Thanks for pointing this out. I need to go back and revisit my adjectives!
Romance / Run - Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Rachel called up the stairs, “Todd Hurry up! The van’s packed and ready to go! If you’re going to make the hotel before it’s too late to check in , you two need to get a move on.” Almost before she finished speaking, they came hurtling down the stairs.
“We’re ready…” Todd started.
“…to leave,” his twin finished breathlessly.
Rachel chuckled. “Will you ever let him finish a sentence, Taylor?”
“Why should I…” she began.
“…when I always finish hers,” he completed laughingly.
“If you two are going to make it, you need to get going. Are you sure you don’t want me to drive up with you and help you move in?”
“Ra-a-ch…”
“…we’ll be fine,” Taylor concluded firmly.
“All right. If you’re sure,” she hesitantly conceded.
“Yes, we are,” the twins chorused.
“Dad would have been so proud of you two, you know. Mom, too. I wish they could have lived to see you off to college.” A hint of sorrow appeared in her eyes. “They wanted you to have every opportunity.”
Taylor caught the unintentional wistfulness of the remark. “Rach, they would have wanted you to go, too. I know they would have.”
“I know. Dad tried to make me go – but I couldn’t leave. You know that. You two might have managed without me under normal circumstances, but not the way things were then.” The memory of their father’s losing battle with cancer briefly saddened them all. Rachel shook off the gloomy thoughts and pasted on a bright smile. “Besides, I’m content enough with the way my life turned out and it isn’t as though I didn’t get my degree. It just took a little longer living here at home. Anyway, now it’s your turn – both of you. And you need to get out of here or you’ll have to drive straight through.”
They allowed her to propel them out the door and towards the van with a hand at each of their elbows. Once there, a hug fest took place with Rachel as the instigator and the twins as her victims. Taylor didn’t seem to mind too much, but Todd’s male ego suffered a little, especially when a neighbor waved and called out his goodbyes to them. They piled into the van and just before Todd pulled away, Taylor shoved an envelope out the window to Rachel.
She stood, arms wrapped around her, watching as the van faded in the distance. Finally, she walked back into the empty house, absentmindedly laying the envelope on the entry hall table as she went by.
Three rooms and several hours later, Rachel decided that cleaning wasn’t keeping her mind busy enough. Her hands, yes, but not her mind. All she could think about was how empty the house seemed without the twins. It wasn’t like they’d never been away from home at the same time before, but there was a huge difference between gone for an evening or weekend and gone for months on end.
She laughed quietly at herself. Who knew that a 25-year-old woman would experience empty nest syndrome? Maybe she needed to get out more. After all, she had pretty much avoided the dating scene, focusing on career and family, once she realized that most men were not willing to take on a woman who had the responsibility for raising a younger brother and sister. Now that the twins were grown and away at school, maybe it was time to reconsider dating. The church did have a singles group and even if she didn’t find a “boyfriend,” perhaps she could find the companionship she had been missing for so long.
In fact, the more she thought about it, the better the idea sounded. She decided to call and find out when the group met and there was no time like the present. She went out to the entry hall table to get the phone book where she discovered the envelope the twins had given her earlier and she had promptly forgotten. Curious, she slid her finger under the flap and opened the envelope. She withdrew a folded sheet of paper and when she opened it, a ticket of some sort fluttered to the floor. “What on Earth…?” Maybe they wanted her to visit once they got settled. Absently, she reached down to pick up the ticket and laid it on the table without looking at it, while she read the note.
“Dear Rach,
Todd and I have discussed it and we think that you deserve a
chance to enjoy yourself. After all, you have always put us first, even
when we were small. Even though you are our sister, you have always
been more like a mother to us. Not that we wouldn’t have loved Mom
but we don’t really remember her, except for all the stories about her
you’ve always told us.
I guess what we’re trying to say to say is we’ve always felt Mom’s
love because of you and your stories, but to us you were our mom. And,
to be honest, you shouldn’t have been. You should have been able to be
just big sis, not mom too. We haven’t always told you but we appreciate
everything you have done for us. And we know that you have sacrificed
a lot for us. Not just time, and patience, but your chances for a normal
childhood, dating, traveling, college away from home, and everything else that someone your age should have experienced.
We decided that maybe now you would be able to do some of
those things. So we got you this as a starting point. We want you to
enjoy yourself! No excuses!
Taylor
P.S. And you can’t say no – it’s non-refundable and non-transferable!
Your boss already knows about it and has approved the time off. He said
you have almost three months of vacation time banked and it’s about time you took some time off! So now – you’re out of excuses! Have fun!
Todd
P.S.S. We love you, Rach. Don’t even think about not using this! We will be very hurt if you don’t!
