Thank you for taking the time to read this. I do have no intentions of making this piece any larger at this time. It was a demon. Thanks again.
Short Story / M
My anxiety grew as the wolf’s howl, that had once been inching closer, now stopped altogether. My gaze darted from the candle in front of me to the window, then back. An uneasiness settled over me as I realized that what I had attempted had, in fact, worked. I glanced down at the hastily drawn image on the table and wondered what would happen next.
I didn’t have to wait long as a wave of warm air blew by my ear and then extinguished the only light in the room. I would have tried to convince myself it was simply a draft allowed by a window not shut tightly, had it not been for one thing. I hadn’t only felt it. I had heard it. It wasn’t a draft. It was a breath.
I slowly reached for the Zippo I knew to be on the table, by my hand. Wrapping my fingers around it tightly, I flipped it open. Standing in front of me was the most frightening, most beautiful creature I had ever seen.
Having grown up in a christian home, my first thought was an angel. Her countenance was breathtaking. The black wings rising from behind her shoulders seemed to hold her face, as if saying “Look at perfection”. There was only one small problem with my first impression, however. It hadn’t been an angel I had summoned.
“You have nothing to fear.” she said, reaching for the lighter in my hand. I felt the fear subside, as she took the lighter and closed it. In the dark, with her, I was not afraid of anything, not even myself. What I am sure was merely minutes, if not seconds, seemed to last the span of my life. But it was not to last forever.
I again heard the wolf’s cry and instinctively turned toward the window. I saw nothing, but realized things had changed. I looked back and stared in disbelief at the candle, now lit in front of me. The lighter lay beside my hand as it had before and I was alone in the room.
I now know the definition of loneliness, like I have never known it.
End
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Underscore79 reviewed Version 1 -
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I didn’t feel the narrative or prose at all.
It seems as if you were trying to reach for a juxtaposition of emotions, most notably anxiety and peace within this bit of prose, but it never succeeded in the intention.
Perhaps you could describe the waiting more. Use it to show the narrator’s anxiety while building on tension in the reader. Also, if seeing the black-winged creature is supposed to be the crescendo in the piece, you need to write a lot more description there and with the subsequent after ripples.
As it is now, this piece is too sparse to really elicit anything from a reader. Technically, you do not have to make it longer, but you do have to choose your words carefully, and make each work double time much like the way poetry uses charged words to garner a big response from a smaller spread.
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awkwardvibes reviewed Version 1 -
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This is sparse—sparce to a fault. I’m guessing lonliness took the form of this beautiful winged deamon thing, but of couse I can’t be sure. I know not what the premise is or what the point of the story was as not enough was said. Things like “I saw nothing, but realized things had changed.” are meaningless. Changed how? Changed why? Perhaps this was the point, if so, it’s rather pointless.
lupi reviewed Version 1 -
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Re: Content—I was fascinated by the description that you started to give… and then terribly disappointed by the way I was left hanging. What, exactly, was summoned by your narrator? Any chance of reading more in the near future?
Re: Grammar Issues—Very well written, except for the dangling modifier in the first sentence. How, exactly, does a “howl” inch closer?
Orkneygirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I am not sure what to make of this story. It reads like a fantasy tale or something reaching for a metaphysical significance. At first I thought it was the start of a western because of the references to “the wolf’s howl” and “the candle,” yet as I continued reading, it took on a contemporary feeling, so I’m confused.
Maybe this reader needs more of a backstory. What was the “hastily drawn image?”
blossom_art reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved this, every little inch of it. Every written word of it. Please write more. I want to know what was happening before you summoned her. I want to know why you summoned her. Gripping… loved it, loved it.
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