Poetry / "Choice And Discipline"

Hmmm, this is interesting. I don’t review much rhymed verse cuz usually I can’t stomach it past the first verse but this held my attention. Your unique diction, and consistent tone reminds me of something much older from a few dear poets. It’s good though, for a rhyming poem, you got a couple good lines in there like “As Challenge embodies passage for me…”—can definitely relate to that, but it would be good even if I couldn’t. My main problem is the last two lines. I don’t know if “licensed consequence..” is really the words you want for that, but I leave that up to you. More importantly though, the last line, I keep going back and forth whether it is necessary or not. If it is absolutely necessary for you, then IIII would want you to make the pause much more dramatic, leave the ellipses in, but drop the “And forever, I am lost” down a line and maybe even drop “I am lost” down on it’s own line too. The problem is you build a great rhythm with the verses and the rhyme in that last line Does NOT fit it, it’s off and the ending is the last place you want that to happen. Don’t just read the last verse leading up to the last line, read the whole poem, and every time it doesn’t “add up.”  OTherwise, right on man, write on ;)

M.

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June 28, 2007

by donyavangogh

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45	F	United States	June 13

well tyvm M… I appreciate all of your comments and input. It’s quite flattering to read that you normally don’t like rhyming poems… I’ve tried poems that don’t rhyme also. Both are equally compelling for me. I will consider making some changes but I’ve always saw that last line as a good wrapping… I’ll think on’t. :)

Thanks for your valuable advice and time, and dear words of encouragement. :)

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Your style of writing is beautiful, breathtaking and very elegant.  It reminds me of a poem that was written long ago.  

This is probably the best interpretation of being caught in the endless cycle of pain that I have read.  Every night you are tormented and yet every night you are afforded the chance of salvation.  Except for some reason, of which I cannot grasp from your words, you defy it and choose the other path.  Wandering away from the light and forever lost and alone.

Very touching, heart wrenching and beautiful.  I cannot offer anything but praise.

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June 27, 2007

by donyavangogh

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How very kind of you to give such praise. I shall be tattoing this onto my forehead backwards so I can be reminded every morning when I at first wince at what I see in the mirror! hehe I am amazed you understood me so well.  I thank you & look forward to experiencing your work too. :)

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the meaning for me from from reading this poem was that no matter what dicisions we make or whether we choose right over wrong that our lives are what we make of them and we have to deal with the consequences of our actons. I loved it really made me think ”…Of right, not wrong, make the most.” best line !!!

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June 27, 2007

by donyavangogh

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wow KatieK, thanks so very much. Amazing what can come out of the soul when you’re faced with trials and confusion. This came out of me while trying to make sense of it all. Glad to hear it actually is understandable. :) Now if I could just pump out more like that one! lol I look forward to visiting your page to read your works very soon. :) thanks again!

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I don’t believe that you needed to extend your comments to us to explain what your poetry is about. I believe that i took it for what it is and understood it enough in itself without the explanation. But at least i knew that i was on the same page, when i did read your comments after the poem. Yes i believe that we need to listen more often to the inner voice, the one that we hear so often yet ignore, as it truly is the one that speaks the most truth. Keep writing i enjoyed your poem and would like to see more from you. I believe you have the quality of writing that will hopefully find yourself and agent and get your work published. Although finding that poetry seems to have such a small outlet for being published!

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July 01, 2007

by donyavangogh

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wow Blossom Art, thanks. I appreciate your input regarding my explaination. I’m used to writing in a more enigmatic way and being chastized for it, so it’s become almost second nature to explain my poems. lol I really appreciate your intellect and your words of encouragement. I’m finding that there are two types of people on here, those who want to tear you apart and those who want to build you up. I don’t mind a negative here or there, and I certainly don’t mind suggestions but some people have not mastered effective communication skills or don’t connect with a writings essence. So I’m grateful for your comments and would listen to your suggestions with a hearty smile. :) thanks once again.

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