Thanks Siren, Yeah it’s definitely got it’s weaknesses as well as strengths. I’m no song writer and it certainly shows here. I’m more into poetry and this piece just fell out of me one day. I was tired of people underestimating me by my horrid past. People would assume that since so much damage had been done to me, I must obviously be broken, unstable, etc. Any how, thanks for your words of wisdom. I’m not writing much anymore so I can concentrate more on my painting and such. This isn’t copy written and like I told Buttery Waffles you’re more than welcome borrowing the idea or words or certain lines for your own constructions.. although judging from your writing I’d say you need no other lines but your own. :) take care and thanks for your time. Have a grand life.
Lyrics / "No One Knows Her"
No one knows her pain & aching sorrow.
No one knows her laughing off tomorrow.
No one knows she moves among the dark.
No one knows she plays just a dolls part.
A light seizes her only to burn out.
A candle flickers knowin’ every voice she shouts.
A gale whispers past her insecurity.
A nail punctures her hope & her purity.
Chorus-
But it’s not too late, I know you’ve lost your faith,
If this is fate, I know you will think & debate.
It’s not too late I know you’ve lost your faith,
If you won’t debate I’ll prove to you it can be great.
A spark glistens in her cold wet ashes.
No one listens, still occupied with their own flashes.
They all know she’s nothing without someone.
they all think she’s someone that’s still undone.
No one knows why her head still spins around.
Not remembrin’ what her past has found.
No one knows the plate of cause-effect.
Never seizing time for us to sieze regret.
A shuttle born to launch man into space.
Upon my shuttle I wish to see your smilin’ face.
But I can sense what no one ever knows.
I’m like a tent camped out upon your rocky soul.
and end…
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I like how these lyrics start. Sort of ominous, an almost eerie feel, and I can definitely see that put to music of the same feel. I feel almost as if the chorus isn’t done it’s justice by only appearing once, at the same time however, I’m not entirely sure where it could placed a second time without screwing how I view the rest of the song.
On a personal note.. I really like the main idea of this song. If I’m accurately deciphering the meaning of the song, then I can definitely relate to it very easily.
On the plus side, if I didn’t accurately decipher it, that means that it is open enough to interpretation that tons of people could relate to it, and certainly it wouldn’t be too far off from the core concept of the song.
Look, regardless.. I really like it.
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This is a pretty good start, I absolutely love the last two lines. The rhyming does seem a little forced though, especially in the chorus. “If you won’t debate I’ll prove to you it can be great.” What is the “it”? I’m a fan of vagueness but it seems to me like some of the words that were chosen are just there for the sake of making the ryme scheme work. “A spark glistens in her cold wet ashes” is an amazing line, but I feel like the line after it just sucks the imagery and emotion right out of it because it is forced to rhyme. I’m a little confused by the first two lines in the last verse, they don’t really seem to fit with the rest of the song…maybe I’m missing something here? The whole song is reffering to “her” then all of a sudden the focus switches to you and your own success?
I don’t think this is a bad song at all, I think it is the start of something great.
hi there,
read your lyric and agree, it is a song, a very good one..the line where you use the word “debate”..i don’t think would fit in many songs, not just this one though it is a good ryhme with great..i’d chnage it..and though it’s not wrong..per-say that line you state, everyone knows she’s nothing without someone..again isn’t wrong per-say, but i don’t agree that’s the case with anyone. in general..a nice job
I think you did a good job setting the tone about how alone this girl feels. It’s a very dark song, and you achieve that through your word choice:
No one knows she moves among the dark
A light seizes her only to burn out.
A spark glistens in her cold wet ashes
My favorite line in the whole song is “I’m like a tent camped out upon your rocky soul.” That’s beautiful and personal, and I think this would be amazing if you personalized it a little more by being more specific, such as with “No one knows her pain & aching sorrow.” Follow it up with something that she is specifically sad about. AGain with her acting like a doll….just in front of certain people, in certain relationships, all the time, or is there someone she can be herself with? This song is just so engaging that i needs more details!
i love it enough said. i really love it seriously i cant wait to hear it someday if it happens and i hope it does. good luck.
I especially like the way this song begins with a repeat of the words No one knows…It drawers the listener into the girl you are singing about and makes them want to know more about her. Overall, I can appreciate a beautiful love song and you have written one.
Lines 5, 6, 7, 8, are so powerful; they touched me.
Chorus--He want’s her back; or she want’s him back-
3rd verse--“A spark…”--There is hope….so neglected
4th V--line 1--I let out a laugh with reading this line. Sad.
Last V—Might want to take another go with this verse.
I read your note that this isn’t a poem ,but a song. I can say that its like boarder line ,I’ve seen it more as song but spme elements lead to make it out as a poem. It’s hard to explain but I’ll try to elaborate as best as possible.
I see it as a Light rock song or as semi- alternative ,do you see what I’m getting at? The words are like soft yet the pain suggests a little fire inside that grows.
Like it starts the song as soft and low ,and gradually it increases in tone and tempo of beats. The words have good imagery involved like “candle flickers”, “Cold wet ashes” ,”Spark glistens”, and “tent camped out upon your rocky soul”. People love to hear words like these ,it envokes creation of imagionation. I hope that you continue to write songs that express this kind of images and put together good choruses like this one.
The title “no one knows her” is so suited to the song. Good job! -SMK
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