Poetry / Prime Time

Its basically a good foundation to expand upon. And here’s why:
You start out really strong in the begining, with a great title.
The next lines are confusing and lack some clarity. For instance, what kind of show pops up in the rain? Are we supposed to see this as metaphorical or an actual occurance seen by the narrator? The rest kinda makes some sense, but the end is really confusing, and I think you realized that already.
How I would change it would be to rethink what I’m trying to say. Is there 1 feeling or emotion that characterizes how you felt when you wrote those lines? What do you want to convey? Can more sense be made just by adding some adjectives and pronouns? Maybe if you added some, it would be clearer what your reference is about. How can you demand more land from a couch? Are you going with a metaphor again? If so, you should make that clearer. Just adding onto it, and expanding it would make a big difference in the way the reader views it, and may help you clarify your vision. It seems that here the muses still want to speak, but you’ve cut them off prematurely. Keep working at it though, we all have pieces that are difficult in our portfolios.

The only thing that sounds out of place in the last stanza is the line ‘stop jumping on the couch’. The repetition of ‘this’ is very good and should definitely be kept.
Nothing else seemed to really be out of place in the final stanza. Once that line is sorted out it should work well.
Perhaps put something in about an applause in place of that line. Maybe: ‘no applause from the couch’. I’m not sure, you’re the poet, i’m just the critic.
Hope that was constructive.

It’s clear you’ve put a lot of thought in this. I was off in the wind with the first two stanzas, but came back to earth on the third. I think it starts of great with “the show stops right here, but landed with a bump on the couch in the living room. Maybe better word usage—keeping with the same feeling, but different descriptions??

In this last stanza, you don’t have any of the internal rhyming and assonance that you have in the first two stanzas. That’s what kind of stands out to me.

it’s interesting, I’m not really sure what you’re writing about, especially the first few lines or so, but as far as the last stanza, I would suggest the word “cease” in the third line so you’re not repeating stop.  but yeah, thought provoking, it flows pretty well

What is the ‘it’ you are referring to?  I have read and re-read the poem and still can’t grasp what the ‘it’ fearing refers to.  Is this a riddle? Let me think for a minute: you can make it fear and pop up (like a show in the rain?)and some how straw plucks ‘it’ and  now the ‘it’ is ‘they’ ... and they ride?  Ride what?  Like a rainbow clears the clouds?  Again we are in the a burst of rain but we are sitting in the shade? And someone is showing us something?  And whoever it is that shows us, prances past us?  Steals the spotlight?  I am thinking is this referring to dogs? or cats?  or some other pet like creature?  or perhaps children?  I am really stretching here to figure out this riddle.  But alas, either I am missing the point entirely or it is not really defined?

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July 17, 2007

by pixistardust

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21	F	KC, MO	September 29

The “it” and “they” refer to certain people who are harmful to you in life. Thank you for the review, I will try and work on this to make that more clear

July 17, 2007

by RoadHousePress

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60		Rockport, MA	July 30

Ah.. so this is about people who are harmful. Okay, now I will read it again and give it some thought.  

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