Poetry / Spoon

Sad but beautiful. I really like it. The line “to work with” sounds a little harsh and awkward with the rest of the piece. “Haunting her dreams” is a bit cliche, but in this case i think it works with the piece. Really cool. :)

• add/view comments (1)

July 26, 2007

by horse

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
272	95.2% (146 votes)	48.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	M	Plano, TX	November 03

I’m with you on the the two last lines of the third stanza…I like thenm, and I don’t. I keep changing it to

until there was
nothing left
to work with

though some have suggested dropping the last line completely.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

WOW! This is truly a GREAT piece.
I totally love ALL that you said with such few words.
She looks so frail and damaged eager for your
love and protection and yet at the same time
fighting to keep you away.
GREAT! WORK!

One thing, and I preach this, punctuation! So many absolutely brilliant poems are brought down by lack of punctuation. All poems need punctuation.

Haunting sems fine, but if you’re looking for an alternative, I would try stalking or assailing. Either would work with the alliteration caused by spooning and soul…

I do adore this… I would fav. it but I can’t find the button. Heh.

• add/view comments (1)

July 26, 2007

by horse

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
272	95.2% (146 votes)	48.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	M	Plano, TX	November 03

This may see some additional punctuation in an upcoming  edit. I don’t agree with the “all” statement though—that’s far too absolute! Thanks for the review.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

This is a very good peice.. it is a bit short but it is still very good.. You could put the sentance together and continue it instead of making new lines 4 the same sentance, u kno wut im saying? but other than that.. i really like this.. good luck =)

i really liked were this was going i wish it were longer i understand the feelings that were stated even in such a short poem i could understand how the man felt for the woman who was just gently fadeing away i really liked it and hope to one day see it published!

This writing moved me.  I wish there was more.  

I like the poem.  I didn’t like the last line.  It was too anticlimatic.  Too twisted.  You are so into your subject that it shows a very deep caring.  Why go through all that effort and pain just to create more pain for her?  I just don’t agree with it.  Although others might.  It just did not feel right for me.

Good luck

• add/view comments (6)

July 25, 2007

by Arkaidy

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
120	82.7% (52 votes)	23.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	Wilmington, NC	September 23

I think that’s the whole point. I think it makes a conrete and unexpected ending.

July 25, 2007

by Arkaidy

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
120	82.7% (52 votes)	23.8%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	Wilmington, NC	September 23

I think that’s the whole point. I think it makes a concrete and unexpected ending.

July 26, 2007

by squarehopper

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1541	79.4% (569 votes)	35.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	M	United States	December 03

like I said.. it wasn’t for me.  I felt that it was cruel and really not even possible for someone with such feelings for an abused person to completely walk away.  If it worked for you – good.

July 26, 2007

by horse

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
272	95.2% (146 votes)	48.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
40	M	Plano, TX	November 03

I get your point, Sqaure. You’re seeing the last bit as a callous statement due to your experiences and place in life. There’s an additional, underlying meaning that a lot of people seem to get from the piece. I’m fine with either reaction. I’m more about reality than hope in my works.

July 26, 2007

by squarehopper

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1541	79.4% (569 votes)	35.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	M	United States	December 03

It is a good poem.  Thanks for your understanding.  It just didn’t do it for me.

But it is well done nevertheless.

July 26, 2007

by squarehopper

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1541	79.4% (569 votes)	35.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	M	United States	December 03

It is a good poem.  Thanks for your understanding.  It just didn’t do it for me.

But it is well done nevertheless.

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

Greetings

Do not change a word. Any man who has dealt with a severely abused woman has lived your poem. It needs absolutly nothing. What more is there to say in this circumstance. If you find a way to improve this let me know? My e-mail is robertsebacher@yahoo.com

I like you you titled the poem spoon as that’s what you describe as being the problem. You painted a clear picture in my mind and the involvent of the spoon is just so abstract and so unique. I like it.

oh, wow. this is really grotesque. but beautifully written. it conveys alot of emotion. and it really pulls me through. i thought i had it figued out until you threw that last line in there. and now i am puzzled by what is really happening, but i can jsut say that even without knowing the meaning completely i can still tell that it is a wonderful piece. i deffienty don’t think that you need something between stanza 2 and 3. it flows well through there. and i like the word haunting. for isn’t that what our past does to us? haunt our dreams? don’t try to over-work it. awesome job though.