Good point! Guess I need to explain that one!
Romance / Run - Chapter 2
Chapter 2
When the alarm went off, Rachel was tempted to hit the snooze, possibly multiple times, and go back to sleep. Sleep had not come easy last night because she was missing the twins so much. She had run to the grocery store to pick up some milk after discovering that Todd had polished it off before he left, putting the empty jug back in the fridge, of course. When she returned, she saw the blinking light on the answering machine and listened to their cheerful voices letting her know that they had reached the hotel early and decided to explore the town a bit. Unfortunately, their cell phone battery had died, so she needed to call them through the hotel’s switchboard until it was charged. She’d tried to call them back several times but they weren’t back in their room yet; it finally grew so late that the switchboard closed down for the night. She hoped that they had gotten enough sleep before heading out today. She’d have to give them a quick call before leaving for work.
Rachel sighed as she gave in to the inevitable and rolled out of bed. After a quick shower, she headed for the kitchen where, thanks to the modern miracle of programmable coffeemakers, the wonderful aroma and rich flavor of the day’s first cup of coffee awaited. While the kettle on the stove heated water for her instant oatmeal, she took a glass from the cupboard and swallowed her daily vitamin with a few sips of water. She set the glass beside the sink and filled one side of it with hot soapy water in preparation for washing her breakfast dishes. Then she poured the much anticipated first cup of coffee.
Hands wrapped around the mug, she inhaled deeply, taking great pleasure in the heavenly fragrance of freshly brewed coffee, and took her first revitalizing sips of the day. As she did, the shrill tone of the phone startled her, causing her to spill hot coffee over her hand. As she placed her burned hand under cold running water on the other side of her double sink, she grabbed the kitchen handset with the other, hoping this wasn’t a sign of how the rest of her day was going to be. She pressed the talk button. “Hello?”
“Hi, Rach?”
“Oh hi, Lauren. What’s up?” Her hand feeling better, the phone tucked between her ear and shoulder, Rachel snatched a towel off the counter to dry her hands, sending the water glass spinning toward the edge of the counter. As she attempted to catch the wobbling glass, the sudden movement dislodged the phone on her shoulder which promptly fell into the sink, on the side she had just filled with hot soapy water. She failed to catch the glass either and it hit the floor where it shattered into about a million shining pieces. She briefly heard a burbling sound, followed by a snap, crackle, popping noise as the handset shorted then went silent – probably permanently. As the phone quit, the kettle began its high-pitched whistling. Her head dropped and she shook her head slowly. She knew she should have stayed in bed this morning.
An hour later, kitchen floor cleared of glass, sink emptied, and phone lying on a kitchen towel in what was probably a vain attempt to dry it out, Rachel went to grab her cell phone to call Lauren back. Thank you, God, for letting me forget to reset the alarm this morning. I really needed the extra time to clean up my messes today. Please help me to turn this day around. In Jesus’ name. Amen. Rachel sent a little prayer of thanks and supplication heavenwards. She disconnected the phone from the charger on her dresser and called both Todd’s and Taylor’s numbers. When she got no answer at either number, she ran down her contacts list to find Lauren, hitting send when she did.
“Hello!” an upbeat voice answered.
“Hi, Lauren,” Rachel responded sheepishly. “I’m back.”
“The prodigal hath returned!” Lauren snickered. “Where did you go?”
“Trust me, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”
“Try me,” her best friend responded.
Rachel launched into a humorous retelling of her morning’s events. By the time she finished her story, Lauren was laughing so hard she was in tears. “Anyway, I’m calling back to find out why you called me. So to pick up where we left off, what’s up?”
“A couple of things actually. The boss called and there was some sort of electrical problem in the building. It’s going to take about a week to fix, so I had everyone called and all the appointments rescheduled for the next week or so.” Lauren was the office manager at the clinic where Rachel worked. “Of course, I told the girls to prioritize their appointments according to their severity and I had them leave two open slots each day for emergencies. He also said we all get the time off with pay. Work for you?”
“Of course. To be honest, that’s perfect. So, you and I are both off, right?”
“Yeah.”
“SHOPPING!” Rachel was elated because she had wanted Lauren’s input and wasn’t sure how to make the time. “You up for it?”
“Of course! When have I ever passed up on a shopping trip?”
“Ne-e-VER!” they both exclaimed together.
“Oh, hey. You said a couple of things. What else is going on?” Rachel asked, deciding to keep her own exciting news until they saw each other.
“Just wait ‘til later. Since we’re going shopping, I’ll tell you then.” Lauren’s tone grew mysterious. “Where and when?”
“Half hour? At Heavenly Grinds, of course. When have I ever passed up on a chance at a terrific latte?”
“Ne-e-VER!” they both exclaimed together.
“No problem. I’ll see you there. Better wear your walking shoes.” Lauren commented before she hung up.
Rachel quickly gathered up her purse and keys, and headed for the door.
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wisedec4u reviewed Version 2 -
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I love the way you write. Your detail and knack for casual dialogue make the characters seem so authentic. I read your first chapter and enjoyed it just as much, of course I’m still waiting for this cruise to happen to we can get to the romance. Overall, there was nothing that stood out to me that needed any major changes. Rachel is a very likable character and you do great job of making her personality shine through. Post more! I’d love to read your next installment.
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HermiG reviewed Version 1 -
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Luckily, I haven’t had any of those days, even though I’m rediculously clumsy. Still, this seems fairly realistic! Especially in the morning, when you’re often half asleep.
