to an easy, flowing read.
I only wish I had known that which now, can never be known. It sounds as if this has happened to you, and if not, you show extreme talent in portraying a most horrible feeling I wish on no man.
Sad how those without conscience sleep well.
Truth_Behind_Conspired_Words reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is absolutely striking. Most accomplished piece I have read on here yet. Though that may not be saying much since I am rather new. You took to experimentation and it succeeded flawlessly. I can honestly say I love this piece. It is unique, intellectual, and unchartered. Great job with this piece.
eremiphobia reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
this is too incredibly beautiful it’s going to hurt me to review. but i’m doing it anyhow. section by section:
1 – strong beginning. i like the use of “us”/”we” to make you a sufferer of the same collective hardship. there are a few things that i got stuck on, though. (i think this is the hardest stanza concept not to make trite. you did a good job.)
- first, “i desire to know” is awkward in place of “i want to know.”
- “clean. dismal. sterile. white.” – clunky/maybe overdone. these are associations that everyone makes with hospitals.
- “this is the nature of things” is it supposed to be irony? that this is not actually the nature of things? maybe it’s more apparent to other people than to me, but if this line isn’t intended ironically, it doesn’t seem to fit well.
2 – “you would have hated me.” perfect. i love the simplicity of this section. nothing’s hidden.
3 – reading this i started to feel that the structure was interrupted (mostly felt that i was missing something about the purpose of the structure. am i?) also wondering whether “string” should be singular where “reminders” is plural but this might be picky. the last line of this section is so incredibly beautiful.
4 – the juxtaposition of the short simplicity of “i feel you” with the metaphors of the following lines is perfect.
5 – picky grammar: mothers should be mother’s. i wouldn’t be pointing it out except that this section is too perfect! “think of what you would have done…” i love this, it helps to realize who you are addressing throughout the poem.
6 – “how we’d giggle as you begin” begin should be began for tense agreement. aside from this: gorgeous.
7 – i’m not sure about “it’s 11:11, make a wish.” maybe because it seems juvenile to me. i agree about “half-empty stomach,” i think it would seem more clear. anyhow, i love this section a lot.
8 – “good morning/it has been four years” makes me feel that you’ve been addressing this unborn child every day the same way for the last four years. i love it. i think maybe “in an envelope” should be “in envelopes” since you are talking about multiple letters. aside from this detail, this section is perfect, as is the connection between it and the following stanza.
9 – strong, pensive ending. it isn’t new or unique, but it ties in well with the rest of the poem and leaves the reader with a sense of the narrator’s constant experience. the simplicity and abruptness of this section heightens this sense.
thank you so much for posting this piece, i really appreciate being able to read such beautiful things. i love your writing, you’re amazing.
DragonTear reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I really admire this piece. It griping with it powerful verses and well place words. Even the countdown and the keeping of the dates and times, makes you feel the character’s lose like he is nothing put a timepiece ticking away the days not feeling his heartbeat within his body. You can feel his hollowness, his numbness and how all his grief echoes around that one fateful event of losing his daughter. For cutting and pasting some of my favorite lines, I think it would be easier to just cut and paste the whole poem. A few lines that were slightly more cherish then others are:
When you don’t know the names, the children are organic, an abstract idea, nothing more than information
I feel you.
You’re the brush of a stranger in a crowd. A tingling shoulder. Unwelcome breath, hot on the back of my neck. You are a Christmas present with no tag.
Maybe the whiskey mystics in her family find solace in the hands of bible stories and bottles,
“She was my baby too.”
Like I said probably better if I just cut and paste the whole poem. Thanks for posting!
TheStormofWar reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I really like this, but I do have some suggestions.
Let’s go.
You paint some really strong imagery in section 1. A little over descriptive for my taste, but I can’t fault that really. You talk about a group of four men in a hospital waiting room. Good stuff, but I wonder if you could expand a little about them? Sacrifice a line or two you spend developing the atmosphere and use that space to describe the men in a little more detail. Atmostphere and scenery are good (and you develope it well here), but I think it needs more a…human touch.
Section 2 is concise. Perhaps use $1.50 instead of “one dollar and fify cents.” I think it would add just a tad bit of eye candy. Just a suggestion though.
Section 3 deviates from the structures in 2, and pretty much the rest of the piece. You could easily shift it and make it flow a little easier.
Section 4 is awesome. No suggestions.
Section 5 is strong, as well as section 6. No real suggestions.
Section 7. I like the word stilleto, as in a reference to the dagger, and the word itself is sharp. Good choice. However, I think half-stomach could be made a little more poignant with half-empty stomach, which is more reflection on the narrator.
Section 8 is good. I have nothing for you here.
Section 9 ends well, I think. However, I wonder if more reflection could be added. Did the narrator get back with the wife, or is it a simple argument? I think you could one more line here and still be exceptionally sharp in the end.
Good stuff and it shows a lot of work. I don’t know if this is a personal reflection, made from observations of other people, or if your mind is just that sharp. The emotion is tangible and mental turmoil is wonderfully expressed. I think you are a little excessive where you need not be in part 1, and a few minor niggles. But this is outstanding and a pleasure to read, and reminds me why I love poetry and prose so much.
poeticg reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is one of the best pieces of work that I have ever read in my entire life. The brilliance comes from simplicity to say the least. I really enjoyed reading it through and through and wish that I could state such great emotion so nonchallantly. Please continue with the good work
neoprose reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Interesting structure… sort of a little offputting but I still read it. Odd.
I like the narrative progession but it doesn’t feel strong enough in either freeverse form and metaphor to hit it’s potential. Maybe it is just me though, I am a really picky person.
Lena17 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I felt tears welling in my eyes--this was so beautiful & so heartwrenching. I felt so deeply for the narrator in this, & I desperately wanted to hate the woman in question, but I suppose, that wouldn’t have been right. I did sympathize for the baby, however. What a cruel & unspeakable fate--but, what other choice do some women feel they have? I do happen to be for a woman’s right to choose, even tho I hate the idea of it.
But, forget about me. I loved this piece; it was beautiful, haunting, raw, REAL. You have something that many other writers lack, & I respect you & admire you.
I wish you all the best with this piece & with your future writing. I look very much forward to reading more. _
~JMB
Showing 1 - 10 of 31
Next →
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
31 Reviews 28 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 33 Times
Skipped: 1 Time
Ratings & Rankings
