Take some time off huh? I have been thinking about that too. I wish someone would just make the decision for me.
Journal, Diary, & Blogging / Choices
I love you, but I love him too, you know?
No, I don’t know. I can’t imagine. I love you, you’re the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You alone. No one else. No one else.
I love you and our life. Its safe. I am safe. She is safe. And I will always be. You will always keep me safe and sound and sheltered and protected and good and fine and that way. But he is new. Fresh and lovely and handsome and wonderful and strong and beautiful and artistic and happy and fun. He is not you. You are not him. I love him for reasons I love you, but for reasons that are new as well.
* * *
I am in pain. Can someone else make this decision for me? Can someone make it clear what I need to do with my life so that I don’t have to decide? So that I don’t have to be the bad girl. So that I don’t have to break a heart, fuck up a life, fuck up me.
My arms feel like they will fall off. My shoulders are holding a load that will not be removed until I am done, until I have decided. My neck is straight and strong. My back feels like it is made of jelly. My eyes are always holding back hot, salty water. If they let it go, you will know. And you can’t know. No one can. My throat swallows the hot, salty water down. I swallow hard.
I met him a few months ago. The first time he was with his girl and I didn’t really remember him. He seemed busy with other things and I was busy too. I didn’t know him yet. Then a while later I met him again. I don’t think he said anything to me and all I said was I wouldn’t get a ride with him because I didn’t know him. Yet. Then I saw him again that night and he ignored his and I ignored mine and I talked to him. And his eyes were beautiful and he was … him. And I was me and I didn’t want to leave, but I did.
Then he wasn’t with his girl anymore and I met him again. And we talked more and more and I schemed to see him as often as I could. And then nothing was certain anymore.
He is long and lean and his arms pop out of his skin when he moves them. He walks differently than you do. His hair is big and long and he pulls it behind his ears. His eyes are mysterious and his mouth is pouty. His body has ink on it, you don’t. You never will. And he can transform into something else when he wants. You are who you are.
“The sun don’t shine, even when its day. Drive all night just to feel like you’re okay.”
One lady said that every once in a while you will meet someone, and then you’ll have a choice to make. She said it in reference to meeting someone when you are already in a relationship. At the time I thought it sounded slutty but now I know better. I never knew how right right could be. I never knew that I would be that slut.
So what now? I love you I know, but I think I could love him. I pray to God that He will give me a sign. Another lady told me to put two feet in to our relationship, and that then I will KNOW. But I don’t know if I want to try that anymore. Can’t I just surrender now? But if I go, I lose you. You are gone forever. You are gone and the house and kids and wedding and cows and farm and suburbs and love and security.
What do I get if I leave? Nothing really I suppose. He might not love me back. I will be living alone, supporting myself and her alone. And there is no guarantee of anything.
Seems that my decision should be obvious. What would you do? Can you tell me what to do?
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RILEYMOON reviewed Version 1 -
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Giving up all that for a guy with some ink? I think you have your answer, youre just bored and want to shake up the monotony of your life. You should, however, keep on writing because your honesty with yourself and your audience is refreshing and relatable. Let your writing fill the void that you are so obviously experiencing. And my bet is…most bad boys are “in it to win it” if you know what I mean, once they have their “prize” they won’t settle in for the family life. He’ll be goe, and you would have given up too much.
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brookelynne reviewed Version 1 -
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WHO HASN’T BEEN THERE, YOU REALLY HAVE CAPTURED THE WAY WE SOMETIMES DON’T KNOW WHO TO TURN TO AND CAN’T EVEN TRUST OURSELVES TO MAKE DECISIONS ANYMORE. I HAVE BEEN IN THIS SITUATION, AND FROM EXPERIENCE I CAN TELL YOU MAYBE WHAT YOU NEED IS TO BE ALONE, I KNOW YOU HAVE A CHILD, I’VE BEEN THERE TOO WITH THIS EXACT SITUATION, BUT SOMEONE SOMEWHERE IS TELLING YOU, EVEN IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT WITH THE NEW GUY, THE MAN YOUR WITH RIGHT NOW MAY NOT BE RIGHT FOR YOU EITHER. MAYBE YOU ARE SUFFOCATING RIGHT NOW, AND BEING ON YOUR OWN, NO MATTER HOW SCARY IT IS, YOU CAN FINALLY BREATHE. THERE’S NO WAY OUT WITHOUT HURTING SOMEONE.
amato3 reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, sounds like the story of my life right now. I really enjoyed your writing style and how you were able to put emotions into words. I think the appeal for this piece would be to people , both male and female who find themselves in this situation and not knowing where to turn and no one to talk to. You brought your reality into your work and I also enjoy that. Very readable, enjoyable and seems to be from the heart.
dark_angel_826 reviewed Version 1 -
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Unfortunately no one can tell you what to do. That is the problem with love. No one can give advice about love. Love follows no rules, and no logic. The best advice I could try to give, is that you can fall in and out of love a million times. It seems like you have a family and as long as you love your spouse, you probably shouldn’t leave them. I think it is only justifiable to leave your family for another love, is if you no longer love your current spouse. That is just my opinion. I wish you luck on your decision.
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