While we usually are told to avoid those “get out of bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth”-stories, I think you did it quite well! I wasn’t bored, even though there wasn’t a lot happening.
The only thing that is bugging me is – is it usual to fill the sink with water before you eat? And since you haven’t mentioned any other dishes needing to be washed, wouldn’t she waited till after dinner?
alyon reviewed Version 2 -
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I like that Rachel finally had a silly moment. And a friend. You said in Ch. 1 that her father had cancer. Didn’t her mother have cancer? Unless it’s an important plot point, I’d change her father’s C.O.D. to something different. I like the idea of the cruise but I almost wish you’d gone directly from the end of Ch. 1 to the cruise, maybe introduce Lauren in the same chapter when the twins leave and then talk about the cruise after? It just seemed like that was a big part of Rachel’s character arc and I wanted the plot to keep building. Other than that, it was really enjoyable to read.
robinDEredwine reviewed Version 2 -
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When the alarm went off, Rachel was tempted to hit the snooze, possibly multiple times, and go back to sleep. Sleep had not come easy last night because she was missing the twins so much. She had run to the grocery store to pick up some milk after discovering that Todd had polished it off before he left, putting the empty jug back in the fridge, of course. When she returned, she saw the blinking light on the answering machine and listened to their cheerful voices letting her know that they had reached the hotel early and decided to explore the town a bit. Unfortunately, their cell phone battery had died, so she needed to call them through the hotel’s switchboard until it was charged. She’d tried to call them back several times but they weren’t back in their room yet; it finally grew so late that the switchboard closed down for the night. She hoped that they had gotten enough sleep before heading out today. She’d have to give them a quick call before leaving for work.
See if this helps a tad:
When the alarm sounded, Rachel was tempted to hit the snooze, maybe more than once, and go back to sleep. Sleep hadn’t come easy since she missed the twins. A quick trip to the grocery to replace the milk Todd polished off, helped keep her busy. Carrying the groceries through the front door, she saw the red glow on the answering machine. Her heart lept as she pushed the button, hearing their cheerful voices. The duo had reached the hotel earlier than anticipated and wanted to explore the town a bit. Unfortunately, their cell phone battery died, so all calls should be routed through the hotel’s switchboard until the cell was re-charged. She tried calling several times but they still hadn’t returned to the room; it finally grew so late the switchboard closed for the evening. She hoped they were well rested before heading out for the day and made a mental note to give them a quick call before leaving for work in the morning.
Your story is good. But it seems a tad wordy in areas. It’s easier to show you via edit than verbalize the minor problems. In all, I think you have a great idea, and a good story. I just personally believe you need to go back and edit, edit, edit, or have someone close to you do it for you.
Good luck, and happy writing :)
Robin
Trub reviewed Version 2 -
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what i really liked about this piece, was the part where the glass breaks and the phone goes into the water…i thought that was symbolic genius. The part I didn’t really like was the girly talk over the phone. if she’s raised her twin siblings to manage college on their own, she’s got more depth than talking about shopping like she’s a thirteen year old girl…also, I don’t know about you, but when I moved off to college, my parents/guardians come with me and I moved into my dorm…maybe you’re writing from more of a UK perspective? I dunno how europe does it….
pianogirl6 reviewed Version 2 -
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Chapter Two wa a little empty compared to your Chapter One. I could not feel the energy this time, almost as if the chapter’s purpose was not evident. I could feel the separation anxiety as the twins went off to school, and there, the action of the story seemed to stop. Maybe this chapter could be lengthened to pull the reader forward. I will keep reading, though. Best of luck.
bailey_jo2006 reviewed Version 2 -
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well im going to have to go read the firs chapter but i really ilke this story if it was in the store i know i would buy it so keep going with this i would i like to see where this story is going lol
JRChristopher reviewed Version 2 -
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Lauren was the office manager at the clinic where Rachel worked.
-This sentence just kinda pops in there, between two sentences of their conversation. It’s sudden and kinda disrupts the flow of the conversation.
It’s more of a small problem and the only one I found, so it’s up to you whether you do anything with it or not.
Great job, but try to descirbe some more things here.
Like:
How was the weather outside? What season? Outside where?
What does she look like?
Even if you’ve done this stuff in a previous chapter, it’s always helpful to remind us on some things. It’s easy! Just stay something like, she brushed away a strand of blonde/dark/brown/etc. hair.
:-)
Stay with it! Great job.
Miss_G reviewed Version 2 -
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I enjoyed reading this and I found it easy to warm to Rachel’s character. I like the style of your writing, it flows well and is easy to follow. The plot is also easy to relate to.
The domestic disasters made me chuckle as I am sure we all have days that start off that way sometimes.
I haven’t read the previous chapter but I would definately be interested to read more, so you must be doing something right!
I wish I could offer some criticism but I don’t have any.
Keep up the good work.
grandmai reviewed Version 2 -
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I am looking forward to reading more of this story. You write well and the descriptions were very good. I liked the interplay with the two friends. I only found one thing I would change…. “She failed to catch the glass either”... I would change “either” to also. There is nothing wrong with either, but I just felt a stop in the flow of the piece when I read the word. It seems a bit short for a chapter, also. Perhaps a little more on the day’s events after the phone call is returned. I will look for more chapters….I want to know what the exciting news is…..
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