Short Story / the innocent one
The Innocent One
He quietly entered the room. With her eyes, she followed him as he walked across the floor. She kept silent, while everyone else greeted him with there hello’s and how are you. Just then he looked her way, she coyly smiled. She was not ready to say hello to him yet.
.
As he talked with the guys, she watched him out of the corner of hers. He glanced her way, and she quickly diverted her eyes. She was having a hard time looking at him . She couldn’t understand it; why now was she having trouble looking at him. They we’re the same two people, but something had changed. It was how they viewed each other.
While a few were talking, someone started an argument. It seemed to always happen, someone didn’t like this or that; or was enraged that this person was in the room. It’s normally a nice peaceful gathering among friends. Except this other person was unhappy, so he had to make everyone else that way too.
Just then ‘he’ walked up to her, and said “just ignore him, he’s an idiot.”
Soon many began to ignore the one making trouble. They hoped it would give him the hint he wasn’t welcome anymore. Or change his ways and be nicer with everyone. But many knew he wouldn’t change. And when he irritates someone, it disrupts the whole room.
One day she went in, and quietly said hi to everyone. They asked her how she was doing, she replied, “ I’m sad.” Some said how sorry they were that she felt that way, and hoped she would get better. Then he asked if she would like a glass of tea? Thats when he said, “ If you could come over here, I would serve you some ice tea!”
That’s the moment- the single moment things changed between them. In his polite way, he was letting her know he had feelings for her. She was now seeing him in a different light. Before this, they had always joked around with each other. It was like a standing ritual to flirt with one another.
But when he said that to her, she got this tingly feeling inside. They began talking to each other more. Yet she still sensed a reluctance in him , like he was getting nervous being around her. Unsure of how to go about things with her. She tried drawing him out, yet he still held back. Having someone act this way was new to her.
Normally the guys she was with had been aggressive. So sure of themselves and what they wanted. Even openly expressing what they wanted, or expected from her. Sometimes she put up with them being vulgar and crude.
This was different, he always seemed a little shy when talking to her privately. Even though he was mature man, there was an innocence about him. She felt he was one of the innocent ones. If there was a way to describe his type, that would be it. Now she began to wonder how much he knew? Would he expect her to teach him things? Or would the just let nature take its course while they are together?
She seemed to be in a predicament. This hasn’t happened to her in a very long time, she was unsure as to how to proceed with him. But each time she thought about him she smiled. And when he didn’t come in for a visit, she wondered where he was at, and what he was doing?
Was it right for her to feel this way, or was she just looking for a replacement for the man she just lost. She was obviously still in love with the man she lost. And she did hope and wish he would change his mind and come back to her. She feels she is in a real predicament, because not long after her breakup- she swore to never fall in love again.
But if he asked her again to have tea, should she take the offer? Or maybe she should just stay friends, and not ruin a good thing. She will let him make the next step, and if he wants more out of this -he knows where to find her! For now she will let him keep his sweet, kind, innocence as her friend.
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-’with there hello’s…’ I’m sure it’s just an oversight, but there needs to be their.
-’They we’re the same..’ we’re = we are, so it should be were in this context.
-So you have me wondering where this is that these people seem to be meeting at frequently. At first I thought it was a party, or one time occasion, but in your fifth paragraph it became obvious that it was somewhere these people went often. I wonder where that is.
-At first I wasn’t sure I liked there being no names in the piece, but I think that it works better that way. It adds something. :)
-In the end, I was confused about this man that ‘she’ apparently lost. Maybe I missed it, but I had not seen any previous reference to her losing someone. So I was a bit confused about that.
-My only real complaint about the story is that it was a bit too simple. There was a whisper of a plot there – the feelings between the man and woman – but it doesn’t seem like enough.
- add/view comments (1)
In the first paragraph, “there” needs to be “their” and in the second paragraph “We’re” needs to be “were”
You also change tenses in the story. You go from past to present several times.
“While a few were talking, someone started an argument” That’s past.
“And when he irritates someone, it disrupts the whole room.” But then that’s present. And the paragraph right after this you go straight back to past. It throws people off and makes it harder to understand; doesn’t flow as well either.
Story wise I think you mentioned her last love a little too late. You put it at the very end of the story and it just kind of didn’t matter anymore at that point. You’d think the whole losing her love and vowing never to love again would be important and needed to be brought up in the very first place—but you didn’t. Bring that up way earlier so we can see why she is so reluctant, instead of just throwing it in at the very end.
I like this, it convey’s the appropriate feelings I believe and gives some background information on how it started. I think that perhaps though you could have given more detail into everything rather than stating it all, not that that’s a bad thing really, I just believe it would have made it more interesting and detailed. I have no problem with your grammar as much as your punctuation. Some of the commas aren’t necessary while in other areas it would have been appropriate. Really though, I hope what I said was helpful. You’re talented for sure and could make best short story.
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