Poetry / Luna's Night

One of my favorite subjects of poetry.  This is simply breathtaking, having reread it 6 times or more.  Your words drew me instantly inside your tale, so eloquent and mystical, it has the feel of a poem of long ago one might find in a dusty tome in an old bookstore.  It’s been a while since I’ve read a poem I’ve enjoyed as much as this.  I especially love the change of time with your use of colors – brilliant.

A few humble suggestions and praises:
1.   reaching past dawn pink – this would read smoother to me with pink in front of dawn.  

2.  fair thee well.. -- did you want a period here or … -- need to decide

3.  like a magic man’s muse. —beautiful – love the alliteration!

4.  She commands to her Knight—love the play on the word Knight and how you then incorporate it into the future lines of the poem with stars as an army, again, such uniqueness, I simply love it.

5.  “make your Goddess glow”—perhaps cap Make and end glow with a period.  It follows your format more and seems to be the end of the sentence.

5.  do not dally”—perhaps a period here?

6.  Belle Luna—I like Belle but have you considered Bella?

Once more, I must say this is beyond beautiful.  This belongs in a book of poetry.  It is also something I can easily envision in calligraphy, framed and hung on my wall.  I look forward to reading more of your beautiful work.

I think your introduction is beautiful, eloquent, captivating, and totally unnecessary.  I find it unfortunate that the episodes involving the sun were my favorite parts of this poem, which is clearly and unmistakably about the moon.  The use of the word “buttercup” to describe the sun’s color could not have been done better.  P-E-R-F-E-C-T.  In contrast, addressing the night sky as “knight” seems like a cheap ploy—a free pun requiring minimal wit.  That’s not to say it’s bad, or it doesn’t work, but I think that before this becomes a final draft, you will have either found a better pun to insert, or dropped that line altogether.  Inversely, your line about shaking like sirius is too distant.  I get it.  I mean, sirius = the dog star, dogs shake…  clever, but when you’re reading that in a poem “shakes like sirius”, you have to stop and think “oh, okay, there’s a dog reference there.” and it just ruins the flow of a poem whose main strengths are in having a pleasant, gentle flow and equally soft images.  I’m not entirely sure what the onyx was in reference to…  maybe the man on the moon, the dark side of the moon, the starless night sky, some planet or asteroid, etc.  No idea.  On the whole, your images are beautiful, just a few of them already mentioned harm your poetry more than they aid it.  You really should take that first part and make it a seperate poem, though.  It would be soooo much better alone and doesn’t make a fitting introduction to your moon piece here.  At most, you could join the two pieces, have like one reference to the sun at the start of the moon poem, and one reference to the moon at the start of the sun poem.  No more is necessary.  I’m truly interested to see the final version of this, though.  Thanks for sharing!  Great write!

Butterat Zool.

A most excellent poem.

I think this would make an excellent poem to write a childrens book by! Can you imagine the colorful illustrations? It could be truly remarkable.

Correct punctuation in “growing heavy,dipping down”

Perhaps add an additional spacer line to show sun retiring/moon taking over after “I bid you sweet adieu!”

Otherwise, a most excellent poem I say again. Good job!

• add/view comments (1)

July 01, 2007

by nouveau_gypsy

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
76	82.1% (28 votes)	22.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	F	College Station, TX	January 27

Thank You Onager for your great insight!
Will work on this and appreciate the comments.

Nouveau_Gypsy

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

“like a magic mans’ muse.” appostrophe placement is all.

In the beginning- cut out the word “up,” because it cuts another syllable while still maintaining a simlplistic and nice meaning. I really like “hoist”

When Luna’s kingdom comes alive, should it be to a phosphorescent bath or bathing? That’s for you to decide.

Also in the beginning- I think it’s important to make the distinction of the different suns. I think you should make it “Sleeping Sun” in the first line, so we really understand what “Buttercup Sun” is supposed to mean. Also, it will sound like useless word repitition until you get later on.

I really, really liked this poem and I liked the style you brought with it. I thought that this is a great debut for you for Urbis, and I’d be interested to read more as time goes on. I gave you a good spread for grading.

Also- don’t overgeneralize your goals. They are for the likelyhood of you acheiving your goals, right? So putting “to be read by Urbis members” is really redundant, I feel. Just a heads up!
Good work!

• add/view comments (1)

July 12, 2007

by nouveau_gypsy

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
76	82.1% (28 votes)	22.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	F	College Station, TX	January 27

thanks Demos,
I’m still working on this one and am considering
some of your points.
The sleeping sun is like talking about a
sleeping baby then later when the baby wakes
up we’ll address her by her real name (Betty baby)
and the up has to stay as which way the
hoist is occuring. Thanks for the goal
info too..i agree
thanks again for your time and review.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This was so beautiful. I enjoyed reading it very much. “Belle Luna luxuriously stretches then shakes like Sirius casting gold dust out to all in her domain.” Those lines were particularly vivid. I think you come alive in your poetry. That happens with shy people sometimes—it does for me. Keep on writing and keep on posting!!

• add/view comments (1)

July 01, 2007

by nouveau_gypsy

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
76	82.1% (28 votes)	22.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	F	College Station, TX	January 27

Thanks so much for your nice comments. Appreciate
that.I truly enjoy your poetry too.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.