Poetry / Car ride
We were headed south.
The gallant knight,
With only a black sword,
Left to escape the watchful eye of the evil hawk.
She’s curled up in red blanket,
In the seat next to me.
It was 11:00, the moon in her green hair,
They finally reached the end.
Stepping out into the chilly night air,
Surrounded by grey walls of stone.
Only to find them selves in the lions den,
Like scared rabbits they run.
Gnashing teeth and poisonous claws
Close behind.
She throws off her jingling bracelets
But in the end,
No breathing,
Only sleeping,
Forever.
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Eloquent, great images. “lions den,” should have apostrophe, but it may have been overlooked.
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I loved this piece. This was a great write by you.
Your poem read quite well and flowed smoothly. However, there were a few gliches for me. I thought there was going to be a metaphor somewhere in the piece when you mentioned what I read as an evil hawk with green hair curled-up in a red blanket. I guess I missed exactly who or what was in the red blanket next you. You also switch from first person to third person/narrator in the middle of the piece, adding more confusion. I was also confused as to the part of a gallant knight armed with a black sword, but yet he ran from the lions. Would a gallant knight not fight? Why was a knight driving a car instead of riding a horse?
As I said, it reads smoothly, but the visualization was all over the place and confusing for me. The last half of the poem read well with great visualization, it is too bad I started out confused by the first and third person changes and the knight driving a car or something I presumed a car with a seat.
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