tyvm Blossom Art, it does my heart good and inspires me to hear such encouraging words from my peers.
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Poetry / "Envy; A Game Of Chess?" (Analysis)
I am a Pawn on a chessboard.
I have acquired the appointment of moving a square at a time, and I am fresh meat for all.
I envy the Rook.
I want to be able to move upon four directions like the Rook…
Now I am the Rook and I’ve been appointed four directions to move upon. Right, Left, Back and Forth…
I move.
I capture!
I am quite happy until I see the Bishop.
I envy the Bishop.
I want to be able to move upon four directions diagonally, like the Bishop…
Now I am the Bishop, moving diagonally to and fro and loving the respect I get from my peers.
My life is a little too busy now, however, and I look at the Horse, and how the Horse can side-step the issues with a flick of a wrist.
I envy the Horse.
I want to be able to side-step the issues…
Now I am the Horse and I love running away!
Yet I’ve come to find that by side-stepping the issues at hand, I’m not learning anything worthwhile.
I KNOW deep down that I am capable of much more authority.
I see the Queen’s graceful way of moving and commanding fear over all who oppose her.
I envy the Queen.
I want to be able to command like the Queen, and with all the more moves…
Now I am the Queen!
I barrel over my enemies and clear my path wherever I go!
I believe I am limitless, that is, until I find the edge of the board.
Although I thought at one time that I ruled, in reality, I now realize that I am ruled.
It is this knowledge of forced restraint which makes me search for something else.
I see the King, standing noble and still, protected by all of his subjects, content within his limits.
I envy the King.
I want to be the King, without a care…
Hah Ha!
Now I am the King of the board!
I allow my subjects to battle on while I sit and watch.
Wait, what’s this?
Slowly, and one by one my subjects are being taken away.
I am alone now and it is only at this moment I realize the heavy weight of my existence.
I am the one who lost the game.
Oh how I wish to be a mere Pawn!
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jen52 reviewed Version 4 -
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Robin55 reviewed Version 4 -
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I like this poem very much. I think it shows great insight into human nature and how the grass is always greener on the other side but when we get to the other side it isn’t always as we thought it would be, either. I loved the use of the chess pieces to illustrate this point. Well done!
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blossom_art reviewed Version 2 -
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I really enjoy the way you connect things in our lives to a chess board, which in realism is not all that simple at all. Great piece of writing that without your introduction i would have understood to wanting to be something that you are not and envious of other things around you. I would not change a thing with this poem and also believe that it is not necessary for a poem to have rythmn or rhyme. Great.. keep it up. I like your writing style.
Bubblette reviewed Version 2 -
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Oh how true! Wanting to march on up the ladder of power, only to realise the price of power – responsibility – can make even the most ambitious individual want to go full circle back to the safety of the bottom rung again. I find that the association of this real-life cycle with chess pieces gives the poem structure and form – definite steps from one piece to the next that can do more and seem to have more freedom than the next, until the realisation that maybe being a mere pawn gives an easier, less complicated life and is the more attractive option! Well done to the author.
squarehopper reviewed Version 2 -
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I am glad to see someone else use chess as a subject as a poem besides myself. Now to correct your chess knowledge – it has to be accurate to those that know the game well enough to see your errors.
First the pawn only moves in a forward direction, choice of 2 squares only on its first move, one square otherwise. It can capture only on a diagonal square adjacent. It can never move backwards. The truth is that even though it is the weakest of all the chessmen, it is the most important next to the king. Every piece fears it because of its weakness and the potential for promotion to another piece. pawn value = 1
The rook is stronger than the bishop. Rook value = 5, bishop value = 3.27
The “horse” is called a knight and is weaker than the bishop by a touch. Knight’s value = 3.14
To an avid chessplayer, this piece would be considered cute but extremely flawed and annoying at the end.
Annoying because even though you are talking about human frailities, you do so by making up new rules in chess. Only the pawn can change into another piece and never into a king. None of the other pieces can be promoted, so how can a bishop become a knight? And a rook will never envy a bishop, bishop can only travel on one color a knight can travel on both. A bishop at best can only hit 13 squares sometimes, a rook at best will always hit 14 squares.
Now for the message of the piece. It is decent, but chess as an analogy does not work as you have it, not for someone familiar with the game, and this piece does assume some familiarity – how the pieces move and what their strengths are.
squarehopper reviewed Version 3 -
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verse 3 line 1. Needs a line break after the period.
I see you changed the pawn verse to the better.
You have already received my comments on the rest of the piece. I like this poem. Good luck!
nathall reviewed Version 1 -
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hi there,
interesting piece, though NOT in the cynical way!
have greatly enjoyed this piece – [prose poem?] it glides on the page, which is really cool ;-)
your opening line is great, although i’m tempted to priune it from “a” and “the”... think? it would make more impact, as if you were that pawn truly speaking. think? ...especially since you opted for none use of those word later on!
“DIAGONALLY”: why capital blocks? are they really needed? think?
“Right, Left, Back and Forth”, i like the way you personalise those four directions – you address them as huiman beings, very cool.
“I move and capture”, again, chisel it… “I move, capture” [reads equally well with stronger impact].
“Now I am the Bishop,” – again, see if you are equally happy without “a”.
” I get from the Pawns and Rooks” – “Now I am the Queen!” and “Now I am the King of the board!”: as above [without the definite article]... think?
“I envy the Horse…” love that line – great line!
“I am the one who lost the game… Oh how I wish to be a mere Pawn!”: have enjoyed its ending; that twist at the very end.
all in all, have really enjoyed your piece ;-)
best wishes with your writing,
nat
Bugsy reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed this poem that reflects human nature. I like the very end where the narrator wishes he were a pawn. It truly does show that humans are never satisfied.
infinitystorm reviewed Version 1 -
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I think this is a very clever piece using chess as a metaphor for people wanting more and wanting what everyone else has. Really I don’t have anything that I can critique except for the format. I dont like the extremely long lines and almost prose like format. Call me a traditionalist but I like my poetry to look like poetry. I think that at each like break you should enter it and create 4 line stanzas with end stopped lines. I think visually it would make the poem more appealing because the way it makes it seem a bit daunting to read for a poem. Once again though I am a bit more traditional with poetry. I think the extended metaphor is excellent though! Great Job
squarehopper reviewed Version 4 -
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Ok, Now that I haven’t read this for a few days, I may be able to approach with a fresh eye. As you know I am naturally biased towards this piece because of the chess analogies. But I have to get past that if I am to offer helpful comments.
This poem has a good purpose and it has a strong logical structure – except for the bishop/rook thing – but it is very much a telling and doesn’t invoke many images except that of chess pieces. This is ok, but I think that if you did this with more descriptive language and with metaphors/similes it may make your piece even stronger. Let me try to give an example.
I am a Pawn on a chessboard.
I have acquired the appointment of moving a square at a time, and I am fresh meat for all.
I envy the Rook.
I want to be able to move upon four directions like the Rook…
I am a Pawn on a chessboard.
I have acquired the appointment of moving a square at a time.
Fresh meat for all.
Cannot look back and learn from the past.
Others blocking my progress.
Only circumvent roadblocks by taking other’s homes.
I am a parasite.
I hate myself for being so small.
I envy the Rook.
He moves in the past and the future.
He moves from side to side – many choices.
Nothing really can stop him.
With his four directions – his life is adventureous.
I know this will make your piece much longer (very much longer) but it will also give more life to your message and flesh out more of the idea.
It is just a thought.
I hope you find it helpful.
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