Taylor and Todd”
“What did you two do?” Rachel mumbled to herself. She picked up the ticket from the table to look at it and gasped when she found herself holding a ticket for a Caribbean cruise. How did they know?! Rachel had always dreamed of visiting the Caribbean islands. And a cruise?! Just the way she had always imagined the trip! She even had a passport since her boss had insisted that she needed the extra identification. He must have been in on this from the beginning!
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AnnEnglish reviewed Version 1 -
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I didn’t read the prologue. There’s enough back-story here to establish Rachel, and more than enough to establish the twins.
It is a delight to see good English free of grammatical errors and spelling mistakes.
Some points that may be helpful:
It wasn’t clear to me at first reading why the twins were going to a hotel.
Avoid adverbs (breathlessly, firmly, laughingly, almost before, to herself). They do not add strength to weak verbs. They weaken strong verbs.
I cannot believe that Rachel did not open the envelope for “several hours”, or that cleaning three rooms took her that long.
Please do not be offended when I suggest that the whole scene could be condensed to a hundred words. It’s stuff-we-should-know-before-the-story-starts. The story starts when she opens the envelope. Now get on with it.
I hope you have written a synopsis, a story outline. It clarifies the mind wonderfully. Google for “synopsis” or for a technique called “snowflake.”
Kind regards
Ann
www.lulu.com/AnnEnglish
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wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this was excellent start. The dialogue between Rachel and her twin siblings, Todd and Taylor flows very naturally and conveys Rachels protectiveness towards her twins as well as the mother/child/sibling dynamic within their family. I thought the letter was very endearing and a great lead in to what is to come, which I hope will be finding great love in the Carribean. If there was only thing I could change, it would be the fact that you used quite a bit of ‘ly’ adjectives which can be distracting to the reader and mess up the flow of the dialogue. Other than that, I thought you did a great job with this opening chapter. I look forward to reading your next installment.
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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Didnt read the prologue, but love this story. It’s very similar to something I wanted to do and loved everything about it. You got me to actually care about these three characters in this very short chapter. I also thought they way you wrote the opening dialog was very creative. You also ended with a good cliff hanger..now I’m excited to know if she’s going to meet the man of her dreams on this cruise….will be reading part 2
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I can find nothing wrong with it so far. I bet you could really have something good, here. I have one question: How did the twins get enough money to send their sister to the caribian. This would be expensive and the twins are off to college. I would explain this to the reader. Sandi
Ladyauthor2b reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a fresh and very expressive story of unconditional love between siblings and just about keeping a family intact. It was smart, fresh, and I cried when she read the letter. OMG! I need tissues! I didn’t detect any spelling errors, but of all of the sentences, I think I would only change or redo one: “Taylor caught the unintentional wistfulness of the remark”. Either I would indicate facial expressions here or just put the next dialogue sentence to indicate it’s her speaking, as the dialogue flowed very well between them all. I laughed at the beginning how well the twins could finish each other’s sentences. It was so,so natural! Great job! I hope this gets published because it’ is such a beautiful little story…AND it would be nice to know what happens to her on that cruise.. maybe she could meet Mr. Right??? or almost right?? :)
aquaruischick reviewed Version 1 -
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A very touching story had me in tears. An attention grabber right from the get go. I like how you told the story of how these 3 siblings were parentless. You should definitely get this published and also continue the story. Tell how rachel went on that cruise and what she did. Tell how the twins did their first year at college.
Then bring them home and start on another year of school and maybe rachel meeting someone,.
you have endless possibilites on where this goes.
pianogirl6 reviewed Version 1 -
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Your story opening was well thought out and a delightful family scenaro. It was told with a nice flair, evoking sentimental feelings of good will. It is a heartwarming idea which I will look forward to reading more about. Keep up the good work. Best of luck with your venture.
Mews2furry reviewed Version 1 -
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Enjoyable reading. It seems to be well thought out and flows nicely. Please keep going. Rachel is a caring character and the idea of twins is also appealling. It makes me wonder what she shall find in the islands. Since it is under romance I look forward to what the romance will hold.
Pandorasboxx reviewed Version 1 -
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Being a new member and I I have to go back and read the begining. So far it was interesting enough to spike my attention and want to read more. I could relate because I will soon be experiencing the “empty nest”. I can’t wait to read the rest! Keep up the good work!
carolinahermit reviewed Version 1 -
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Finishing off each other’s sentences-cute
A singles’ group
I hope the cruise isn’t for three months-that would be too much for two kids facing college tuition-plus I don’t think they make tourist plans that long-otherwise nice story set-up-if the story’s exotic local needs to be that long-suggest open-ended tickets
Internet is a valuable tool for researching voyage options as well as details on Caribbean if you’ve never been-I sure haven’t
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